Self-interest

As a part of my nighttime devotional I always pray that I may be "relieved of the bondage of self". I include this sentiment since no matter what service which I ask for or imagine there is always a part of me that thinks and hopes that I might benefit in some way, usually some type of money, power or prestige. When I am actually performing the service rather than just thinking about it I am totally focused on that service. Not when I am just thinking about it! I must confess I wish those thoughts were not there — but they are.

Focus

I lost my focus, stumbled and fell while walking from the parking area to my recovery meeting today. Actually I lost my focus and twisted my body to look at something at the same time, a bad combination. One of the gifts (curses?) of my disability is my need to focus on whatever it is that I am doing, a zen thing. If I can maintain my focus and concentration, I move slowly but relatively well. I look on this as a gift since the need keeps my attention on the present moment.

Ministry

In the middle of every night when I get up one of my main activities is to join with God, fill myself with the powerful feeling of God’s Love and broadcast that feeling through my hands to the area around me and as far as it will go. The feeling of joining with God and then broadcasting Love has gotten stronger over time and now has become almost automatic makes my hands pulsate and my wrists ache. I usually visualize sending that Love to a tent above the graveyards and spirits I have visited. I have a strong feeling that this action will get stronger and that it will be necessary, though I do not really understand more than that, but then I do not need to. "The fruits of the Spirit [tests if leadings are divine in origin] have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’" (Galatians 5:23)

Being

I am very aware that I am different from most people. I have no interest in sports or other common distractions and little interest in politics, preferring instead silent contemplation and meditation. Even as a child I recall trying and failing to be interested in the pass times my peers liked such as sports, stamps, coins or games. I did enjoy walking alone through woods and fields. At the present time I find myself enjoying who I am and also wishing that I fit in better! The highlight of my day is getting up in the middle of the night to pray, meditate and be with God. "Only a few achieve the colossal task of holding together, without being split asunder, the clarity of their vision alongside an ability to take their place in a materialistic world." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo).

Listening

Today during our book study meeting I spoke at length about the joys I experience nightly during my meditation and conscious contact with God, the joys I described in my last two entries. I was selfishly disturbed and saddened that the ten or so other people there did not listen to my words and praise me for speaking the truth. They did listen attentively but were primarily restricted by their own beliefs rather than immediately changing their minds and thanking me — pretty silly on my part. I have since recalled how difficult it was for me to really listen to alternative points of view and being stuck within my own beliefs. I could not and would not "listen attentively". Listening was a challenge for me and I am now more open (I think).

Growth

Because of the absolute and unconditional nature of God’s Love I strive to grow in the direction of greater harmony with All-That-Is and to halt anything that impedes that growth. I choose this growth not because I am being judged or graded by some entity but because I value that Love and wish to align with it. The alignment I seek can and does look like a sacrifice on my part but it is simply my choice. As much as possible, I attempt to carry this Love with me and apply it to the people I contact. I should confess that I often fail in my attempts to carry that Love, finding that I judge others.

Perfection

I find truth in the divine sense of perfection while also finding it hard to grasp since it is very different from the human concept. When I am with God I know that I am perfect as I am and that part of that perfection includes what the human part of me considers to be my imperfections, similar to the way a mother looks at a newborn. I also realize that this perfection includes the beauty of luna moths, eagles and springtime, as well as the wonders of cockroaches, bacteria and mosquitoes. The concept also causes me to strive for greater harmony with All That Is. The divine concept gives me a greater sense of peace and results in lessening my stress.

Growth

Two days ago I wrote of my internal struggle to overcome my own fears which are hangovers from past lives. I want to overcome those fears in order that I might become "all I can be". I just do not know what that is! I need to remember that if I stay loving and humble, with God’s help I can become "more powerful than I can imagine" (Williamson). The help is readily available, the rest is up to me to ask, listen and act. "If you can rise above the fear in your life and live the love within you, and if I can rise above my fear and live the love in me-----if that drama is reenacted enough times by enough of the world’s people-----then we will pierce the cosmic darkness and tip the world in the direction of light." (Williamson)

Holistic Healing

Yesterday afternoon, evening and into the first part of the night I had a very bad headache and was feeling agitated since my salt/water balance was off. That was why I wrote nothing last night. Today I meditated for several hours and asked if there was anything emotional or spiritual causing the problems I had. I immediately started reflecting on past lives which I dismissed as meaningless, idle fantasy at first. I then realized that my difficulties were, in part, a PTSD episode based on my experiences in past lives. During the last several days I had been doing several things like healing a suspicious, spontaneous sore on my arm, communicating with spirits and listening "beyond the words" with people. All activities which had resulted in my death and/or persecution during those past lives. My past experiences resulted in a present belief that "I would be punished". In the future I will reassure myself that I am safe.

Connection

Today I had a very strong, enjoyable and exhausting connection with someone new to my arena and I did indeed feel "more than my little self".   During the connection I felt the Presence of something else in addition to the other person, who I was present with. I did not notice any exhaustion until later. My role was to listen and be present. "Great deeds can only be achieved when we are more than our little selves. When we are lent wings we should not reject them." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)