Ccommittment

Having made a decision to make the changes I have talked about the last few days, I have been marveling at how the universe is cooperating and encouraging us. I am reminded of the comments by W. H. Murray "that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way." Today it feels good "to be in the flow".

Self-care 2

Yesterday I wrote about having "strong, mixed, very human and extremely transient emotions" which were due to "my sister’s recent death, the probable approaching move to the east coast, changing careers and leaving people I love" and I spoke of several actions I was using to deal with the feelings, basically methods of allowing and encouraging the feelings. Today I was very aware that the feelings were not going away nearly as fast as I would like and that I was also feeling hyper-sensitive and needy. I realize that I need more meditation, contemplation time.

Self-care

I am experiencing strong, mixed, very human and extremely transient emotions, along with some amusement and enjoyment knowing that the feelings reflect my own attachments and that from an eternal perspective they are just a small piece of the puzzle. The feelings are due to my sister’s recent death, the probable approaching move to the east coast, changing careers and leaving people I love, all within the context of getting older and being disabled. I am experiencing anger, sadness, fear, feeling lost and groundless, all due to my attachments. I have been talking, meditating, expressing and writing about my feelings. I know that they are fine and I experience them and let them pass. The process is fun to watch!

Prayer

Today I felt a combination of lost and excited, mostly lost. I lead what would be called a "life of prayer", meaning I use a lot of prayer and meditation to seek guidance as to the right thing to do and act accordingly. At this time of change I am reminded of the words of Thomas H. Green, S.J.; "We become lost in a trackless desert — and then, if we persevere despite our disorientation, we begin to realize that it is only being lost, in losing ourselves, that we are found. The whole of our life and not just our prayer life, becomes a paradox, an apparent contradiction concealing and revealing a deeper truth, because we begin to realize that we must live as we pray" It is also an exciting time for me since I know I’m on the right path - but I do not know where it leads.

Fear Versus Love

I am working towards the spiritual revolution called for by His Holiness The Dalai Lama. How, I think, that will be accomplished is succinctly put by Williamson when she wrote "If you can rise above the fear in your life and live the love within you, and if I can rise above my fear and live the love in me-----if that drama is reenacted enough times by enough of the world’s people-----then we will pierce the cosmic darkness and tip the world in the direction of light.", simple but not easy.

Choice

In the third chapter of my book I speak of the God or love seed in each of us, which I also mentioned in my entry yesterday. As I comment and observe we each have the potential, part or seed to be very ethical, other-directed and loving. We also each have the potential, part or seed to be very self-directed and materially focused. I have done and observed each, as well as having experienced and noted a shift from one to the other. At present time there is far to much emphasis on self-centered and worldly matters, feeding that seed.

Love Seed

In his book Ethics for the New Millennium, His Holiness The Dalai Lama calls for a spiritual revolution and I totally agree. At the present time there is far to much emphasis on self-centered and worldly matters, with negative consequences for many and this world in general. As he points out "We cannot be loving and compassionate unless at the same time we curb our own harmful impulses and desires." I suggest and support in my book that we each have a very ethical and other-directed love or God seed within us. Nurturing that ethical and other-directed love or God seed would accomplish the revolution he calls for and alter the way we treat each other and this planet.

Loving Not Judging

I have a chapter in my book on "Loving Not Judging" in which I say "Honor and embrace every aspect of your own life and the lives of other people, especially, doubts, questions and wrong turns. That is how we learn and grow." For that reason I found myself commenting that I would not judge someone for what they had done. The "mistakes" we have made are a valuable part of the life process. I have been shown and experienced unconditional love. At this point in my life, I can do no less.

Differences

The degree to which I am different from the majority of people astounds me, at times. As happened several times today I look at stories and advertisements in magazines or overhear conversations and find myself thinking "really?", recalling the comment which I heard years ago that "Nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all", meaning that most of the thoughts which occupy our minds are short term, trivial and relatively unimportant. I do place importance on things like love, compassion and relationships. I truly believe and live that. Then this evening I found myself fretting and obsessing about money matters! At tines like these, I am not so different.

Grief & Gratitude

This evening, at my recovery meeting, I really got in touch with how angry and sad I am about my sister’s recent death together with a strong feeling of gratitude that I found my way out of the personal hell she never found her way out of. We each had a lot of hurt, anger and depression from being raised in a moderately violent alcoholic home, resulting in poor life choices. We also each had our own problems with drugs and alcohol, which I worked through and she did not. We had each created our own very painful jail cell. In my case I found a recovery program, did a lot of introspection, journaling, used prayer, meditation and service work to get out of that cell.