Unconditional Love

Yesterday morning, during my time with God, I accessed/allowed/received a strong feeling of pure unconditional love, a feeling that I have come to know as God, a feeling that words can only point toward.  It is a feeling similar to human love and the originator of that, but much stronger.  I have accessed that feeling before a few times and transmitted it to others, during healings for them.  I have known for a while that I contain a “seed” that is connected with God.  However, this is the first time that I have accessed that feeling, and been with it for myself, a game changer.  It seems a bit silly to say it this way, since I can only allow it and be with it, but it gives me something to shoot for.

Asking For Guidance

It’s a bit hard to describe, but I realized today that I don’t even get to the point of feeling “doubtful or agitated” before asking for help and guidance, I simply ask for guidance all day, especially in potentially difficult situations rather than encountering difficult situations, emotionally reacting to them and then asking for guidance.  As I have said before, I sometimes have no idea why I do what I do, but I have trust and faith that if I listen and act accordingly, that everything will work out well and it always does.  I am very clear that I am merely an actor for everyone’s benefit and that I am not in charge.  I just act “spontaneously” as Nisargadata Maharaj would say.  I think that starting out each day with a period of prayer and meditation, the way I do, is critical to this approach.

The Value of Conflicts & Fears

I was reminded today that my constant striving for additional growth, without any sort of “self-flagellation” or even moderate self-criticism, is a balance that I have only recently achieved.  The fact is that my humanness results in conflicts and doubts that make growth difficult.  I also find it best to embrace those conflicts and doubts as part of being human, a beautiful and rich experience (also transient and illusory!).  For example, I have made tremendous strides in overcoming parts of my disability, physically and emotionally.  I also know that the process is not done yet and that my blocks, in part, come from my own doubts and fears.

Being Open

It is just good to be alive and experience the love and connection that I am now open to.  The importance of love and connection has been talked about in several of my recovery meetings, recently, including the fact that forming a loving connection also means that it hurts when that connection is disrupted by death or simply moving on.  Personally, I even feel some sadness each time a meeting ends and the connection stops for a time.  I find joy and fulfillment in all of the various feelings involved, they are all aspects of love, different sides of the same coin.  I used to be like a human computer, closed off to the process.

Some Thoughts

I went to the movie “R.I.P.D.” today, pretty silly.  The central story revolved around life or consciousness after death, which is a welcome expansion of the normal story line for most movies.  The movie also contained a lot of action and drama, which was/is not realistic at all, for life in general or especially life after physical death.  There were a few scenes in the movie that dealt with internal conflicts or the importance of love and connection, within this physical existence and after, topics that were nice to see.  I think, it would be nice to see less reliance on action and drama and more emphasis on the parts of life that have some meaning like internal conflicts, love and connection, quiet topics that would not sell tickets.

Healing

The main message from the “signs” I spoke of yesterday is that I need to increase my diligence as far as the healing meditation I do and continue striving to remove/unlearn my internal, emotional blocks to my own physical healing.  Several times each day, I perform a healing meditation or visualization that is based on the transcendental feeling of the eternal “I am”, love and wellness.  I focus on filling my body/being with that feeling and, simultaneously, visualize physical wellness.
The blocks I mention are the doubts and fears that I have picked up in the process of growing up in this culture.  Like Marianne Williamson says “We were taught to think thoughts like competition, struggle, sickness, finite resources, limitation, guilt, bad, death, scarcity, and loss.”  These blocks were nicely symbolized by the second coyote, which was young, quiet and relatively innocent, the way I was as a small child, when love, wellness and connectedness were all I knew.  I aspire to get back to that state.

Signs

Yesterday morning at about 1:00, there were two coyotes calling right outside my window, in my yard.  One was quite loud and strident, the other quieter.  It was quite startling and gave me a strong feeling of foreboding, a form of warning of events to come, a feeling that I needed to get ready for something.  The morning before that, this time at 4:00, while I was meditating, I heard something large and lumbering, like a bear, outside, on the deck around the kitchen area of our house.  That event carried with it the need for courage and strength.  Putting the two together, I think it a good idea to do everything I can to ready myself.
Knowing that everything in the universe is connected means to me that it is a good idea to pay attention to clues like those I describe above.  As my wife pointed out, historically, I have not been good about paying attention, often with disastrous results. I would like to change that.  Understanding is not required, but a good idea in some cases.

The Need For a Teacher

The importance of having a very close relationship with a trusted, loving and selfless teacher/mentor, has been on my mind of late.  I have had several along my path and I doubt I would be where I am without them.  At this point, it is challenging for me since I have a variety of earth-bound people who provide me with some guidance, while my main source of support and guidance is non-physical.  I have to be careful that my method of getting and following guidance is not driven by ego, which I have only been able to discern recently
The reason that it is important to have a teacher that we trust completely, is that there are many potential “traps” along the path to further spiritual development, many distractions or beliefs that can lead us astray.  I provide that sort of guidance to several people right now and have at least one person who thinks he knows better what he needs and is pursuing a path that will result in problems for him.  The different choices we can make are all part of the beauty of being human and part of our growth.

More Letting Go

Recently, I have been aware of a few people who do not like me, make up stories about me and indicate that I have been unfair with them.  Their response to me is a bit strange since, as far as I can tell, I have done nothing and have very little to do with their perception of me.  It still nags at me, as if I can/should do something about it, and I consider that option carefully.  What seems to be true, is that this sort of thing will go on in spite of any efforts to put an end to it.  As with many things, my best approach is to take action, when the opportunity presents itself and continue to conduct my life with love and integrity.  The outcome is not my responsibility.
I first became aware of the sort of thing I describe in the previous paragraph about twenty-six years ago, when working within the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene of the state of Maryland.  A colleague came into my cubicle to talk about personal matters and ended by saying “you're not so bad!”, and then realizing they should not have said that.  Another colleague came into my cubicle and asked “Do you have any idea what they are saying about you!?”  In each case, the talk around the office was, largely, independent of me and a good example of humanity.

A Different View

Through my meditation and connection with the absolute, a place of love or God, it has become quite clear to me that it is not possible to fail at this thing we call life.  As many others have realized while on a path similar to mine, the eternal purpose of life is living/dying and growing in love during the process.  Within love, it is not possible to avoid accomplishing that, a realization that I find comforting.  It is certainly possible to fail to achieve certain goals during the life process, but that failure has little or no eternal significance.
Personally, I have been taught to always strive to achieve things and that the possibility of failure was always there.  The feeling was that failure was to be avoided, if possible.  I now realize that this attitude is fear based and illusory.  I feel a strong sense of freedom in that realization.  The lack of guilt, shame, worthiness or duty, results in the freedom to accomplish things from a feeling of love.