Fulfillment

In recent conversations that I have had or listened to I have been struck by the observation that other people place value, care about and focus on events like T.V., cars, work related issues or the condition of their yard. I actively participate in many of those activities and frequently enjoy them but place little value on them, finding them to be transient and hollow. I do focus and find fulfillment in love, connection and relationships, things that, in my view, have some eternal value. In the words of Dubay, S.M.. "The unending yearnings of the human spirit are satisfied by nothing that can be measured, seen, heard or touched. To focus selfishly on anything in the created order is to be restricted and thus to fall that far short of full freedom."

Life of Prayer

I find that I still enjoy activities like regular household tasks, cooking and gardening. I also take a lot of pleasure in my material possessions, especially our several hand made items. I especially enjoy my connections and loving relationships. However my attachments and the familiar ego self is largely gone or a shadow of what it was. This is all part of living within a "bubble of love" and practicing constant prayer and meditation. In the words of Thomas H. Green, S.J. "The life of prayer is perhaps the most mysterious dimension of all human experience. We come to be at home with a God we cannot see. We discover that it is only by giving ourselves away totally that we truly come to possess ourselves, that we are most free when most surrendered. We begin to realize that light is darkness and darkness light. We become lost in a trackless desert — and then, if we persevere despite our disorientation, we begin to realize that it is only being lost, in losing ourselves, that we are found. The whole of our life and not just our prayer life, becomes a paradox, an apparent contradiction concealing and revealing a deeper truth, because we begin to realize that we must live as we pray."

Being At Peace

Today, like most days, I spent a couple of hours tending to the yard, today it was weeding, sometimes it is mowing or planting. Our yard has been neglected for many years, so it is in pretty poor condition. A neighbor said the past two owners had no interest in the yard, which makes it something over a decade since it was tended to. Their attention was simply elsewhere. My tendency is to look at the job as monumental and keep pushing myself to do more since there is so much to be done. I recall a lesson I learned when on crutches and learning to walk again, with a cane being my eventual goal. I realized that if I kept making slight progress daily or weekly, reaching my goal was not in question, it would just take a while. In that case it took four years. With the yard I will do what I can each day and enjoy the process.

Rejoicing

Today I went grocery shopping, connected with a friend, did some cooking and walked around our yard. I rejoiced at the selection of foods, the love of a friend and the smells of the cooking food. I felt joy at the forming flower buds on the clematis and the bright yellow iris bloom. These things are all a glorious part of life, love, God. In the words of St. John of the Cross "When the will, in becoming aware of the satisfaction afforded by the object of sight, hearing or touch does not stop with this joy but immediately elevates itself to God, rejoicing in Him who motivates and gives strength to its joy, it is doing something very good."

Sacred Time

I continue to get up between 12:00 and 1:00 A.M. to be in "the God place" and perform various activities like praying, meditating, answering e-mails and writing in this journal. I then return to bed around 3:00 or 4:00. Those hours are a sacred time for me. I have found to be true what Walsch says of times like these "In the stillness, you will find your true being. In the silence you will hear the breathing of your soul ---- and of God. I have told you many times, and I tell you here again: You will find Me in the stillness." I use that time for thoughts, contemplation and decisions I consider important.

Gratitude

Today was Sunday and I went about several of my regular Sunday activities like a Friend’s meeting and connections with friends and then my major activity of mowing about half of my back yard. We have an electric mower since it is easier to maintain and safer for me. I consider mowing to be good physical therapy since it is good exercise for my back and it challenges my balance to walk behind a mower. I felt a tremendous sense of gratitude since I have not been able to do that for some time and it just felt good to be active and outside. I could hear and watch the birds and feel the cool air.

Understanding Is Not Required

Maria and I have each been very active in service work for the last couple of weeks. For myself that meant mentorship, guiding a retreat, connecting with others and my regular recovery meetings. These activities felt right to me but I also have to admit that I do not really understand what is going on in the world. I "play my piano and sing my little song" (Stevens) which is generally an effort to spread love whenever and however I can. I also have a sense of peace and gratitude which is beyond understanding.  As I say in my book "Understanding is not required".

Connection

This was a day of connecting very strongly and lovingly with several other people. The connections all felt very good - free of self-interest or ego gratification of any kind. I am still a little tired from leading the retreat in Mexico toward the end of last week - which did not matter at all. I automatically went into service mode. As long as I look after my own limits and needs "serving with an open heart is what nourishes and fulfills both the giver and the receiver." It was a good day.

Afflicting the Comfortable 2

I spoke yesterday of "afflicting the comfortable" or, in other words, making observations or giving advice that is out of people’s comfort zone, things they don’t want to hear. I am often in a position to make such observations or give advice, and do so only when asked. Of the three questions I describe in my book (would I do this in front of God, or whatever you call that power/force?; is my name really on it or is it really my responsibility?; will this increase the integrity of the universe, or is this loving?), the last question about increasing the integrity of the universe is usually most important. I have to make sure I am coming from a loving, selfless place rather than being angry, jealous, self-centered or self-righteous in any way. If I am feeling any negative emotions I need to wait and clear myself, usually through meditation and introspection.

Afflicting The Comfortable

As I have said many times, I "comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable". By afflicting I mean that I tell people things that they do not wish to hear in order to promote their true and honest growth. I did both during the retreat, whenever it was requested. When afflicting I am particularly careful to be loving but blunt and honest, rather than "brutally honest". Generally, people’s initial response is defensive or angry with a change to gratitude after a few minutes or more. I always keep the three questions I talk about in my book in mind when doing any interaction.