Change

Recently, I have been dealing with internal conflict which express themselves through physical symptoms like muscle spasms and sore joints or muscles.  In this case the conflict arises because part of me wishes to move forward and develop more spiritually, which, like any change, means the future will be different and that I will have to adjust.  There is another part of me that views the change as a risk and that I might be uncomfortable for a time, which is true.  I am feeling the feelings and reassuring myself that everything will work out fine.  I am frequently conflicted by growth and it has always been good as long as I go in a loving direction and ask for guidance along the way..

Connection

I generally go about my day feeling connected, a personal part of the flow of life, a feeling of fullness or fulfillment.  Through all of the people, places and events, that connection is also with the source, presence, love or God.  I also enjoy some distractions like quiet music and movies which tend to break that connection but are still pleasurable, if I don’t over do it.  There are also distractions like loud raucous music and stand up comedy which break that connection and are not pleasurable for me.  I prefer feeling that connection the vast majority of the time.  I depend on it.  Without it my life is less pleasant.

Life

I have been carefully molded and cared for in order to become the person I am and pray for that to continue every night.  It’s a wonderfully fulfilling way of life which is described very well by Saint Faustina Kowalska; “When a soul has come out of these tribulations, it is deeply humble. Its purity of soul is great.  It knows better without need of reflecting, as it were, what it ought too do at a given moment and what to forbear.  It feels the lightest touch of grace and is very faithful to God.  It recognizes God from afar and continuously rejoices in Him.  It discovers God very quickly in other souls and in its environment in general.  The soul has been purified by God Himself.  God, as pure spirit, introduces the soul to a life which is purely spiritual.  God Himself has first prepared and purified the soul; that is, He has made it capable of close communion with Himself.  The soul, in a state of loving repose, communes spiritually with the Lord.  It speaks to God without the need of expressing itself through the senses.  God fills it with His light.”

The Kingdom of God

I live in a world of love and harmony, a world that I wish all could sense — if they could it would change the way they act and “increase the integrity of the universe”.   I feel that love as I look around me and see what we are doing to each other and the environment.  I also feel that love when I look at myself and my issues.  I know that I am part of eternity and The kingdom of God.  “The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you.” from the gospel of Luke

Holistic Healing

For the purpose of self-healing I divide the self into three layers.  These layers are; the conscious-self, responsible for many day-to-day activities like cooking dinner or writing checks, the lower or physical-self, responsible for things like digestion and breathing and the higher-self which senses eternity and is close to God.  I have found that my lower, physical self knows what my body needs and when combined with love during meditation, can produce healing for many simple problems.  My disability is complex so I am now combining my lower and higher selves and then bringing in the healing power of Love/God.  It is an intense experience.

Self-image

I speak weekly over the phone with several people from different states around the country, offering them support and advice.  Most of the people I talk to have self-image difficulties, as do I.  During many of those calls in the last few weeks I have found myself saying things like “you are far better than you think you are”.  I also hear my internal voice asking “are you listening, Charlie?”, meaning I need to listen to the same advice.  Listening not in a prideful, egocentric way but in a humble, “lack of pretense” way.  In the words of Joan Baez “I am less than this song I am singing, I am more than I thought I could be”.

Being Authentic

A few days ago, at one of my regular recovery meeting, the speaker celebrated twenty-six years of being free of his addiction.  He spoke well, saying all the appropriate things, using the words learned in the program of recovery and expressing gratitude.  He made people laugh and even cry a bit and, as one person put it, he was entertaining.  I was disturbed by his talk since his emphasis was on saying the “right” things and having people like him, rather than being heartfelt and authentic, saying what was going on with him.  I used to do the same but realized what I was doing and then changed.  There were also two people who spoke from the heart and authentically who I enjoyed listening to.

Growth

Life presents us with opportunities for growth and what I look for in myself and those I talk to is being aware of the challenges and having the courage to say yes, continuing to move forward.  A good example of that for me was when I was diagnosed with my disability.  It was supposed to be a progressive, degenerative neurological disorder which would never improve and probably continue to worsen.  Medically they could not help me and I, of course, had the option of just staying with that prognosis but I had also been introduced to taking a spiritual approach to my problems so I decided to try that — with trials and tribulations and spectacular results.

Meditation

Two days ago, on the night of my last entry, I began having muscle spasms in my back which have continued till this afternoon. Normally I would get a spasm or two and be fine the next day — when the spasm is purely physical and there is no emotional component.  In this case the spasms went on for two days, a sure sign that something beyond the physical was going on so I meditated about it by feeling the pain and whether the pain felt like fear, anxiety or anger (three common problems for me).  It turns out that the changes I wrote about two days ago are also causing a lot of anxiety which added to the spasms.  I know that was the problem since identifying it and feeling it reduced the spasms.

Holistic Healing

The self-healing I am doing is complex but I am persisting and it is going well — not smoothly or gracefully, but well.  In terms of complexity I continue to run into issues of self, karma and God’s will.  Right now I am working on the karma part.  My balance and the cooperation (smooth & more coordinated) of my muscles is improving.  With my improved balance my wife has notice that I am moving faster.  I notice the change in speed and also I am beginning to make movements I couldn’t before.  The fact that my activity and balance are changing means that I am taking risks and doing things differently and the change (like any change) is a challenge for me and I lose patience.