Friday, December 13, 2019
I enjoy silence in the world around me. External silence makes it easier to look inside to find out what I am thinking and/or feeling and it allows me to hear what God has to tell me. Maria and I spend Thursday night at her mother’s and the people in that home enjoy constant technological noise from computers, TV and I-phones. Last night I actually got to the point of craving silence so I went into a secluded room, turned out the light, closed the door and meditated while sitting on the floor, it was wonderful. “When a peaceful silence lay over all, and the night had run half of her swift course, down from the heavens, from the royal throne, leapt your all powerful word.” (the book of Wisdom 18:14, 15)
Thursday, December 12, 2019
Yesterday and the day before I was struggling with the fear of returning to my destructive, ego driven behavior of the past. The fear has no basis in my current life but then it’s useful for me to recall that feelings are not rational and frequently have no validity. It was useful for me to recall that I used to call it “galloping fear” since it switches quickly from one thing to another. As I often advise others, I felt the fear as strongly as I could, gave it no validity and let it pass (like a fart). I feel much better today and am able to deal with more computer problems.
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
I am accustomed to and prefer to have a feeling of sameness and predictability for most of my life, which then allows me to deal with the parts of life that shift and change. Right now I keep working on the self-healing I mentioned last month which involves working with karma, layers of self and God’s will for me. As I work on them, through meditation, everything keeps shifting and that makes me uncomfortable and also increases my need for slowing down and self-care. The day begins!
Saturday, December 7, 2019
I am approaching the anniversary of my becoming illegal drug and alcohol free and, as I always do this time of year, I am reflecting on my journey these past thirty-five years. On one hand I have a wonderful life with a very strong connection to the force I call God. I readily acknowledge that I have gotten many gifts and I am extremely grateful for the person I am today. I know that I needed to go through all of the challenges I have had to face in order to become me. On the other han I would not wish that history on anyone. I had better stick with the gratitude!
Thursday, December 5, 2019
I noticed the last few days that I was getting angry at little, silly things like when I splattered very sticky cranberry sauce over a large area on the kitchen floor — twice, so I knew I needed more self-care and rest. Today I did exercise and I went to a recovery meeting but I took the rest of the day off. I rested, meditated and watched two silly but entertaining movies. It surprises me how easy I find it to ignore or override my own needs. I really need to pay attention and take the time needed if I am to be at my best,.
Sunday, December 1, 2019
I have been keeping a journal for many years because of my realizing how much it helped me stay on track as the person I wanted to be. In recent years I have put it on line and realized that others might benefit as well. My procedure was that when I got up to pray and meditate in the middle of the night I would sort back through my day and sometimes one of my files of quotes until something stood out to write about. The article would then write itself and I would not know for a few days if the main recipient was myself or someone else. Then one night I got no inspiration — so I wrote nothing. It then became frequent that I got no inspiration so I would skip a day or so. More recently my computer crashed causing an extended hiatus and the need for a new computer. The most recent development is that I have been told to stay off the computer at night and simply pray and meditate. I now write these entries in the afternoon when a topic presents itself. I realize now that this has been an exercise in listening and acting accordingly.
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Today my recovery meeting was about being grateful, not surprising since it is the day before Thanksgiving. I was reminded of the many gifts in my life and I am extremely grateful. Many of the gifts in my life came in the form of challenges or difficulties and their resolution led to the gifts. My disability is a good example since it has taught me many things, like patience, tolerance and the need for self-care. I deal with my disability with love and my connection to God. Using love, visualization and healing prayer has yielded results that doctors say are impossible.
Monday, November 25, 2019
Today I am struggling with an internal conflict because part of me wants to change and the other part considers any change to be difficult and potentially hazardous — a crossroad that I am quite familiar with. I have been working on self-healing around my disability, which I have found to be a complex issue. As I write about in my website and earlier in this blog, I have had good success with self-healing with several problems in the past. The situation with my disability is more complex. I have encountered karma, God’s will, and multiple layers of self, all of which must be dealt with prior to any degree of healing. Right now it is self!
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
The other night I had a dream which made it clear that if I wanted to move forward and develop more spiritual muscle I needed to give up more of my earthly (and enjoyable!!) distractions and attachments. I have already surrendered quite a bit with good results. The main distraction in this case is that I spend much of each Wednesday watching movies that I take out of the library. I enjoy them and found myself making up all sorts of excuses and reasons to continue! I think I will spend tomorrow (Wednesday) doing some quiet meditative activity. "Great deeds can only be achieved when we are more than our little selves. When we are lent wings we should not reject them." (deCastillejo)
Saturday, November 16, 2019
The other day right after one of my meetings the person I was talking to commented that it was discouraging to realize that humans are basically aggressive to which I responded “they’re not!!”. As I explained to him, I have observed many times that the thoughts and actions of a person depend on which “seed” or tendency you feed or encourage. If I am helping someone and I support what I call the “love seed” their behavior can switch from aggressive to loving. “From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Daniel A. Seeger)