Guidance

  Today will be a day of reflection in addition to my regular activities.  I plan to do some cooking, exercising and meeting with two of the people I work with, but I also feel troubled and in need of quiet time to sort things out.  To be honest I am not sure what is bothering me ... It could be personal matters or something which is really none of my business in the world at large. I guess I’ll find out! ... It is now later in the day and I have been active with periods of reflection and meditation between. I frequently ask for guidance and support, especially when working with someone. It is now clear that my troubled feeling comes from my wanting to do more and longer range.  My guidance and support is usually here and now, which makes perfect sense.  That is all I need to know.

Discipline

  This morning (Tuesday) I was struggling to feel confident about my own physical ability and positive about life in general.  Then I talked about how I felt with Maria, my wife, and then two people I mentor. I also did some exercising and Journaling. Now, I feel pretty good. I am now glad I did it though those actions took some discipline and I didn’t really want to do them. Those actions helped in the past and I thought they would help this time ... but I still resisted, so I pushed.

Guidance

  Today I celebrated 38 years of sobriety during my recovery meeting. I actually  passed my anniversary on the 11th, a few days ago.  When I spoke I focused on my spiritual recovery.  I had fallen on the hard tile floor of the bathroom two days ago and I wasn’t even sure I would be able to speak since I was still recovering from that.  I asked for guidance and support and “got out of the way” so it was a powerful talk and meeting.  Everyone could feel the power.  I was congratulated many times which I enjoyed immensely, also knowing that I was not responsible for what happened or who was inspired by what I said.  I did say the words and got my ego out of the way, not small things.

Connection

  I spend my day connected to the Universe, God, Eternity, my higher self and “all that is”.  The connection feels strong, loving and very powerful and I suspect I am just scratching the surface.  I cannot describe it more than that but it’s a wonder to me.  It is when I meditate that I feel it the strongest and it is also then that I “listen” most intensely.  I believe that is what Nisargardatta Maharaj called the “I am”.  I get quiet, connect and listen for the whispers.  “According to Thomas, Jesus says that this primordial light not only brought the entire universe into being but still shines through everything we see and touch.” (Elaine Pagels)

Acceptance

  I was primarily listening and feeling but quietly communicating with an old, gnarled juniper tree.  The tree was living in a hot, wind-swept, dry and rocky area of Arizona.  I found myself considering what it would be like for the tree to live in a less rugged location and it stopped me by pointing out that it was more peaceful for it to think only of “what is” and be grateful for life.  I have used that level of acceptance for my own life, particularly my disability.  I could certainly compare myself to others and envy their ease, coordination and speed.  I have to admit I do that at times and it feels like I am fighting myself, definitely not peaceful.  I also can and usually do accept “what is” and be grateful for what I have.  It changes nothing but I find peace there.

Listening

  I have been reflecting back on a time a few years ago when I was a therapist on contract with child Protective Services.  I would meet with people and council them in their homes, usually as an unwelcome guest.  On my first visit with one family, their dog, an enormous mix of Great Dane and boxer, jumped on my lap and gently rubbed his cheek on mine.  It was a loving greeting and a clear response to my own energy field, since he did not know me.  I have found dogs to be sensitive to those unseen energies, which I try to sense as well.  Sensing those unseen energies is now part of “listening” for me.

Self Care

  I am missing something in me and there is a lot going on in my life right now so it’s not surprising that I feel lost and confused.  My mother-in-law just died and I was close to her so there is grief.  I am also the executor (personal representative) of her will so there are legal requirements and rules I must follow.  I filed her will and opened the estate yesterday— so I have begun the process, a big deal for me.  I need quiet time in order to sort out my feelings and just to rest.  I will rest. (Later) I needed that rest since I am dealing with challenging times. I also spent some quiet sorting time to get in touch with me.  I am reminded that “emotions can’t hit a moving target” and I now feel much better.

Love

  Hurt people hurt other people.  There are a lot of hurt, angry people doing destructive things to themselves and others — and I used to be one of them.  Now I do no intentional harm to myself or anyone else.  The difference was love and understanding which was given to me and I now pass it along whenever I have a chance.  I surround myself with what I was given knowing that I could be a part of that love by giving it away, freely.  In my past people have tried to modify my behavior with rules and regulations.  I have also been punished.  Those actions though well intentioned and necessary at times, did not address the hurt.  Love did.

Grief

  Today I am sad and grieving the loss of my mother-in-law so I do not feel particularly enlightened or enlightening!  I have been waiting for whatever feelings to hit me so I was not surprised with the sadness and anger.  Writing about them and talking of the feelings in a recovery meeting help.  I also feel tired so I think I will rest and not do anything for now.  I am totally convinced that she is now in a pleasant place but I will miss her living presence.

Sigh

  I have had several doctors and other medical professionals ask me about my approach to health and healing since I have accomplished what they consider impossible (mainly “spontaneous” healing of things that either were not possible or should have required surgery).  After my explanation they dismiss me by saying something like “I don’t know what you are doing” or deciding I was miss-diagnosed.  They have never asked me to talk to their other patients ---- very discouraging but totally understandable. I have generally spoken of the transforming power of love, meditation and imaging.  To them I am an exception or an outlier, far removed from what they know as true.  I do not fit but I continue!