Gratitude

I am approaching the anniversary of my becoming illegal drug and alcohol free and, as I always do this time of year, I am reflecting on my journey these past thirty-five years.  On one hand I have a wonderful life with a very strong connection to the force I call God.  I readily acknowledge that I have gotten many gifts and I am extremely grateful for the person I am today.  I know that I needed to go through all of the challenges I have had to face in order to become me.  On the other han I would not wish that history on anyone.  I had better stick with the gratitude!

Self-care

I noticed the last few days that I was getting angry at little, silly things like when I splattered very sticky cranberry sauce over a large area on the kitchen floor — twice, so I knew I needed more self-care and rest.  Today I did exercise and I went to a recovery meeting but I took the rest of the day off.  I rested, meditated and watched two silly but entertaining movies.  It surprises me how easy I find it to ignore or override my own needs.  I really need to pay attention and take the time needed if I am to be at my best,.

Listening and Acting

I have been keeping a journal for many years because of my realizing how much it helped me stay on track as the person I wanted to be.  In recent years I have put it on line and realized that others might benefit as well.  My procedure was that when I got up to pray and meditate in the middle of the night I would sort back through my day and sometimes one of my files of quotes until something stood out to write about.  The article would then write itself and I would not know for a few days if the main recipient was myself or someone else.  Then one night I got no inspiration — so I wrote nothing.  It then became frequent that I got no inspiration so I would skip a day or so.  More recently my computer crashed causing an extended hiatus and the need for a new computer.  The most recent development is that I have been told to stay off the computer at night and simply pray and meditate.  I now write these entries in the afternoon when a topic presents itself.  I realize now that this has been an exercise in listening and acting accordingly.

Gratitude

Today my recovery meeting was about being grateful, not surprising since it is the day before Thanksgiving.  I was reminded of the many gifts in my life and I am extremely grateful.  Many of the gifts in my life came in the form of challenges or difficulties and their resolution led to the gifts.  My disability is a good example since it has taught me many things, like patience, tolerance and the need for self-care.  I deal with my disability with love and my connection to God.  Using love, visualization and healing prayer has yielded results that doctors say are impossible.

Holistic Health

Today I am struggling with an internal conflict because part of me wants to change and the other part considers any change to be difficult and potentially hazardous — a crossroad that I am quite familiar with.  I have been working on self-healing around my disability, which I have found to be a complex issue.  As I write about in my website and earlier in this blog, I have had good success with self-healing with several problems in the past.  The situation with my disability is more complex.  I have encountered karma, God’s will, and multiple layers of self, all of which must be dealt with prior to any degree of healing.  Right now it is self!

Choice

The other night I had a dream which made it clear that if I wanted to move forward and develop more spiritual muscle I needed to give up more of my earthly (and enjoyable!!) distractions and attachments.  I have already surrendered quite a bit with good results.  The main distraction in this case is that I spend much of each Wednesday watching movies that I take out of the library.  I enjoy them and found myself making up all sorts of excuses and reasons to continue!  I think I will spend tomorrow (Wednesday) doing some quiet meditative activity.  "Great deeds can only be achieved when we are more than our little selves.  When we are lent wings we should not reject them." (deCastillejo)

Aggressive Nature

The other day right after one of my meetings the person I was talking to commented that it was discouraging to realize that humans are basically aggressive to which I responded “they’re not!!”.  As I explained to him, I have observed many times that the thoughts and actions of a person depend on which “seed” or tendency you feed or encourage.  If I am helping someone and I support what I call the “love seed” their behavior can switch from aggressive to loving.  “From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Daniel A. Seeger)

Nightly Meditation

During my nightly meditation, in addition to feeling the “Love, tolerance and compassion” I wrote of two days ago, I broadcast that feeling to the space around me.  When I broadcast that feeling I sense its power more strongly and immerse myself in the sensation, a healing experience.  When I broadcast the feeling I also direct it at myself.  I ask God to join with me and guide me in the whole process.

Meditation

When I meditate each night I very quickly arrive at the “I am” or “Super Conscious” part of myself which is closest to the presence I know as God.  When I am there I can feel God and  communicate with Him/Her/It, a gift I treasure and would not like to live without.  I frequently reflect on the craziness and chaos of myself and other humans around me and the facts that we are killing each other and destroying this planet.  The feeling which comes from God is a mixture of Love, tolerance and compassion similar to but stronger than a parent might feel toward a growing adolescent child.  I then realize that within a loving eternal view — we are doing fine and the earth will survive

My Anger

In one of my recovery meetings I experience flashes of anger at an individual who, like me, has evident brain damage and also, like me, speaks very slowly and has speech problems. It is quite obvious to me that he represents me so I meditated in order to discover the source of anger. I encountered a well of sadness within myself because I spend a great deal of time, thought and energy each day in order to remain functional and alive. The flashes of anger stem from the fact that he does not and does not have to. Having realized that I now feel a great deal of compassion for him since no one would wish to be that way and being that way is difficult.