Listening

Today I have been reflecting on my ability to listen deeply, which I work on daily and have commented on many times in this journal.  My ability to listen has added greatly to the richness of my life.  If I am internally quiet I can communicate with the plants in my yard, feel the more intense feelings of those I am interacting with and communicate with spirits.  I just have to quiet my internal dialog, which of course requires constant attention and is next to impossible.  I do better to not watch or listen to much news and stay away from rapid fire things like the internet.  I like meditation and quiet time.  Laughing at my own brain chatter rather than fighting or judging it also helps.

 

Truth

  Many years ago, when I was involved in my post-doctoral studies, other scientists and I were deeply involved in exploring the issues of that time, which included topics like competition, imprinting and behavioral determinism.  At that time several respected scientists and a Nobel Laureate commented that there was something far more complex going on.  They were ignored and/or discredited, which disappointed me since they were making the important point that the truth was more than was being attended to.  I have noticed a similar pattern many times since.  It seems to me that scientists and others are searching for truth as long as that truth falls within certain comfortable and predictable boundaries.  That is not how truth works!  The reason this is on my mind is that unfortunately my health condition falls outside of those boundaries since I am doing far better than I should be.  The truth of the actions I have taken is largely ignored or discredited while it could help others.  I live that truth.

Consciousness

  I would like to know and understand more of what is usually called consciousness.  I do know enough to know that I do not know, so I am keeping my mind open. There is the simple and logical part of the conscious mind which can guide us in doing many wonderful things, like designing computers, judging right and wrong, performing job functions, telling us to brush our teeth, performing scientific studies and providing us with an endless source of entertainment. In short it can tell us some simple facts about how to get along in the world. The conscious mind can and often does a great deal more than that, if a person is willing to expand their awareness  beyond the limits of commonly held beliefs.  For example, we are interacting at all times with the unseen reality around us through our feelings, intuition and interactions.  Everything we say or do impacts the energy field around us, and we react to that.  “As I understand contemporary trends of physical science, there is increasing recognition of vast unknown areas which science may explore and assist in ordering, but to which it may never provide anything like complete answers.”  (Margaret Mead)

Differences

  Today is Thanksgiving and in addition to feeling my normal peace and gratitude, I am very aware of how different I am from the dominant culture.  This morning while on my exercise machines I listened to NPR and they were all about socializing, feasting, black Friday, video games and buying things.  I have no interest in any of that. Last weekend I had a lovely conversation with my sister-in-law about her home furnishings and some other matters.  What was lovely about the conversation was not what we talked about but the feelings that were shared. I enjoyed the enjoyment I felt from her.  I used to try to fit in, now I just enjoy

Feelings

In my entry toward the end of last month I wrote of “joining with” and not fighting my disability and that has been true for me. My emotional position allows me to listen to what it has to tell me.  I also just realized how angry it made (makes?) me.  I have found it very important to feel all of my feeling and in this case if I am to honor, respect and accept my disability, I also need to feel my anger and intense dislike for what it has put me through.  I need to love it note like it.

 

Sacred Balance

  Life on this planet is sacred and beautiful.  I can see it, feel it and enjoy it all day, every day if I am internally and externally quiet.  The beauty includes all things alive and supposedly dead — rocks, trees, soil, babies, sunsets, death/dying and feces.  Everything is becoming or fading in a beautiful and delicate balance.  I find it easy to celebrate the creation side of this scenario with its growth, hope and promise.  It is also important for me to realize that death/dying/fading is a necessary part of creation.  That part is sad and often contains regret for me, but also the possibility of more creation.  “It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large.” (Daniel A. Seeger)

Listening not Fighting

  For my own peace of mind and clarity I have been attempting to piece together how I have dealt with my disability over the last thirty-five years.  My disability is a chronic, degenerative, neurological disease similar to Parkinson’s or M.S., but, as I mentioned in my last entry: I have gotten better, did not die and have not gotten worse.  So, my question is what have I done differently.

I did not “fight” my disability or struggle against it in any way.  Actually my disability taught me that since fighting spastic muscles just makes them worse I’m better off accepting them and what they can tell me.  In fact, my disability has taught me many things since I listen to it without considering it an enemy.  It has helped me with things like patience, acceptance and tolerance in addition to teaching me to listen better. I am the person I am today in part, because of my disability.  My relation with it is complex and multifaceted. I have “joined” with my disability, treating it in some ways as an unwelcome partner in my life.  It has definitely made my life more difficult in many ways.  However I am very grateful for the person I have become. I respect it, accept it but do not like it.  I also honor it as a sacred gift from God just like just like rocks, trees, sunsets, rain and oceans. 

In joining with my disability I also negotiate with it.  On one hand I will do all I can to make it go away while also appreciating its gifts and respecting it.  My disability is integral to who I am and what I do.  I also know that, given a chance, it will kill me which I am not ready for yet since I am not done.  There is no feeling of malice or anger on either side, it is as it is.

Looking back, I would not change a thing since that would make me different, but I wish that was not so.

Power of Love

  Earlier this month I wrote about truth and reality.  Part of reality that people in the medical profession have difficulty accepting is what I call the power of love.  In my case I have repeatedly used that power to my obvious benefit, often while being diagnosed and seen by doctors.  I would be a fool not to believe in that power.  I also need to acknowledge  myself for using it.

In 1988 I was diagnosed with cerebellar degeneration, a chronic, degenerative neurological disease, and told it would never get better and continue to worsen.  My reading informed me that I should expect to die within two to five years, and since I was in bad shape at that point, it would probably be closer to two.  Well I did get better (not all the way), and did not get worse, except for my speech.  I used the feeling of love with meditation and imaging.  I have since used the same techniques for numerous skin lesions, hypothyroidism, heart, lung and prostate problems.  I use no medications and have not been sick in eight years.  Not bad for an old man of 75!  Something is working!

Quiet Time

  The other day my wife asked me to talk with someone on the phone and I signaled that I would do so but needed a few minutes of lead time.  I took that time to clear my head of its regular thoughts (cooking dinner, balancing the checkbook, which movie to watch, etc.) so that I could listen better.  I wanted to listen more clearly to them, God and my own intuition so that I could then respond to their needs, not something else.  I find that I need periods of quiet time during the day in order to function well.  “It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large.” (Daniel A. Seeger)

Honesty

  As a child I noticed that many of the adults around me (primarily teachers and parents at that point) preferred appearances to reality.  They wanted things to look good and tended to look past things they did not want to see.  I realize now that my observation was overly simplistic, but I have certainly used it to my advantage.  I have seen the same tendency many times since then, with a variety of justifications or rationalizations.  My concern, for me, is that the approach is not honest.  When I began recovery I realized that I was striving to present myself as the perfect recovering person, not admitting the truth of who I was.  I did that well, learning the right things to say and do!  I then realized I was hurting myself and began trying to be honest, difficult but worth it.  I still have to watch myself on that one!