Humility

  Today’s meeting was about humility, which is very important to my recovery, particularly my ability to listen deeply.  I have found it best to be in a place of balanced peace and openness in order to really hear and be receptive to others or even my own internal voice. For that, I need to be right sized and internally quiet.  Ego deflation, which was emphasized in the meeting, is easy for me.  I am comfortable recognizing my past “defects” and shortcomings.  Self criticism and judgement come easily.  The part of that balance which does not come easily is to recognize that in some ways I am unique and remarkable, as is everyone else.  I would like to always remember that I am a valuable human who can do things others cannot .

Self-image

  For the last several days I have been thinking a great deal about my own self-image and I have realized that it is very difficult, perhaps impossible, for me to assess myself accurately and without bias.  My difficulty comes, at least in part and perhaps largely, from my childhood and early life, during which I was conflicted and confused.  I have tended to have a low opinion of myself mixed with brief periods of grandiosity.  I would like to have a balanced and accurate view.  On the one hand I am aware that I can do many things which noone else can do.  I am also very much aware of my limitations, especially as a disabled person.   I am also smarter than most, but on the other hand there are many things I don’t know.  As I often say “I know enough to know I don’t know”.  I think I’ll leave it there!

Tending the Fire

  This afternoon I have been reflecting back on my life in AZ and the many “Native” ceremonies I participated in during my life there.  I used quotation marks since I was a white boy practicing ceremonies within a glorious mixture of people from different cultures and both sexes.  There were Caucasians, Navajos, Hopi, Lakota and several mutts or mixtures of different cultures.   During those ceremonies one person would tend the fire while others took part and all would pray and feel blessed for whichever.  I now live in MD and am older and retired.  I find that I still spend much of my time either tending fire or practicing in some way — sometime both.  I also spend my days feeling grateful and much blessed.  Not bad for an older white boy!

Self Image

  The normal or average outcome for someone with my diagnosis (cerebellar degeneration) is that they never get better, continue to worsen and then die, though the timescale varies up to several years after diagnosis.  In my case I did get better and it is now thirty-five years after diagnosis so I am abnormal, an outlier, an exception, a white crow.  I have been using imaging and the power of love for the last thirty-five years with good results and I am extremely grateful.  When I was in grad school one of my professors said “treasure your exceptions” because that is where the learning is.  I am an exception and I need to acknowledge that, for my own self image.

Recovery

  At this point I have largely gotten over those “defects of character” and negative thoughts that plagued me and held me back for so many years.  Today I have been reflecting on the process by which I gave them up.  I definitely needed to become aware and talk about them, which took me several years.  For the last step I did not work on them directly but focused on my connection with God/love.  I focused on filling my life with love and acting on that love then the defects did not exactly vanish but they got quiet and no longer ruled my life.

“Seek not humility.  Seek God.  Through God you will find humility.  Sought as an end, humility will run in a circle and bring you directly back to pride.

“Seek not for faith to move mountains.  Seek God first.  Perhaps the mountains do not need moving, perhaps He will lift you up above the mountains which may be better than moving them.

“Seek not pleasure neither of body nor of soul.  This too is a gift, eluding those who seek it   seek God, for He alone is able to give joy, which is infinitely finer than pleasure.

“Seek not power, not even power to do great deeds.  Seek God and Him alone, and power will flow from you in ways and times which are hidden from you.” p 31-32

from Our Hearts Are Restless, by Gilbert Kilpack,

Balance

  I write often about the power of love and I spend much of my day in a semi-meditative state in which I can feel and respond to that power.  I am also gifted with a very strong intellect which I switch to and use several times a day.  When I write “switch to” I mean that my intellect comes to predominate at those times.  My intellect predominates while when doing things like listening to the news, reading a scientific journal or paying bills.  My intellect is a very important tool for my daily functioning, but I am also smart enough to see its limitations.  They are both important parts of me which I balance every day.  “To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words.....It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning.”  (Silence: Our Eye On Eternity, by Daniel A. Seeger)

Power of Love

  Back in a basic social work class while studying for my masters in social work, I was given a surprise opportunity to address a whole class for an hour on why I chose social work.  I quickly and privately asked  for guidance and support from God. I then spoke vulnerably, lovingly  and openly about myself and my history.  Basically I spoke my truth and let God speak through me, without ever mentioning the source.  I created a sacred space.  The whole class responded by opening up — a magical moment.  After the semester was over one of the students approached me and asked “How does it feel to know you changed a whole class for a whole semester? I can describe in detail the events that took place, but not what really happened.  I cannot describe the power.  I have experienced the power of love/God many times and know the feeling well and like then I can describe the events and say the words — but not the reality.  “So long as we are satisfied to confine our attention to exact description of what is, and to study of antecedent causes, the dramatic features of the universe will necessarily escape us, and we shall get no intimation of an Intelligence operative throughout the unfolding drama.” (from Rufus Jones Speaks To Our Time: An Anthology, edited by Harry Emerson Fosdick)

My Life

  I lead a relatively quiet and peaceful life, I have even called my life monastic at times.  It’s a quiet life of service immersed in love for everything and everybody.  Many years ago I asked to see things the way God does.  Now I believe I do (except at times when I allow myself to get distracted!).  My love is a gift I am very grateful for.  “For after all the beautiful and simple words have been spoken, it is still the pattern of that Life which compels attention: its obscure and humble birth; its education in poverty; its temptation, mortification, and solitude; its acts of compassion and service; its desolation at moments of apparent abandonment of the Divine; its painful death of the self; and its final absorption into the Source.” (Silence: Our Eye On Eternity, by Daniel A. Seeger)

What Works For Me

  Right now I feel the need of lots of quiet, meditative time, a need that is supported by my wife but not my culture or my own head at times.  I often feel bombarded by a culture that tells me I will feel less stress if I do more, own this or that, achieve fame or have more money.  In my life I have tried those things and found they did not work. Silence, love, service and humility have worked and cost me nothing other than focus.  Noone profits in terms of money — yet I feel rich.  “From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Silence: Our Eye On Eternity, by Daniel A. Seeger)

Humility

  In the last several entries I have mentioned some of the beautiful and healing events in my life within the last decades.  I have attributed them to love and the power of love.  In my experience the words or beliefs (Buddha, Jesus, God, Krishna, Higher power) behind that love make no difference.  The presence and power of that love is important.  It is also important for my humility to always remember that I am not its source, but a willing and grateful conduit.  “A mystical touch is a deep, intimate contact-union-experience of God in one of His attributes such as power, light, goodness, beauty, or joy.” (Fire Within by Thomas Dubay, S. M.)