Acceptance

  I have been successful at changing many of my dysfunctional behaviors and many aspects of my physical condition, parts of myself that I did not like at all.  It is paradoxical that in order to make the changes, I must first accept the reality of the situation as it is.  Total acceptance provides a base level I can work from and without that acceptance, I lack a firm starting point.  I can have any feeling I wish toward the situation, hate or love, but I must also accept it.  My feelings make no difference as far as the changes I wish to make.  Right now, I am striving to change my level of physical pain.  I begin each day by assessing my pain level and what I can do about it for that day.  I need to accept the pain I will have for that day and my method works well — but I do not like the pain at all.

Humility

  Yesterday I had a repeat lesson in humility and my insanity in doing the same thing several times and expecting it to work this time. I learned several years ago that humility meant accepting the reality of being who I am without pretense, no pretending to be different than I am.  I need to accept that because of my disability everything I do will take three to five times longer than normal.  Yesterday I tried to do to much and as a result at seven in the evening I was exhausted and still doing the dinner dishes.  This morning I feel grateful for the lesson and am  planning a restful day.  

Life Goal

  Several years ago I set my goal as changing the world one person at a time and it is apparent that I have done and continue to do that.  I picked that goal because I knew it would occupy me for the rest of my life and I find the goal to be fulfilling — it fits me well.  I don’t wish to control anyone or achieve any specific outcome.  I do wish to bring people closer to whatever concept of Love or God works for them and have them use that power/source in their decision making.  Of course I have to begin with me.  “We can cultivate an environment among us which will foster one another’s spiritual growth by directing and redirecting intention and attention to God; by discouraging what draws us away; by loving support for each other in the vicissitudes of our utterly human lives; by respecting and cherishing the uniqueness of each life.”  (Patricia Loring)

Power of Love

  Because of a recent conversation, I was caused to reflect on the role and power of love in my life.  Before my disability I had some familiarity with the love one feels toward another person but I had no clue that I could .use the power of love to physically heal and transform myself, my life.  Daily, I direct loving energy to specific physical problems by generating a loving feeling and sending it by intent to those locations.  I also fill myself with love while meditating and asking for guidance.  I generally let any negative or angry feelings pass and make my decisions based on love.

Comparing

  “If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. (Ehrmann)”  How true!  If I compare specific aspects of myself with other people, like I used to do, I always come out on the bottom and not feeling good about myself.  That was the way I was raised but that practice did not work for me.  Someone pointed out yesterday that I no longer do that and I felt gratitude realizing he was right.  I focus on the fact that I am the best Charlie Horton I know, and leave it at that.

Anxiety

  Two days ago I did my weekly grocery shopping and was impressed by the exceptionally high level of anxiety floating around in the atmosphere of the stores.  Many of the people were on edge and that feeling was definitely part of the unseen reality I mentioned a couple of days ago.  I felt the need of shaking it off or clearing myself when I got home.  Today is inauguration day and the level of anxiety is even higher.  Fortunately I have been keeping up with my spiritual practices and self-care so I can feel peace and calm — when I focus on that and keep in mind that the anxiety is not mine.

Understandig Is Not Required

  It strikes me this morning that though I am aware of some surface activity going on in the world, I do not really know what is going on — and that is just fine.  I listen to NPR for a few minutes each day and I also read some of the “Washington Post” so I have some idea of current events, what I am calling surface activity.  I limit my exposure to these sources because I do not want to be convinced that is the whole story.  I also meditate for several hours each day in order that I might make contact with the “unseen” part of the atmosphere around and within me.  It is during meditation that I sense the love, strength, peace, anxiety and fear in the atmosphere.  That is part of my reality but I do not really understand it.

Happiness

  I cannot say that I feel what I think of as happy but I do feel complete or fulfilled and am aware of being connected in a very loving way to everything and everybody.  I think of happy as that giddy, carefree feeling of a child laughing while riding on a merry-go-round.  The feeling I live within is much deeper than that.  “I tell you, I am in every flower, every rainbow, every star in the heavens, and everything in and on every planet rotating around every star.  I am the whisper of the wind, the warmth of your sun, the incredible individuality and the extraordinary perfection of each snowflake.  I am the majesty in the soaring flight of eagles, and the innocence of the doe in the field; the courage of lions, the wisdom of the ancient ones.” (Walsch)

Being Rather Than Doing

  I plan to spend much of this day focused on simply being myself, meaning prayer and meditation on gratitude and love, things I can do readily during covid-19 isolation.  Being disabled I find that if I focus on “doing” rather than “being” I am likely to be aware of what I cannot do or how slow I am.  If, instead, I focus on being then my disability does not hamper me, as long as I accept it without fighting.  I tend to be concerned that I will not be physically able to do what is asked of me and my meditation made it clear that I need not worry — just be Charlie.  I can do that!  “It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some, novel and previously unimagined course.” (Patricia Loring)

Choice

  Today I find myself conflicted, on the one hand I really like the person I have become and on the other hand I wish I was more “normal”, able and inclined to perform the average activities of a husband and person on this planet.  Long ago I asked to see things the way God does and I keep pushing myself to be more.  I now see things through the eyes of love and eternity.  I do things that others think impossible and have become the exception I have mentioned before, behaving outside the norm.  Being the exception also means leaving average behind.  I cannot do both and I have made my choice.  "Only a few achieve the colossal task of holding together, without being split asunder, the clarity of their vision alongside an ability to take their place in a materialistic world." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)