The recovery meeting today was about willingness and I mentioned that now I am totally willing to do what ever God guides me to do, but that has not always been so. Since the meeting, I have been reflecting on the process I have been through in becoming more willing.
I have been through a variety of very difficult and often painful experiences in the past twenty seven years, which have gradually brought me to a compete reliance and a partnership with God. My growing relationship with God was the only thing I found that made my physical situation better, or even tolerable at times. I recall the last instance most clearly and am still coming out of it. At my lowest point, I had several open sores in my mouth that were all periodically bleeding and could only halt the continuous spastic movement of my jaw during sleep or deep meditation. I was in a lot of pain from biting my cheeks and tongue several times a day. I had extreme difficulty with talking and eating, the doctors were prescribing palliative pain meds and telling me to do things like giving up on ever driving again. They had clearly decided that I was done with any sort of functional life. At that point, I got down on my knees, crying, early one morning and asked for the strength to deal with what was happening and the guidance necessary to recover from my condition. Against all odds, I have gotten both. Immediately after asking/praying, as described above, I felt both the strength and guidance in my life and that continues today.
It is now, just over two years later. I have minimal or no pain and bite myself only occasionally and never as seriously as I used to. My jaw is now relaxed except when I eat or speak and I still have problems with speaking and eating but not like I did. For obvious reasons, my commitment to the power/source that did that is total. I also continue to spend several hours a day being with that power, which I choose to call God and continue to pursue my own healing.