Abiding

My method of abiding in God and God’s Love is to continually ask for guidance, act on that guidance and be grateful. In my process of abiding it has become clear to me that I do not understand God and that abiding is not as simple as I thought. The guidance I receive is not always what I would expect. For example, I asked for guidance while responding to one of the people I mentor who was having some emotional pain. I was planning to attempt to alleviate his pain but was told to "leave it alone", because his working through the pain himself would result in growth and out of respect and love for him. I did what I was told and the result was him getting emotionally much stronger and the pain passed quickly. God apparently Loved him enough to let him have his own pain and process.

Listening

When I was a boy I learned that in the process of exploring the contents along the bottom of a stream, I could lift a rock and allow the disturbed mud to flow away and clear until I got a clear view of what was there. For me, the process of listening is very much like allowing the mud to clear so I can arrive at a clear understanding. In this case the "mud" consists of my previous ideas, biases and prejudices which obscure my view. During my exploration of the unseen realm of spirits it has become clear to me that I do not understand and I am allowing previous ideas to muddy the water. In order to really hear and understand I need to be an open vessel, having let go of all previous ideas — I’m not there yet. "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with." (Sogyal Rinpoche)

Self-care

　 Today I practiced self-care and just being, meaning I did very little and took care of Charlie. It used to be that my feelings of self-worth depended on my accomplishments, an attitude that I learned as a child in a very conditional home. That feeling has been replaced with loving myself unconditionally and for just being me. With the help of God and the people I choose around me I have re-parented myself. It snowed today so I did not even try to go out and one of my wonderful neighbors cleared the snow Off of my sidewalk and parking pad.

Doing

Today I got lost in doing, accomplishment, and in fact I did accomplish doing some tasks but I did not take time to just relax, meditate and be present. I performed normal tasks like exercise, shopping and cooking but rather than taking time to relax and meditate during the day, I chose the direction of accomplishing more — it was an easy choice to make. I paid the price of getting tired, irritable and feeling off center. Sigh!

Joy

Yesterday I wrote of feeling lost and I must admit to feeling lost, impatient and fearful much of the time with joy always there around the corner to be felt any time I get reminded. For example today was a day of performing household duties like shopping and cooking while feeling groundless and impatient to feel something more concrete. I had periodic flashes of joy at seeing the young mothers with their small children or the gratitude for being able to cook. Throughout the day I listened and meditated. "We want to be spiritually alive, but also to be comfortable; to be prayerful, but not to rise early in the morning to pray; to possess power to lead, but not to undergo the discipline that it takes to control the power." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Spiritual Journey

This evening I was re-reading the story of "Jumping Mouse" a Cheyenne teaching story which I identify strongly with. In the story Jumping Mouse goes on a quest to be in the sacred mountains and reach the sacred lake. During his quest he encounters several entities that tell him he is insane to continue and he travels past several temptations to stop. Jumping Mouse is lost and scared much of the time and gets encouragement and guidance from several other animals along his path. He also makes sacrifices along the way but ultimately triumphs by becoming an eagle. And as the Neal Diamond song says "except for the names and a few other changes, my stories the same one". Right now I am feeling lost and listening for guidance while moving forward — such is a spiritual journey.

God's Love

This afternoon Maria and I returned to visit the spirits in the same local graveyard I mention on the 9^th. During the visit we both felt a very powerful feeling of God’s love and I kept thinking of the words I heard when I had my Near-Death-Experience; "this is what it feels like to be dead". As happened within my N.D.E., I could think of nothing but that feeling — it was that intense. Those spirits exist within that feeling which affects and dominates the way they sense reality and I cannot say that I understand more specifically than that. I am reminded of the situation with Jesus Christ where that feeling dominated his life and determined everything he did and said. I understand that feeling is available to us all.

Divine Order

For the last couple of days I have felt strongly that everything around me is in divine order and that I am a part of that order. Nothing particularly monumental has happened but I found myself doing my regular periods of meditation and repeatedly blessing "everything and everybody", which felt very good. As usual I have connected with several people that I mentor. I just feel very loving and in harmony with all that is, a good feeling. This afternoon I discovered a Carolina Wren stuck in one of our gutter drainpipes and Maria freed it. Go in peace little bird!

Change

For today "the courage to change the things I can" has been on my mind since I keep running into that issue, both for myself and those I mentor. Finding that courage requires a great deal of faith and self-love, but it still is not easy and it does not feel good. For myself I have made a number of internal and external changes over the years and found the necessary courage. That courage felt like fear but making the change anyway. In order to make the change I had to overcome and discard the part of myself that no longer served me and also have the faith that something would take its place. "To become a person one must both affirm and deny himself. One involves the other." (Rufus Jones)

Love

In my experience love is other-directed, very fulfilling and long term or even eternal, while individual ego/self-will is pleasing, self-directed and extremely short lived, needing frequent renewal. The latter is frequently supported by our culture; e.g. keep buying newer, bigger and more expensive cars. Having spent several years trying to satisfy my ego, I now prefer and promote love, which gives me much joy and long term fulfillment. Switching from short-term to long term gratification proves to be a difficult step to take but well worth the effort.