Listening

One of the important objectives which I mentioned yesterday is "listening", which I now do pretty well in spite of the constant clamoring of my intellect. My brain continues to run on like a squirrel in a cage about things that happened years ago, things that might happen tomorrow, what I will fix for dinner, what should happen next, etc. I used to place some importance on what my brain was saying, thinking it an important guard against present dangers. I now continue to have the thoughts but they are quieter and I now choose to simply attend to the present moment. "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with." (Sogyal Rinpoche)

Humility

Today’s topic for my recovery meeting was "humility", a topic I consider to be very important since only when I am humble (right-sized) can I be in the present and able to listen to the universe around me. The definition of humility which I learned and latched onto many years ago was and is "lack of pretense", in other words knowing, admitting and living within strengths and weaknesses, something I strive for. I am quite capable of being grandiose, thinking I am better than I am or self-deprecating, thinking I am less. Each is egocentric has its own dangers. Each also takes me out of the moment and changes my focus to past or future. I strive to stay in the present, listen and act out of love.

Life

Tomorrow I turn seventy and will be at my mother-in-law’s, away from my computer unable to write in this Blog so I write this now. I have no idea how long I will keep living but I can say that I turned out to be much more than I thought I would and feel quite satisfied with my life, which included thirty-six years of being totally lost, self-centered and confused followed by decades of figuring things out. As Rufus Jones points out living and growing truly has been a process of affirming and deny myself. He goes on to comment "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities.", an observation which fits my process very well. I wonder what lies up ahead and am content to leave it that way.

My Efforts

I attempt to spread love and light in everything I do and say. This Blog, my cooking, gardening, working with spirits or living people are all part of that effort. I understand that the effort is very important and I do it pretty well, falling back into hurt and anger every once and a while. Recently I have been experiencing some back and shoulder pain due largely to my disability and, as with most physical problems, with an emotional component. My shoulders and back are expressing an internal emotional conflict between the part of me that says "your shoulders are not strong enough to carry the load you are carrying" and another part of me that says "fine but I’ll keep doing what I do anyway — and anything I am called to do in the future". I just keep thinking "bring it on! With God’s guidance and assistance I’ll do it."

Spiritual Life

Over the years I have come to know a God that "truly embraces the human experience and free will. This is not a personified jealous God/force who judges me, considers me to be sinful or pitiful or requires any sort of obedience." (my website). That entity walks with me through my life and is a truly wonderful partner. As I also comment the Love coming from that force is absolute and unconditional. That God has been with me through many of the normal human conflicts and observed me making several harmful choices. I have cursed that God on several occasions and turned my back on others. It is important to note that nothing I have done has increased, decreased or impacted that Love in any way. My near-death-experience has shown me that when I die I will leave this physical form and bathe myself in that Love.

Revelation

This morning we had the monthly meeting of our reading group during which the members spoke of openings, leadings and revelations of divine origin in their own lives, a very powerful and intimate sharing. The ability to discern or distinguish between revelations of divine and human origin was also mentioned. As I said today, I have had numerous leadings, many of which are mentioned in my book, though I do not call them that. Many years ago I also prayed for discernment, and was granted that gift. Over the years it has been made clear to me many times that divine love is absolute and unconditional, very pure and simple. This means that thoughts of sin, judgment, levels of acceptance, any qualifications are of human origin, reflecting the political, moral and spiritual climate of the time. That truth has tremendous value for me.

Holistic Health

At this point I am good at keeping it under control (most of the time!) but I have some level of pain most of the time. If it gets really bad (8 or 9 on pain scale) , I turn to minimal pain medications to assist me but usually I use some combination of meditation of peaceful scenes, biofeedback relaxation with a GSR-2, visualization of physical healing and distraction through service work. I have found for myself and witnessed in others that heavy reliance on pain medication leads to decreased effectiveness of medication and increased pain. Today I am experiencing shoulder pain and used meditation and relaxation.

Presence

This evening Maria told me of a boy who during his returning from guitar lessons would stop and play the guitar for the unseen entities along the way, giving him and them great joy. Hearing the story caused me to think back, with fondness, on the times I have done something similar. I greet and say "good morning" to a large oak in our backyard. I recall the feeling of peace and presence while sitting within an aspen grove near Flagstaff. The feeling of being with the large pitch pine at our previous house. While eating lunch at a wildlife sanctuary I had a brief conversation with a feminine feeling spirit who liked that location. Each occurrence gave me a feeling of peace, love, presence and connection. "Jesus said, ‘I am the light which is before all things. It is I who am all things. From me all things came forth, and to me all things extend. Split a piece of wood, and I am there; lift up the stone, and you will find me.’" (gospel of Thomas)

Paradox

In reading over yesterdays entry I find that I am actually grateful for the many challenges that I mention since dealing with them has pushed me to go beyond the person I thought I was. My challenges include alcoholism, disability, chronic pain, my age, the fact that everything is difficult for me, the fact that I am slow and that there are many things I cannot do. I deal well with each of them using love and my loving connection to everything and everybody as my main coping tool. Without the pressure those challenges have produced in my life, I would not be nearly the person I am. "To resign one’s self to the fact that one must travel much in the dark and be greatly sifted and tossed about is an inevitable step in the way of spiritual growth." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Serenity

Today I have been reflecting on life as it is for me, finding that the serenity prayer is working for me, particularly accepting what I cannot change and taking action on the things I can. There are also many aspects of my life that are good the way they are, for example my relationships, my health (other than disability), the several people I work with and my spiritual connection. I accept and live with several things like my disability, chronic pain, my age, the fact that everything is difficult for me, the fact that I am slow and that there are many things I cannot do. I exercise five or six days a week, also working on balance and coordination, in order to minimize my pain and be as functional as possible. The highlight of each day is when I get up in the middle of the night to pray, meditate and connect for a couple of hours. Life is good.