Life

It struck me today that in spite of the inconvenience of my disability, I truly enjoy my life, all of it. Today I began the day by meditating and praying in the wee hours right after midnight. I went to a morning recovery meeting and mentored a couple of people. Those activities were all meaningful and had substance. I also watched part of an enjoyable movie (The Martian) which was pure distraction and had no meaning beyond being a nice break. As Jack Kornfield wrote "The happiness we discover in life is not about possessing or owning or even understanding. Instead, it is the discovery of this capacity to love, to have a loving, free and wise relationship with all of life. Such love is not possessive but arises out of a sense of our own well-being and connection with everything."

Meditation

When I meditate on my connection to God or All-That-Is, I arrive at a place of Love, peace and well-being that others have called the Absolute or La-la Land. Originally I pursued that depth of meditation in order to have the pain reduction I find there and now I go there for the joy of being there. Feeling that connection used to take several minutes of focus but now is easy and immediate. I now carry that feeling during the day and attempt to radiate it. As Jesus said in the Gospel of Luke "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you."

Meditation

Recently, when I get up in the middle of the night I begin by having a small snack, drinking some harmonizing tea, sitting down to meditate on love and healing and then sit with the local spirits for an hour or so. This is a Thursday evening which I normally spend at my mother-in-law’s, with the spirits and unseen entities at that location but tonight I am at my home in Columbia, several miles away. Tonight when I began to meditate I quickly realized that I was expected there so, using my imagination and intent, I went there. I actually felt like I had gone there and found it momentarily confusing when I opened my eyes and found I was at home. I did not know I could do that and do not really understand how I did.

Perseverance

Patricia Loring commented that "We can cultivate an environment among us which will foster one another’s spiritual growth by directing and redirecting intention and attention to God; by discouraging what draws us away; by loving support for each other in the vicissitudes of our utterly human lives; by respecting and cherishing the uniqueness of each life." I believe that she was right and I also realize that we have a long way to go if we wish to reach that goal. The "seed" of that way of life is within us but it needs to be nourished. I am doing that with living people and the unseen spirits. I am reminded that about thirty years ago I was using crutches and gradually learning to walk with a cane. It took me five years but I knew I would get there if I kept making slight movements in that direction — perseverance!

Allowing

It’s a simple thing, very human and a bit silly but I like it when people enjoy the food I prepare. Today was a New Years gathering of me and my in-laws, eleven others and myself. I made spaghetti and meatballs, which they enjoyed. They like to keep things positive, never discuss negative or disturbing things and never go to more depth than superficial small talk. I’m not good at any of that but I can cook and that is comfortable for all. I do not judge them, but I do observe and notice. Judging them for being themselves would be a pointless and exhausting exercise. They are different from me.

Change

I re-read last nights entry and was surprised because my feeling low and negative seems so long ago and unimportant since today I feel gratitude. That’s the way it happens when I allow it to. Yesterday was just part of the cycle. Today was rainy and cold and the plants and animals are in a resting phase until the spring. We have passed the solstice and the cycle continues, a thing of beauty. I enjoy parts of each phase of the year, the heat of summer being the hardest for me.

Feelings

Tonight I keep going back and forth between, on the one hand, feeling fulfilled, loving and connected and on the other hand feeling like a useless, human, disabled mess. I usually feel grateful and loving, as I described last night. Then on some days, like today, I encounter many things I cannot do because of my physical condition. It is a good idea for me to accept each feeling, no matter how irrational, and allow the latter to pass, focusing on the love and gratitude — I’m just not there yet! "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)

Being Part Of

It is very fulfilling for me to feel like I am part of something so much bigger than myself and not try to figure it out beyond the fact that it is loving and powerful. I will call it my spiritual or God connection and leave it at that. It is to big for me to understand, which is fine with me. I am but a small part of it but that connection is a big part of me. "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words. It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning." (Daniel A. Seeger)

Practice

Today and for the last several days I have been experiencing a very strong connection with other people and with God/Love when I meditate. I have also been very busy but consider everything I do as a sacred gift and/or activity. I feel very solid, allowing and aware all at the same time. These feelings are a natural culmination of the practices I participate in like the self-care, prayer, meditation, exercise, eating carefully and sleeping enough. I also have a positive impact on everyone I connect with. "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." (Patricia Loring)

Growth

When I was very young, before the age of ten, I noticed that the other children had a very close, loving, dependent relationship with their parents and addressed their parents as "mom and dad". My parental relationship was not like that. My parents had us children address them by their first names and did not encourage any sort of a close relationship, promoting independence. I have to admit that I felt the lack but also developed that sense of independence and absence of any tendency to attach. As a result of that early experience I have changed careers three times, moved several times, explored several spiritual practices and pissed off several authority figures. I have also learned to appreciate deeply the power and value of love. My childhood was challenging but also valuable in producing the man I am today.