Choice

  In my self development process I have focused on developing what I call my God seed, the part of me that feels connected to God, love, compassion and eternity.  In order to develop that part I have found it best to de-emphasize my aggressive/violent, materialistic and self-centered tendencies in favor of things like being of service or relationships.  It’s a simple choice of which wolf I want to feed.  I also need to do a lot of self-care in order to be available.  I make my choice because it feels best and more fulfilling.  “To become a person one must both affirm and deny himself.  One involves the other.” (Rufus Jones)

Spiritual Experiences

  I have been reading The Varieties of Spiritual of Spiritual Experience, 21st Century Research and Perspectives by Yaden and Newberg and found it very thorough in terms of the varieties of experience and attempts at elucidating them   I have also had numerous spiritual experiences of my own and had my life changed accordingly.  In my reading, I am reminded that “No process of analysis, no piling up of descriptive accounts, no reversion to antecedent causes, brings us any nearer to what we mean by beauty, goodness or love.” (Rufus Jones).  I also recall that Margaret Mead once wrote that “As I understand contemporary trends of physical science, there is increasing recognition of vast unknown areas which science may explore and assist in ordering, but to which it may never provide anything like complete answers.”

God/love

  I do not personify God since I find no reason to do so.  I experience God as love and have integrated that feeling into all; of my beliefs and activities.  I practice formal sitting prayer and meditation for at least an hour a day and, less formally, walking around meditatively for another hour or so.  I generally feel connected to God/love and grateful for the rest of the day.  So I know and experience God/love much of the time, but I wish to also clarify that I do not understand God/love.  It is a wonderful way of life and I depend on that connection.  I use that power for my own health and healing as well as other activities, but I do not understand its full extent,  "That God is both utterly beyond me and yet totally within me at the same time is the exquisite balance that most religion seldom achieves..." (from “Immortal Diamond”, by R. Rohr) 

Loving Communication

While contemplating my upcoming visit with a neurologist I realized that because of my past unhelpful visits with medical people, I was setting up a defensive attitude for this visit.  Not a good idea!  I would like the visit to be free, respectful and understanding, resulting in a neurologist who is an ally who appreciates my position.  Understanding on his part would also be nice, but is probably unrealistic given the fact that using my various practices, I accomplish things that are considered impossible and am far healthier than I should be.  My assuming that I have to defend myself starts us off on the wrong foot.  I fully realize that I am putting him in a challenging position so starting out with an open, loving and respectful attitude is more likely to produce the results I desire.

 

Daily Practices

  I am not a saint, though I strive to be as close to the historical Jesus as possible, within my personal limitations.  I take part in daily practices of being quiet, listening and following the guidance I receive.  I carry out my daily activities while viewing everything as sacred and being grateful for my many gifts.  As far as being 75 and disabled, I accept them and wish it was different.  If I do these things I feel connected all the time — which I depend on.  Doing these things also allows me to access and make use of the power of love/God.  “You can be a saint, if you want to be one. It's as simple as that. Only you must remember, ALL THE TIME, that GOD makes saints, not we: we just do what we are told. But in order to do what we are told, we must hear what is said, and in order to hear we must listen, and in order to listen, we must be quiet - not only with our tongues, but interiorly, in our minds and hearts.” )author, an anonymous priest or brother(

Humility

  Today’s meeting was about humility, which is very important to my recovery, particularly my ability to listen deeply.  I have found it best to be in a place of balanced peace and openness in order to really hear and be receptive to others or even my own internal voice. For that, I need to be right sized and internally quiet.  Ego deflation, which was emphasized in the meeting, is easy for me.  I am comfortable recognizing my past “defects” and shortcomings.  Self criticism and judgement come easily.  The part of that balance which does not come easily is to recognize that in some ways I am unique and remarkable, as is everyone else.  I would like to always remember that I am a valuable human who can do things others cannot .

Self-image

  For the last several days I have been thinking a great deal about my own self-image and I have realized that it is very difficult, perhaps impossible, for me to assess myself accurately and without bias.  My difficulty comes, at least in part and perhaps largely, from my childhood and early life, during which I was conflicted and confused.  I have tended to have a low opinion of myself mixed with brief periods of grandiosity.  I would like to have a balanced and accurate view.  On the one hand I am aware that I can do many things which noone else can do.  I am also very much aware of my limitations, especially as a disabled person.   I am also smarter than most, but on the other hand there are many things I don’t know.  As I often say “I know enough to know I don’t know”.  I think I’ll leave it there!

Tending the Fire

  This afternoon I have been reflecting back on my life in AZ and the many “Native” ceremonies I participated in during my life there.  I used quotation marks since I was a white boy practicing ceremonies within a glorious mixture of people from different cultures and both sexes.  There were Caucasians, Navajos, Hopi, Lakota and several mutts or mixtures of different cultures.   During those ceremonies one person would tend the fire while others took part and all would pray and feel blessed for whichever.  I now live in MD and am older and retired.  I find that I still spend much of my time either tending fire or practicing in some way — sometime both.  I also spend my days feeling grateful and much blessed.  Not bad for an older white boy!

Self Image

  The normal or average outcome for someone with my diagnosis (cerebellar degeneration) is that they never get better, continue to worsen and then die, though the timescale varies up to several years after diagnosis.  In my case I did get better and it is now thirty-five years after diagnosis so I am abnormal, an outlier, an exception, a white crow.  I have been using imaging and the power of love for the last thirty-five years with good results and I am extremely grateful.  When I was in grad school one of my professors said “treasure your exceptions” because that is where the learning is.  I am an exception and I need to acknowledge that, for my own self image.

Recovery

  At this point I have largely gotten over those “defects of character” and negative thoughts that plagued me and held me back for so many years.  Today I have been reflecting on the process by which I gave them up.  I definitely needed to become aware and talk about them, which took me several years.  For the last step I did not work on them directly but focused on my connection with God/love.  I focused on filling my life with love and acting on that love then the defects did not exactly vanish but they got quiet and no longer ruled my life.

“Seek not humility.  Seek God.  Through God you will find humility.  Sought as an end, humility will run in a circle and bring you directly back to pride.

“Seek not for faith to move mountains.  Seek God first.  Perhaps the mountains do not need moving, perhaps He will lift you up above the mountains which may be better than moving them.

“Seek not pleasure neither of body nor of soul.  This too is a gift, eluding those who seek it   seek God, for He alone is able to give joy, which is infinitely finer than pleasure.

“Seek not power, not even power to do great deeds.  Seek God and Him alone, and power will flow from you in ways and times which are hidden from you.” p 31-32

from Our Hearts Are Restless, by Gilbert Kilpack,