Tuesday, June 25, 2019
The topic for today’s recovery meeting was "forgiving" and during the meeting, in the process of listening I reflected on the changes I had gone through in forgiving my father for the way he treated me as a child. My father carried a lot of anger which he expressed toward me in attitude and some physical abuse. I have come to realize that he was doing the best he could and that given similar circumstances I would have probably done the same. I realize that people who hurt others have been hurt themselves. I understand that I was a difficult child and that I provoked him, but also that there is no reason for an adult to hit a child. I finally got to the point that I simply loved and cherished him. The abuse became an unimportant memory. At that point forgiveness was not needed, just love and understanding.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Typically I have considered my reality to consist of two levels; the divine, loving, eternal level and the secular, mundane, temporal. Then today, in our book study group, I found myself saying that for me there was no longer the secular level and that it was all divine, loving and eternal, though sometimes very short-lived. Over the last few years I have put a lot of effort into perceiving the divine and eternal in things and that effort has evidently changed my view. An example from today was that while weeding the plantain out of my yard I was also feeling respect, admiration and honor for its survival capability. That plant is a remarkable and valuable part of the reality of that ecosystem. "When the will, in becoming aware of the satisfaction afforded by the object of sight, hearing or touch does not stop with this joy but immediately elevates itself to God, rejoicing in Him who motivates and gives strength to its joy, it is doing something very good. (St. John)
Friday, June 21, 2019
I just re-read my post of two days ago and realize that I have been focused for two days on finding that honest and humble balance between self-deprecation and believing in myself which I wrote about. I now feel balanced and have re-committed, confidently to my spiritual path. It took talking openly about that conflict and balance with my wife and at recovery meetings. I also wrote about it, meditated asked for guidance. "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
I am struggling with my attempt at staying "right-sized" or balanced in such a way that I not hold myself back from being "all I can be" while also accepting any human fears and weaknesses. I fully realize that with God’s help and guidance I am much more than I was and can now do things that others think impossible. On the other hand I have underlying and long-standing difficulties with self-deprecation and even self-hatred which I picked up in my developmental years. The trick or balance for me is to allow both opposites to exist without holding the development of myself back in any way.
Monday, June 17, 2019
Today I was having a lot of difficulty with muscle spasms and the associated pain which is a common problem with my disability. As part of my reducing the pain as much as possible I exercised while focusing on the feeling of one-ness with all that is and harmony. During my periods of meditation in addition to one-ness and harmony I focused acceptance of my condition. The result is far less pain though I am not done and need to keep it up.
Saturday, June 15, 2019
One of my practices is that as I go through my activities on any given day I make it a point to see and feel God’s Love and grace in everything, producing a huge amount of gratitude at all times. For example today I had a meeting with one of the people I work with and last night I was given guidance concerning what we would talk about and how to prepare. Today during that meeting when those events took place, I smiled, did what I was told and felt gratitude. "When the will, in becoming aware of the satisfaction afforded by the object of sight, hearing or touch does not stop with this joy but immediately elevates itself to God, rejoicing in Him who motivates and gives strength to its joy, it is doing something very good. (St. John of the Cross)
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
I have found and live within what Jesus called The Kingdom and, as Jesus said, The Kingdom is present here and now, it is ever-present if we do what is necessary to access it. I live within what I call a bubble of love and witness everything and everyone through that lense, hard to see from where I came from. Seeing and feeling the divine in a beautiful sunset does not surprise me but seeing and feeling love and wonder while viewing a cockroach scurrying across the kitchen counter does. This manner of living provides joy beyond compare even with my pain and disability.
Sunday, June 9, 2019
I have been thinking about the relationship between me and my doctors lately since I am considering going to another neurologist in the hope that he or she can understand my position and, at least, track my symptoms, perhaps even make suggestions. The problem is that I have taken a spiritual/meditative approach to my problems and, between God and myself, have learned to moderate my symptoms in order to remain functional. My approach is outside of their training and they consider what I do to be impossible, given my diagnosis — so they conclude that my diagnosis must be wrong and that I am fooling myself, very frustrating. Their conclusions are not helpful to me. My PCP has at least seen a sample of what I do when my thyroid healed. He remains neutral and concludes nothing. I am not certain what I will do but it is helpful for me to realize that I am putting them on the spot.
Friday, June 7, 2019
Today at a recovery meeting I talked about my very human fears and the fact that I deal with them in large part by getting up in the middle of the night to pray, meditate and be with God. I spoke of that as a magical time and tried to describe the wonderful feeling of God’s Love and power flowing through me. Rufus Jones describes the feeling well when he writes "At it’s best and truest, however, worship seems to me to be direct, vital, joyous, personal experience and practice of the presence of God." I also spoke with someone after the meeting about the middle of the night being a sacred time and suggested she make use of her own waking up to do something similar. I felt the power of being an "instrument". "God must have an instrument — an organ is perhaps a better word — for the revelation of His love and tenderness, just as his physical energies must have their coordinator and transmitter."
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
Today was a day of self-care, harmony and a continuation of the gratitude I wrote of two days ago. I spent the first few hours of the day doing exercise and some hands-on healing with my wife. While exercising I kept an attitude of gratitude and harmony with all that is, in order to promote smooth coordinated muscle movement, a problem with my disability. As a result my muscle activity was fairly smooth, though not like it was prior to my disability. I also went to a recovery meeting and interacted a bit with one of my mentees. After that I spent a couple of hours just relaxing and watching a movie. I need to spend time taking care of me in order to be of maximum service.