Friday, January 24, 2020
Life presents us with opportunities for growth and what I look for in myself and those I talk to is being aware of the challenges and having the courage to say yes, continuing to move forward. A good example of that for me was when I was diagnosed with my disability. It was supposed to be a progressive, degenerative neurological disorder which would never improve and probably continue to worsen. Medically they could not help me and I, of course, had the option of just staying with that prognosis but I had also been introduced to taking a spiritual approach to my problems so I decided to try that — with trials and tribulations and spectacular results.
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Two days ago, on the night of my last entry, I began having muscle spasms in my back which have continued till this afternoon. Normally I would get a spasm or two and be fine the next day — when the spasm is purely physical and there is no emotional component. In this case the spasms went on for two days, a sure sign that something beyond the physical was going on so I meditated about it by feeling the pain and whether the pain felt like fear, anxiety or anger (three common problems for me). It turns out that the changes I wrote about two days ago are also causing a lot of anxiety which added to the spasms. I know that was the problem since identifying it and feeling it reduced the spasms.
Monday, January 20, 2020
The self-healing I am doing is complex but I am persisting and it is going well — not smoothly or gracefully, but well. In terms of complexity I continue to run into issues of self, karma and God’s will. Right now I am working on the karma part. My balance and the cooperation (smooth & more coordinated) of my muscles is improving. With my improved balance my wife has notice that I am moving faster. I notice the change in speed and also I am beginning to make movements I couldn’t before. The fact that my activity and balance are changing means that I am taking risks and doing things differently and the change (like any change) is a challenge for me and I lose patience.
Saturday, January 18, 2020
I notice some time ago that when I thought about someone I would be acutely aware of the things they were not doing for their own lives or recovery, then when I was with the same person I felt only love for them and had only constructive thoughts which depended on their interests, not mine. I would let them know if I saw a problem only if they asked. In other words, I “set the bar” according to them. Today I realized that my thoughts of them were purely a projection of thoughts of myself, that I set that bar high for me — not them.
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
Last night I had several dreams in which I was faced with situations which I needed to accept and I found unacceptable. They were situations I could not change so for my own peace of mind I needed to accept and live with them even if I did not like it. This morning I meditated about what in my life was hard for me to accept and, as usually happens, the answer came quickly. I need to accept that many people are not interested or willing to do the work I have done and continue to do in order to change their live’s. Their live’s are not that unpleasant. Mine was, and that is the only reason I am willing.
Monday, January 13, 2020
I have been reflecting on the fact that I am very exhaustive and thorough in my approach to recovery and have reaped many benefits as a result. I attend some sort of recovery meeting four days a week and meetings for worship on two days, leaving only one day without a meeting of some sort. I am also of service to several people and I get up every night to pray and meditate for one to three hours. I keep this journal and read spiritual literature every day. I would not expect others to do the same as me but I do make recommendations. I now have a wonderful life which I would like to share.
Saturday, January 11, 2020
Today I celebrated the anniversary of my recovery or abstinence from alcohol and illegal drugs. I have been clean and sober for 35 years — incredible!, especially since I had no intention of staying sober for the rest of my life. My main emphasis has always been maximizing my connection with the God of my understanding. I have practiced prayer and meditation within Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Navajo, Christianity and New Age and I keep encountering the same God using different language. There seems to be no reason to fight or quarrel, sigh.
Thursday, January 9, 2020
Many years ago, I was discussing some aspect of my disability with my current PCP and she said “most people cannot do that!’ and my response was “well I can and will”. We were talking about some aspect of my meditative and healing ability and I was stating clearly that I had both the ability and courage to change. Today I feel the urge to say, once again, “I can and I will” regarding my current healing. I am finding that the process does require a lot of courage since I keep encountering fear. I have gotten comfortable with the way things are and now I am stirring them up.
Wednesday, January 8, 2020
I am working on self-healing of my disability and it is a complex issue with a mixture of layers of self-interest, karma and God’s will (some sort of universal plan or effects). I have been dealing with each of them every night when I get up in the middle of the night. I want to point out that I have healed many things in the past and found them to be relatively simple and straightforward but not this time. For the last several nights I have been negotiating about God’s will and my impact on other people and spirits. It is apparent that my physical condition or healing has an impact on others (and myself!) that will change with healing and I need to consider that. Of course, I could also be imagining this whole thing — but I think not.
Monday, December 30, 2019
Today, right now, I am experiencing lower back and hip muscle spasms which seem to be part of my disability but like any other physical problem the spasms are also impacted by my physical and emotional condition. In this case I am going through a period of high anxiety because of change in my life so prayer, meditation and simply being kind to myself can help, so things like affirmations and relaxation. I also need to keep in touch with my body, meaning sleep, eating carefully and, in this case, enough salt. I am better at taking care of my internal spiritual matters but this is a good reminder that I need to stay in touch with the whole picture.