Monday, July 22, 2019

Nightly Practice

It is now closing in on 1:00 A.M. and I have just finished a period being with and asking for guidance from God and my spirit "friends" in meditation. During meditation I envision being in the middle of a large earthen room surrounded by Jesus and other spirits, asking them to beam healing and guidance into me, and, in my turn, beaming the same energy to my surroundings, quite an experience. When it is my turn I send the incredibly loving feeling of being with God to Arlington National cemetery or one of the other cemeteries I have visited. I also remove any negative energies I encounter. This whole process is directed towards others but is very cleansing and healing for me, as well. That is the way love is.

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Connecting

I wrote yesterday of going "through my daily activities within a bubble of love" which is the way it feels to me but is also the energy field that surrounds me. Many people enjoy being around me apparently because of that energy field, some even referring to being near me as "Charlie time". There are also some people who do not want to be close to me because I will lovingly "probe" them and know things about them they would rather I didn’t. I can only probe people with their permission and would never violate them in any way. To me, probing others and allowing myself to be probed is part of connecting or the feeling of being with them.

Friday, July 19, 2019

The Kingdom

Due, in part, to carrying out daily practices such as outlined in my book, I go through my daily activities within a "bubble of love" and feel the presence of the divine all around me. If I cut back on those activities or become distracted by worldly events, I also lose or reduce my connection. I think of what I describe as feeling the presence of "the Kingdom of God" and, for me, maintenance of that feeling does require daily practice — a discipline well worth the effort. "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you."(from the gospel of Luke)

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Recovery

My recovery meeting today consisted of three females of various ages and me. It was a very good meeting for me. They were all new to recovery so they had not learned the recovery "lingo" yet and they were all extremely honest about the power alcohol had over them. The talk was raw, heartfelt and honest. A common theme for the meeting was that self-will and intellect were not enough to overcome addiction and that recovery required some sort of spiritual intervention or awakening. I spoke of my experience that self-will and knowledge was not enough for me — but I sure tried!

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Silence

Today was a day of silent worship, a day of listening for clarity and guidance. The day began with a formal hour of silent worship in the Quaker tradition and continued with various quiet activities including shopping, lunch, resting, meditating and working in the garden. I heard people comment about the chaos, hurt and anger in the world and knew that in the eternal sense "all was as it should be — all was well". "It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large." (Daniel A. Seeger)

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Limits

The theme at today’s recovery meeting was not allowing other people determine our own limits and capabilities by their opinions and words about us. During the meeting I kept reflecting on the fact that I had stumbled and fallen about a week ago — which sounds like a failure. The fact is that I was doing something that "a person in my condition" has no business doing. I was walking over rough terrain without my cane or trekking poles and lost my focus because someone interrupted me. To me, that is not failure since I was pushing myself beyond my limits, something I do all the time, and sometimes get consequences.

Monday, July 8, 2019

Reality

The subtitle of my book is to "be in the world but not of it", meaning to participate in worldly things but not to rely on them for any sense of long lasting fulfillment. I enjoy going to work and do my job lovingly and well, as my purpose in this incarnation. I do the same for other aspects of "money power and prestige", trying to add to the integrity of the universe. For a strong sense of reality and sense of fulfillment I turn to my divine, eternal connection. I look on them as different and valuable aspects of reality and balance the two.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Near-Death-Experience

When I had my Near-Death-Experience in 2006 I was told that "This is what it feels like to be dead", a powerful and all-encompassing feeling of unconditional love. It felt like being bathed in that feeling and that nothing else mattered. The pain and struggles of my physical existence vanished. It was a very cleansing feeling. I was given the option of "coming back" to be of service, an option I took because of that Love. Through that experience and my nightly contact I have learned to love everyone and everything.

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Over-thinking

Last night during meditation, while listening, I kept hearing that I thought about my issues way to much, that my thinking interfered with my progress and that I was better off just doing, not thinking. Lately I have been having some health concerns which are probably minor but I over-think them, creating anxiety for myself. There are other activities in my daily life that I simply "do" and have the faith that they will turn out. I do not over-think them. I take the action, feel gratitude that I have support and guidance and have confidence or faith in the outcome. Sounds simple, I should pay attention! "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words. It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning."

Monday, July 1, 2019

Listening

I feel more spiritually lost than usual since the Universe has provided me with several major challenges lately and I don’t know what is being asked of me. My response to the feeling of being lost is to meditate, get internally silent and listen — which is simple but not easy for me. When I try to quiet my brain my ego inserts all sorts of memories, beliefs and doubts. One of the concepts I keep hearing is "you don’t have to believe — just do it! "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with."(Sogyal Rinpoche)

Friday, June 28, 2019

Growth

Today, my birthday, I was acknowledged as being a gentle and loving man, which is true, though, as my wife and I pointed out, I still have periods of being a jerk. I used to be hurt, angry and very judgmental. I was self centered and considered myself to be superior to most people. I finally realized that I was hurting myself and began turning towards love and being loving as a way of life which felt better and was constructive, not destructive. "What deeper meaning did this paradox hold for him [Jung]? It was the revelation that not only might good be wrought from the darkness of the unformed abyss, the unconscious, but that part of the very energy of the evil urge in man, if one would but wrestle with it, as had Jacob with the angel, would yield its own peculiar blessing. So profoundly did he trust the darkness of the unconscious!"(John Yungblut)

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Forgiveness

The topic for today’s recovery meeting was "forgiving" and during the meeting, in the process of listening I reflected on the changes I had gone through in forgiving my father for the way he treated me as a child. My father carried a lot of anger which he expressed toward me in attitude and some physical abuse. I have come to realize that he was doing the best he could and that given similar circumstances I would have probably done the same. I realize that people who hurt others have been hurt themselves. I understand that I was a difficult child and that I provoked him, but also that there is no reason for an adult to hit a child. I finally got to the point that I simply loved and cherished him. The abuse became an unimportant memory. At that point forgiveness was not needed, just love and understanding.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Perception

Typically I have considered my reality to consist of two levels; the divine, loving, eternal level and the secular, mundane, temporal. Then today, in our book study group, I found myself saying that for me there was no longer the secular level and that it was all divine, loving and eternal, though sometimes very short-lived. Over the last few years I have put a lot of effort into perceiving the divine and eternal in things and that effort has evidently changed my view. An example from today was that while weeding the plantain out of my yard I was also feeling respect, admiration and honor for its survival capability. That plant is a remarkable and valuable part of the reality of that ecosystem. "When the will, in becoming aware of the satisfaction afforded by the object of sight, hearing or touch does not stop with this joy but immediately elevates itself to God, rejoicing in Him who motivates and gives strength to its joy, it is doing something very good. (St. John)

Friday, June 21, 2019

Balance

I just re-read my post of two days ago and realize that I have been focused for two days on finding that honest and humble balance between self-deprecation and believing in myself which I wrote about. I now feel balanced and have re-committed, confidently to my spiritual path. It took talking openly about that conflict and balance with my wife and at recovery meetings. I also wrote about it, meditated asked for guidance. "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Self-concept

I am struggling with my attempt at staying "right-sized" or balanced in such a way that I not hold myself back from being "all I can be" while also accepting any human fears and weaknesses. I fully realize that with God’s help and guidance I am much more than I was and can now do things that others think impossible. On the other hand I have underlying and long-standing difficulties with self-deprecation and even self-hatred which I picked up in my developmental years. The trick or balance for me is to allow both opposites to exist without holding the development of myself back in any way.

Monday, June 17, 2019

One-ness

Today I was having a lot of difficulty with muscle spasms and the associated pain which is a common problem with my disability. As part of my reducing the pain as much as possible I exercised while focusing on the feeling of one-ness with all that is and harmony. During my periods of meditation in addition to one-ness and harmony I focused acceptance of my condition. The result is far less pain though I am not done and need to keep it up.

Saturday, June 15, 2019

Practice

One of my practices is that as I go through my activities on any given day I make it a point to see and feel God’s Love and grace in everything, producing a huge amount of gratitude at all times. For example today I had a meeting with one of the people I work with and last night I was given guidance concerning what we would talk about and how to prepare. Today during that meeting when those events took place, I smiled, did what I was told and felt gratitude. "When the will, in becoming aware of the satisfaction afforded by the object of sight, hearing or touch does not stop with this joy but immediately elevates itself to God, rejoicing in Him who motivates and gives strength to its joy, it is doing something very good. (St. John of the Cross)

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

The Kingdom

I have found and live within what Jesus called The Kingdom and, as Jesus said, The Kingdom is present here and now, it is ever-present if we do what is necessary to access it. I live within what I call a bubble of love and witness everything and everyone through that lense, hard to see from where I came from. Seeing and feeling the divine in a beautiful sunset does not surprise me but seeing and feeling love and wonder while viewing a cockroach scurrying across the kitchen counter does. This manner of living provides joy beyond compare even with my pain and disability.

Sunday, June 9, 2019

Holistic Healing

I have been thinking about the relationship between me and my doctors lately since I am considering going to another neurologist in the hope that he or she can understand my position and, at least, track my symptoms, perhaps even make suggestions. The problem is that I have taken a spiritual/meditative approach to my problems and, between God and myself, have learned to moderate my symptoms in order to remain functional. My approach is outside of their training and they consider what I do to be impossible, given my diagnosis — so they conclude that my diagnosis must be wrong and that I am fooling myself, very frustrating. Their conclusions are not helpful to me. My PCP has at least seen a sample of what I do when my thyroid healed. He remains neutral and concludes nothing. I am not certain what I will do but it is helpful for me to realize that I am putting them on the spot.

Friday, June 7, 2019

Service

Today at a recovery meeting I talked about my very human fears and the fact that I deal with them in large part by getting up in the middle of the night to pray, meditate and be with God. I spoke of that as a magical time and tried to describe the wonderful feeling of God’s Love and power flowing through me. Rufus Jones describes the feeling well when he writes "At it’s best and truest, however, worship seems to me to be direct, vital, joyous, personal experience and practice of the presence of God." I also spoke with someone after the meeting about the middle of the night being a sacred time and suggested she make use of her own waking up to do something similar. I felt the power of being an "instrument". "God must have an instrument — an organ is perhaps a better word — for the revelation of His love and tenderness, just as his physical energies must have their coordinator and transmitter."

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Self-care

Today was a day of self-care, harmony and a continuation of the gratitude I wrote of two days ago. I spent the first few hours of the day doing exercise and some hands-on healing with my wife. While exercising I kept an attitude of gratitude and harmony with all that is, in order to promote smooth coordinated muscle movement, a problem with my disability. As a result my muscle activity was fairly smooth, though not like it was prior to my disability. I also went to a recovery meeting and interacted a bit with one of my mentees. After that I spent a couple of hours just relaxing and watching a movie. I need to spend time taking care of me in order to be of maximum service.

Monday, June 3, 2019

Gratitude

This morning, when doing the weekly shopping, I spoke briefly with a woman who inquired how I was with more than the normal sincerity. I responded that I was OK and still breathing. She laughed and said "Me to!!..... and it’s a beautiful day" which caused me to realize how grateful I was for the present moment. I had no pain and was able to drive and then do the shopping. Later in the day I was getting in my wife’s way while she was doing some repairs on our home and she commented that she would rather have me in the way than in my bed suffering, which used to be the case. Once again I felt gratitude for the present.

Sunday, June 2, 2019

Connection

Today, beginning and ending with my Higher Power (God) I had several meaningful and wonderful connections. Each had strong feelings of respect, love and honor. The first connection was with God during silent worship this morning followed by several human and one canine joining during the day. The last was another divine connection during meditation tonight. I cannot say that I actually depend on any other than the divine connections, but I certainly enjoy them. I am attached to my connection with God and depend on it to keep my head on straight each day.

Friday, May 31, 2019

Infused Prayer

I have enjoyed the comments and observations of Thomas Dubay, S. M. when he wrote of infused prayer that it involved an "Immersion in God [which] entails a being filled with Him, a divine inflowing". He also stated that depth of connection with the divine was a gift, not the result of individual’s practice, a view also held by the modern Quaker Thomas Kelly. In my experience that level of connection requires almost constant devotion, but is well worth the effort. It feels fulfilling and has changed my life.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Self-healing

At this point I have self healed many physical problems (malfunctioning heart valve, five cysts, one cancerous/pre-cancerous lesion, a lung problem, a prostate problem, an under-performing thyroid) and partially healed my disability. Having completely healed so many problems, I wonder why it is only partial with my disability. It could be that my disability is still useful in terms of being of service. It could also be that I am resisting healing. I can only stay open to all possibilities and continue to work on it.

Monday, May 27, 2019

Reality

My understanding is that current, day-to-day events are not illusory but temporal. The daily events each of us are involved in are very real but we do have more control of them than we generally think. For example, when I talk to the doctor about my various conditions I am told that what I do is impossible since it does not fall within the reality they learned in medical school. My challenge is to fully expand and develop my potential while staying within God’s Love and guidance. "Reality is only partly our invention; it is also partly our discovery. Our task is to discover how much and in what areas which is which; and then to determine how much new freedom this gives us and what we can do with it". (Lawrence LeShan)

Sunday, May 26, 2019

Eternity

I am not religious in any way, yet I feel great joy in conducting my everyday affaires within the presence of the Divine. I live and "walk" within the light, knowing that presence in everything and everyone. This position is often difficult for me since I view current events both from a temporal, worldly perspective and from an eternal, loving perspective as well. "To cast their distinction into contemporary terminology, we might say that in the transforming union the person perceives in his profound center a peaceful, gentle awareness that the Trinity is continually present....... A person is able to attend to the indwelling Trinity and yet carry on the ordinary business of daily life." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Saturday, May 25, 2019

Connection

Yesterday and again today I had lengthy and intense connections and interactions with others during which I could feel the presence of God or something. I could tell the interactions were important though I cannot say why. I found them to be exhilarating and exhausting. "For there to be a meeting, it seems as though a third, a something else, is always present. You may call it Love, or the Holy Spirit. Jungians would say that it is the presence of the Self. If this 'Other' is present, there cannot have failed to be a meeting." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Friday, May 24, 2019

Perspective

In a very temporal and worldly way I can view some of the current political trends as destructive to the earth and harmful to its inhabitants. If I am attached to this view I am alarmed by those trends. On the other hand I can sense that in an eternal way the earth and its inhabitants are in divine order and just fine, though some may die in the process. The latter view has a divine source and I feel it most strongly during my periods of prayer and meditation. I am better off not spending much time reading the paper or listening to the news. "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words......."It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning."

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Courage

In the words of the Joan Baez song from years ago, "I am less than the song I am singing, I am more than I thought I could be". I move through life touching people emotionally and spiritually, spreading love all the time. I am less than that, less than what I do but much more than I thought possible. I also keep encountering the fear of becoming "all I can be". I have been dealing with that fear for the last couple of days by feeling it (very unpleasant!) And resolving to go ahead anyway. I gather that is called courage — it feels like fear.

Sunday, May 19, 2019

Daily Life

I lead a disciplined life, not because of being fearful of the consequences of not doing so, but because of the joy, peace and freedom resulting from that discipline. As Thomas Dubay, S. M. writes "we might say that in the transforming union the person perceives in his profound center a peaceful, gentle awareness that the Trinity [Love and harmony with all things] is continually present." He goes on to point out that "A person is able to attend to the indwelling Trinity and yet carry on the ordinary business of daily life." I can do that as long as I do not believe that the "ordinary business has much importance.

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Practicw

Today at my recovery meeting I encountered people who basically said, "I want what you have", meaning they desired to have a recovery of the same quality as mine. Their comments were very flattering and I kept thinking, "yes but will you do what I do", meaning things like going to several meetings a week, setting aside an hour or more of prayer and meditation every day, mentoring several people and eliminating distractions from my life. I do these things in order to enjoy their "fruits".

Friday, May 17, 2019

Presence

When I awoke the past two mornings, after nights with far to little sleep, I went outside for my dawn ceremony and could feel the presence and abundance of life and love especially strongly. The birds were singing with the beginning of a new day and all the plants were in the midst of spring growth, a glorious time to be present for. "The God of my childhood has given way to the God of my womanhood [adulthood], a God of many names----Allah, Shiva, Great Spirit, Lord Krishna, Lord Buddha, Yahweh. This is the God who is present in the tiniest acorn and the vastest ocean." (Valerie Brown)

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

God,s Love

Tonight I have been reminded that God’s Love is Absolute and Unconditional. I also realize that I can strive for that and do my best, but that I do not truly understand what that means since I am human, not God. By Absolute I mean that it is always present, regardless of the circumstances. For me, I sometimes get so involved in the "storms" of life that I forget love, at least momentarily. By Unconditional I just mean that the Love is there no matter what I think, do or say, very pure and powerful. I can approach that but, so far, I tend to run into self-generated qualifications. It’s good to be alive!

Monday, May 13, 2019

My Approach

It is easiest to view the current president and his administration with hurt, fear and anger, leading to thoughts of protest, opposition and anticipation of future calamities, all of which may be part of our future. It is also possible to view the current administration with love and faith, part of the "gradual shift in the direction of love", I wrote of yesterday. The calamities may be the same but the eventual outcome would be different. I keep spreading and acting out of love in the desire to move in that direction. My approach "increases the integrity of the universe" and feeds the love seed rather than the fear and anger seed. We shall see!

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Change

I look around me or read the paper and note that as a species many of us are destroying the planet on which we depend, killing our brothers and sisters and often reacting to conditions out of hurt, fear and anger. I also witness many acts of loving kindness, though they get less media attention. I note a gradual shift in the direction of love, slower but much the same as the shift I have been through. In my younger years I was self destructive and am now part of the "divine solution". "When one is anchored deeply in the divine solution to all problems, outer turmoil cannot disturb the inner tranquility. It is a peace that surpasses all understanding." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Love

I cannot say with any certainty that, if they put in the effort, other people would generally be capable of the level of self-healing I wrote of yesterday. I can say with confidence that we are all capable of more than we think, if we are willing to put in the effort to develop and use the power of love within us. Developing and nurturing that God or Love "seed" within each of us does take effort and focus. There is a very constructive, positive and loving source of power within each of us which many have experienced or seen. We can develop and use that power. I find that living within that power leads to a fulfilling and enjoyable life.

Friday, May 10, 2019

Holistic Healing

Many years ago I went to a cardiologist who had me use a stethoscope to listen to the back-flow of blood through one of my heart valves and he also showed me the malfunction using a sonogram. Having seen the problem using my intent and hands I directed healing Love or God energy into the area, trusting that my body would know what to do, how to heal the problem. It did and the malfunction disappeared. More recently, when I speak of this to doctors they assume I was miss diagnosed since that explanation fits within their thinking. I have now gone through a similar sequence of events with five cysts, one cancerous/pre-cancerous lesion, a lung problem, a prostate problem, an underperforming thyroid and my disability. All were apparently miss diagnosed. I continue to use the same techniques and am impressed by the power of love and the mind-body connection.

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Harmony

I keep looking at and feeling the world around me, sensing the divine harmony in it all and wondering how I can add to that. The feeling of harmony and :rightness" applies to many things from cooking or working in my garden to reading about problems in the paper. The feeling "surpasses all understanding’ or at least mine. At the same time the feeling of harmony is undeniable. As St. John of the Cross commented "He should learn to remain in God’s presence with a loving attention and a tranquil intellect", even though this seems like idleness to him. Soon he will find little by little that a "divine calm and peace with a wondrous, sublime knowledge of God, enveloped in divine love, will be infused into his soul".

Monday, May 6, 2019

Gratitude

I began the day with ten minutes of cardiac exercising on my stationary bike, the only exercise where I can get my heart rate up to 130 or higher. Ten minutes is all my muscles will do for me. I then did the weekly shopping followed by my main activity of the day, which was mowing the front lawn. The mowing took about two hours and I rested for a while when I was half way through. For the average person the same amount of mowing takes fifteen minute, which amazes me. I also did some weeding, planting, meditating and cooking. All of today’s activities were ordinary and it is not possible for me to express how grateful I am to be able to do them. I know many people who cannot and there have been several times in my life when I could not.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Acceptance

This morning at my recovery meeting I assisted in the opening by doing some of the initial reading since the meeting was only four of us. Later the secretary asked me if I had been OK with reading and I commented that speaking was difficult for me but when the meeting was small, I read. The fact is that almost everything in my life is difficult, a fact I need to accept if I wish to remain peaceful. I need not like it (I don’t!) but if I accept the difficulty a sense of peace is possible. On the other hand I can fight my condition which accomplishes nothing other than anxiety and frustration.

Friday, May 3, 2019

Holistic Healing

Right now I am dealing with the fact that my bubble of unconditional love impacts on my health and healing. Two days ago I wrote of living within that bubble and that it changed my reality. I use the power of love to maintain my health and promote healing when needed, with results that are sometimes miraculous. A disconnect and problem results since many, perhaps most, MDs are not taught about that power so that when I talk to them about it or they witness it, they do not understand. I need to speak my truth, regardless.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Perspective

I live and operate within a bubble of love through which I view and interact with the world at large, meaning I tend to interact with my world through a filter of unconditional love. That bubble is also flexible and permeable allowing me to view and understand other people without injecting much of my own bias. My approach is largely spiritual and quite different from the rigid, intellectual and judgmental bubble I used to have. "Reality is only partly our invention; it is also partly our discovery. Our task is to discover how much and in what areas which is which; and then to determine how much new freedom this gives us and what we can do with it". (Lawrence LeShan)

Sunday, April 28, 2019

Connection

We had a meeting of our book study group today, something I always enjoy due to the fact that we are all like minded in our pursuit of a closer connection and understanding of God. Some are Christian, some of them are not. All of them are either Quaker or, like my wife and myself, attenders at Quaker meeting. I believe all of them have had some sort of mystical experience, though none spend as much time and energy in their pursuit as I do. I commented today that many people admired my connection and the guidance stemming from that connection, but would not devote the time needed, a situation that seemed fine — even perfect in God’s eyes. "One by one we move beyond conceptions of ourselves, just as we pass beyond metaphors, symbols, and conceptions of God on the way into unmediated, unknowing, intimate relationship with the source of our being." (Patricia Loring)

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Listening

Sometimes I "know things I couldn’t possibly know and see things I couldn’t possibly see" which has gotten me in trouble before but can also be very useful. The ability could be called intuition, psychic ability, magic or just empathy but it has made some people angry and uncomfortable. As a result they have lashed out at me. Today I noted that I was using the same ability while working as a mentor, guide or therapist with someone. I could actually feel and know what they were describing about themselves and then help them in their own integration and understanding. The ability was part of my listening.

Friday, April 26, 2019

War?

When I was a sophomore in high school I wrote a short story called "Only Children Play" in which the children were playing a competitive game which escalated to the point that one of the kids got his father’s gun and shot one of the other children. I see much the same thing going on in the world all around me. They are children needing love, guidance and boundaries. The trick as I see it, is how to love and support them while also constraining them to prevent them from hurting anyone. ".... We shall never succeed in stopping war until we have a human society permeated with persons who practice a way of life which removes and abolishes the grounds and occasions of war, and at the same time matures and ripens a spirit of mutual understanding and personal cooperation." (Rufus Jones)

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Focus

As a typical greeting, just before my recovery meeting today the secretary inquired how I was doing to which I responded "very well". I then explained that my body was a wreck, that I was usually in some degree of pain and that my life was wonderful, so she could take her choice. As I explained at that time, "it’s a matter of focus". Over the years I have trained myself to focus on my wonderful life while the other conditions are certainly present and I can focus on them any time I want. My choice of focus does nothing to change reality but it does change the way I feel.

Monday, April 22, 2019

Simplicity

In my readings I encounter other authors who make a big deal over the worldly things they have had to give up in order to follow and adhere to their spiritual path. They write of a sense of hardship at not participating in those worldly things. I also choose to have a very simple life, avoiding many of the common distractions like fancy cars, expensive possessions, I-phones, social media outlets and sweet caffeinated drinks. I choose a simple life which does not interfere with my peace and joy. To me it is an obvious and easy choice — I do continue to enjoy the occasional cheeseburger or chocolate, just not often.

Sunday, April 21, 2019

Spiritual Path

I am impressed by the apparent fact that, in my case, a strong spiritual connection requires constant maintenance and in this way my spiritual condition is very much like one of my gardens. Today, while tending my gardens I was amazed by how quickly the weeds take over and entropy sets in. Just as quickly I can become distracted by daily events or skip some of my daily practices, allowing my spiritual connection to slip away. My readings suggest the same is true for others as well. So far I have successfully avoided experiencing "dry" spiritual periods and I hope to continue!

Saturday, April 20, 2019

Discipline

Today I was reading some accounts of the spiritual journeys of other people and was struck by the fact that such journeys require effort and time. That has certainly been true in my case. My journey and the connection I have experienced cause me great peace and joy but it has required effort, focus and discipline. I encourage others to do the same but to date, few have exerted the necessary effort. "We want to be spiritually alive, but also to be comfortable; to be prayerful, but not to rise early in the morning to pray; to possess power to lead, but not to undergo the discipline that it takes to control the power." (Kilpack)

Friday, April 19, 2019

Divine Harmony

Today I have been made more aware of the importance of my ability to sense the divine harmony and love in everything within my environment. I find this discipline to be physically healing as well as emotionally and spiritually fulfilling. Sensing the love and harmony is relatively easy when I witness some interaction between a young mother with her child. It is harder to sense but just as present when I see a cockroach scurry across the living room floor. The cockroach is a wondrously perfect example of survival and thriving within situations where humans try to eliminate it. "When the will, in becoming aware of the satisfaction afforded by the object of sight, hearing or touch does not stop with this joy but immediately elevates itself to God, rejoicing in Him who motivates and gives strength to its joy, it is doing something very good. (St. John of the Cross)

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Gifts

For the last couple of days I have been meditating about and processing a dream which tells me that I have unique and special abilities, gifts from God which carry responsibilities with them. The main responsibility right now is simply to look at the evidence of my life objectively and admit the gifts which are unique to me. One of the main gifts is my ability to transmit (beam?) God’s love through my hands, a gift which I have used in hands on healing and to help other people feel God’s Love. Another gift is my ability to work with spirits, a skill I am still developing. I find it hard to look at myself objectively and admit my own uniqueness.

Monday, April 15, 2019

Perspective

I strive to live by what I call the "Rainmaker Ideal"; to love, allow and cherish all aspects of myself and others. I do this in order to be of maximum service. It is a perspective that requires humility, ego deflation and constant introspection. I get this approach from the writings of Irene Claremont deCastillejo, who described it well; "In those rare moments when all the opposites meet within a man, good and also evil, light and also darkness, spirit and also body, brain and also heart, masculine focused consciousness and at the same time feminine diffuse awareness, wisdom of maturity and childlike wonder; when all are allowed and none displaces any other in the mind of a man, then that man, though he may utter no word is in an attitude of prayer. Whether he knows it or not his own receptive allowing will affect all those around him; rain will fall on the parched fields, and tears will turn bitter grief to flowering sorrow, while stricken children dry their eyes and laugh."

Saturday, April 13, 2019

Love

Today, in addition to the regular activities of a recovery meeting, weeding and exercising, Maria and I went to visit our niece and nephew and their new baby. The baby was, of course, adorable and just learning to walk. What was remarkable to me was the amount of love we were all expressing toward the baby and that she was beaming back at us. That love obviously promotes the growth and well being of all. The love was a marked contrast to what I saw through the families I worked with in Catholic Services or what I personally grew up with. The love was wonderful to experience.

Friday, April 12, 2019

Humanity

For the last several entries in this blog I have described some of the considerable effort I go to in order to maintain my health, sense of well being and spiritual connection and, in addition, I find myself mildly irritated by people who would like the same benefits but will not put in the effort. The reason I am irritated is that I also wish I did not have to put in so much effort. Having done so I can say that the results are well worth the effort so I will continue. But it is notable that the thoughts are still there! "We want to be spiritually alive, but also to be comfortable; to be prayerful, but not to rise early in the morning to pray; to possess power to lead, but not to undergo the discipline that it takes to control the power." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Holistic Healing

In order to remain functional and mentally at my best I exercise most days in spite of the lack of coordination and pains associated with my disability. I do some exercise six days a week and a full range on three or four of those days. The full range consists of an exercise bike, free weights, calisthenics and a treadmill and takes two to three hours. Minor muscle and joint pain results from the muscles not working smoothly together (like they used to!). If I do not exercise the pain quickly gets worse. While exercising I focus my thoughts on harmony, love and gratitude. It is a lot of effort but it works for me.

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Practice

I lead a life of compassion, love and service which is modeled after what I understand of Christ, yet many would not consider me to be Christian since I do not accept Christ as my one and only savior who can and does forgive me for my sins. I am also not Quaker though I do attend Quaker meetings since I benefit from the silent worship I find there. It seems to be important that I have no religious or spiritual affiliation. Having no affiliation is important for me since I can listen during meditation with minimal bias. Having no affiliation is also important since it shows that the membership is not important but the compassion, love and service is. I am Charlie and my devotion is total.

Sunday, April 7, 2019

Being Present

What a glorious day! It was a beautiful spring day and I attended a recovery gathering of several hundred people, which took me out of my comfort zone of avoiding crowds. At the closing of the meeting everyone moved to form a line around the perimeter of the large room we were in. As usual I moved very slowly and people gently nudged me out of the way and kept going around me joining the line and holding hands. One young man noticed that I was having a difficult time and was being excluded so he made it a point to break the chain and make room for me. A bit later the same young man held a heavy spring loaded door open for me and inquired if I was alright. I thanked him for noticing me.

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Connection

I had another day with multiple, intense, loving connections, some therapeutic and some more casual and incidental. As Irene Claremont deCastillejo wrote "For there to be a meeting, it seems as though a third, a something else, is always present. You may call it Love, or the Holy Spirit. Jungians would say that it is the presence of the Self. If this 'Other' is present, there cannot have failed to be a meeting." The actual circumstances of the meeting do not seem to matter when there is love present. It amazes me how much healing can take place in a short time when that sort of connection is made. "Great deeds can only be achieved when we are more than our little selves. When we are lent wings we should not reject them." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Friday, April 5, 2019

Death

Today I was able to talk with someone about the glorious process of death and dying. She had the privilege of helping someone else die, a sacred activity. I was able to speak of the fact that the transition of death was a very special part of life. We also spoke of the human feeling of loss, the eternal and temporal. It was a good conversation and reminder. "The pure in heart know that when the Kingdom of the Spirit is seen in all its beauty and desired with a single will, then order is brought out of confusion."(Gilbert Kilpack)

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

God's Will

My writings in this blog are a good example of the manner in which I follow God’s will in my life. What I do each night before writing is to sift through the events of my day, in meditation, and select the topics that stands out as the correct one for me to contemplate and write about. I do much the same process all day to decide my chosen path or "the next right thing". Using this technique I end up doing what is best for me and following God’s will for me. As I have told my spouse "I always do what I am told". "God must have an instrument — an organ is perhaps a better word — for the revelation of His love and tenderness, just as his physical energies must have their coordinator and transmitter." (Rufus Jones)

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Gratitude

I just feel grateful for my life as it is, having gone to a recovery meeting and listened to the difficulties of several newcomers and a couple of people who have been around a while. Right now my life is floating along smoothly but I spoke briefly of struggling with various commonly used psychoactive substances, like coffee and cigarettes, and my addictive tendencies. I eventually gave them up in addition to alcohol   The newcomers were all dealing with basic early recovery issues and the regulars were dealing with life’s little speed bumps. I am grateful for life going smoothly right now – it could be a lot worse.

Monday, April 1, 2019

Growth

Two days ago I wrote about my own ego struggles with "the bondage of self" which I did in order to demonstrate that I have all of the normal self-centered weaknesses, frailties and tendencies. I am aware of my human weaknesses but laugh at and/or ignore them rather than giving in and then I do the loving, other-directed thing anyways. Moving beyond the weaknesses requires some discipline — but gets easier every time I do it. "One by one we move beyond conceptions of ourselves, just as we pass beyond metaphors, symbols, and conceptions of God on the way into unmediated, unknowing, intimate relationship with the source of our being." (Patricia Loring)

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Self-interest

As a part of my nighttime devotional I always pray that I may be "relieved of the bondage of self". I include this sentiment since no matter what service which I ask for or imagine there is always a part of me that thinks and hopes that I might benefit in some way, usually some type of money, power or prestige. When I am actually performing the service rather than just thinking about it I am totally focused on that service. Not when I am just thinking about it! I must confess I wish those thoughts were not there — but they are.

Friday, March 29, 2019

Focus

I lost my focus, stumbled and fell while walking from the parking area to my recovery meeting today. Actually I lost my focus and twisted my body to look at something at the same time, a bad combination. One of the gifts (curses?) of my disability is my need to focus on whatever it is that I am doing, a zen thing. If I can maintain my focus and concentration, I move slowly but relatively well. I look on this as a gift since the need keeps my attention on the present moment.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Ministry

In the middle of every night when I get up one of my main activities is to join with God, fill myself with the powerful feeling of God’s Love and broadcast that feeling through my hands to the area around me and as far as it will go. The feeling of joining with God and then broadcasting Love has gotten stronger over time and now has become almost automatic makes my hands pulsate and my wrists ache. I usually visualize sending that Love to a tent above the graveyards and spirits I have visited. I have a strong feeling that this action will get stronger and that it will be necessary, though I do not really understand more than that, but then I do not need to. "The fruits of the Spirit [tests if leadings are divine in origin] have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’" (Galatians 5:23)

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Being

I am very aware that I am different from most people. I have no interest in sports or other common distractions and little interest in politics, preferring instead silent contemplation and meditation. Even as a child I recall trying and failing to be interested in the pass times my peers liked such as sports, stamps, coins or games. I did enjoy walking alone through woods and fields. At the present time I find myself enjoying who I am and also wishing that I fit in better! The highlight of my day is getting up in the middle of the night to pray, meditate and be with God. "Only a few achieve the colossal task of holding together, without being split asunder, the clarity of their vision alongside an ability to take their place in a materialistic world." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo).

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Listening

Today during our book study meeting I spoke at length about the joys I experience nightly during my meditation and conscious contact with God, the joys I described in my last two entries. I was selfishly disturbed and saddened that the ten or so other people there did not listen to my words and praise me for speaking the truth. They did listen attentively but were primarily restricted by their own beliefs rather than immediately changing their minds and thanking me — pretty silly on my part. I have since recalled how difficult it was for me to really listen to alternative points of view and being stuck within my own beliefs. I could not and would not "listen attentively". Listening was a challenge for me and I am now more open (I think).

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Growth

Because of the absolute and unconditional nature of God’s Love I strive to grow in the direction of greater harmony with All-That-Is and to halt anything that impedes that growth. I choose this growth not because I am being judged or graded by some entity but because I value that Love and wish to align with it. The alignment I seek can and does look like a sacrifice on my part but it is simply my choice. As much as possible, I attempt to carry this Love with me and apply it to the people I contact. I should confess that I often fail in my attempts to carry that Love, finding that I judge others.

Friday, March 22, 2019

Perfection

I find truth in the divine sense of perfection while also finding it hard to grasp since it is very different from the human concept. When I am with God I know that I am perfect as I am and that part of that perfection includes what the human part of me considers to be my imperfections, similar to the way a mother looks at a newborn. I also realize that this perfection includes the beauty of luna moths, eagles and springtime, as well as the wonders of cockroaches, bacteria and mosquitoes. The concept also causes me to strive for greater harmony with All That Is. The divine concept gives me a greater sense of peace and results in lessening my stress.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Growth

Two days ago I wrote of my internal struggle to overcome my own fears which are hangovers from past lives. I want to overcome those fears in order that I might become "all I can be". I just do not know what that is! I need to remember that if I stay loving and humble, with God’s help I can become "more powerful than I can imagine" (Williamson). The help is readily available, the rest is up to me to ask, listen and act. "If you can rise above the fear in your life and live the love within you, and if I can rise above my fear and live the love in me-----if that drama is reenacted enough times by enough of the world’s people-----then we will pierce the cosmic darkness and tip the world in the direction of light." (Williamson)

Monday, March 18, 2019

Holistic Healing

Yesterday afternoon, evening and into the first part of the night I had a very bad headache and was feeling agitated since my salt/water balance was off. That was why I wrote nothing last night. Today I meditated for several hours and asked if there was anything emotional or spiritual causing the problems I had. I immediately started reflecting on past lives which I dismissed as meaningless, idle fantasy at first. I then realized that my difficulties were, in part, a PTSD episode based on my experiences in past lives. During the last several days I had been doing several things like healing a suspicious, spontaneous sore on my arm, communicating with spirits and listening "beyond the words" with people. All activities which had resulted in my death and/or persecution during those past lives. My past experiences resulted in a present belief that "I would be punished". In the future I will reassure myself that I am safe.

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Connection

Today I had a very strong, enjoyable and exhausting connection with someone new to my arena and I did indeed feel "more than my little self".   During the connection I felt the Presence of something else in addition to the other person, who I was present with. I did not notice any exhaustion until later. My role was to listen and be present. "Great deeds can only be achieved when we are more than our little selves. When we are lent wings we should not reject them." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Friday, March 15, 2019

God's Love

It is impossible for me to convey in words how much it means to me to have God’s Absolute and Unconditional acceptance, to feel and live within that degree of Love and know that I am perfect within my imperfection. For me, when I meditate and feel that feeling my disability, chronic pain and worldly stressors just fall away — they do not exist there. I am motivated to perform at my best, often beyond what I thought possible. "Great deeds can only be achieved when we are more than our little selves. When we are lent wings we should not reject them." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Perfection

Tonight and in past days I have been meditating and contemplating on the idea of perfection which, I have come to understand, is very different from a human versus God’s perspective. The human view is that in order to be perfect on must always perform without falling short of some pre-determined ideal, a view that is often harmful and stress producing. God’s view, which is communicated by feelings to which I ascribe words, is that perfection is closer to harmony and that we are all perfect all of the time, a view that is supportive and encourages being. God’s view is Absolute and Unconditional so that a person could be ten or ninety percent in harmony with All-That-Is and still be perfect. I know the feeling and I need not understand how that works. That concept is never harmful and motivates me to perform at my maximum.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Vibrancy of Spring

Yesterday we (mostly Maria, I watched and made comments) put up a bluebird house and today it was being checked out by a male bluebird. If he approves he will show it to a female and she will have final say. The plants in the gardens are getting ready to bloom. Buds on bushes and trees are swelling and getting ready to burst forth. According to the plants and animals spring is here and it feels wonderful. According to the Thomas gospel, Jesus says that this primordial light not only brought the entire universe into being but still shines through everything we see and touch.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

My Role

I model my life according to what I know of Christ, yet some people would not consider me Christian and I attend Quaker meetings yet I am not a Quaker. I consider such exclusivity to be a silly part of humanity — not of God — OK for many, but not me. God’s Love is Absolute and Unconditional without any such artificial requirements or conditions. I Love and honor God and God does the same for me and others. I do enjoy the silent worship of Quaker meetings and I identify with much of the mystical tradition of the Friends. I am Charlie and I spread Love as much as I can.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Empathy

In contrast to yesterday, today was a good day. I went to a recovery meeting, watched a movie, talked to a person I work with, exercised, meditated and napped, a good balance of activities. As an energetic empath I have to be careful about taking on and being affected by the negative energy of others, staying clear about what is mine and theirs. If I start feeling bad for no reason, it helps me let the feeling go when I say to myself "this is not mine". Having done that yesterday, today I felt clear and positive.

Friday, March 8, 2019

Rough Day

Today was a rough day for me. I woke up as a "creaky old man" (aches and pains with difficulty moving around) which improved for a while and then worsened until I was completely debilitated this afternoon and finally began to improve this evening. Physically I needed to take on salt and water in order to restore my salt/water/fluid balance. I also meditated to find out if there was anything emotional or spiritual going on and I realized that I had been empathically taking on some negative energy from the spirits and living humans I contact. I needed to focus on encapsulating that energy in love and then releasing it "like a fart", very cleansing. Now I think it’s time for bed.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Connection

Tonight during my meditation and feeling the strength, power and Love of that connection I was acknowledging both how good and vital the contact was and also how fragile it was. Part of my humanity is that I often wish for more "money, power or prestige", yet I am also aware that if I had more worldly success I would tend to get lost in it and loose or reduce my connection. For example, to date my book has sold around a hundred copies and I fantasize about it being more successful, while realizing that even thinking about more success challenges me. So, my connection is strong but it is also fragile.

Monday, March 4, 2019

Ministry

For some reason, which is not clear to me, the spirits at and around the Friend’s meeting house in Sandy Spring, MD are pivotal to my work with spirits. What I do with the spirits I encounter is to radiate Love and dispel their negative thoughts and feelings. I then suggest they influence the living by doing the same thing, energetically. My plan is to shift the energetic balance from the negative, anger and hurt into a more loving direction. The spirits around Sandy Spring are leaders in the process and they inform me that the work is having an impact.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Holistic Healing

Today I was with someone who had fallen and could not get up. In response my subconscious automatically went into healing mode and I could feel the healing energy being drawn out of me and sent to her. She then got up with the aide of a chair. I usually generate and channel a healing energy based on love and God which I then direct through my hands to whatever needs healing. In this case the healing was done without thought or intent on my part, It felt like I was a merely a tool in the process. Understanding is not required!

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Spiritual Growth

My intuitive sense is that it is now time for me to expand what I do, say and believe as far as spiritual matters. I am doing that by going past my intellect which deals with logic, reason and knowledge, very limiting and limited. I then venture, largely through meditation, into the realm of simple knowing and intuition using my listening skills and allowing myself to feel lost which sounds simple but it is certainly not easy. I have to shut down my intellect in order to proceed. "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words. It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning." (Daniel A. Seeger)

Friday, March 1, 2019

My Role

I understand that anyone and everyone can feel and live within God’s kingdom, the feeling of Love, power, peace and presence, to the degree that they commit themselves to being in it. In my case I spend time each day in worship and am consciously aware of the kingdom 24/7. Most people do not have that level of commitment, which seems to be OK (though not in my case). I encounter many people who admire my commitment and the results — but are also unwilling to commit themselves to that degree. I will do everything I can to help them feel and live within the Love regardless. I gather that is my role.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Distraction

Tonight I was doing my "daily devotion" as described yesterday and focusing on the positive or loving aspects of the grief process when I got distracted and temporarily lost my connection. I am struck by how easy it is to become distracted. I could feel the Loving presence and strong connection as I recalled the deep, loving, sadness I felt after various losses in my life and a recognition of their eternal nature. It felt sad but in a very positive, forward moving way. Then I turned on my computer and began looking at some current events with the result that my connection evaporated — temporarily. Distraction is very easy to do!

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Practice

As a part of my "daily devotion", I get out of bed around midnight for a period of prayer and meditation during which I spend about an hour broadcasting the power and healing love I believe originates with God. In addition to broadcasting, I turn that feeling on myself for my own health and healing. Tonight, while doing that, I also turned that feeling toward the spirits around me who received it like an energetic spiritual cleansing shower. In sending that feeling out into the night around me I believe it has a positive impact on the universe.

Monday, February 25, 2019

Abiding

The topic for our reading group which met yesterday was abiding or living within God’s love. Most of the members had experienced the feeling of living within God’s love for a period of time and then stopped doing the necessary footwork to maintain the connection. One woman when speaking of a time when she felt the presence of God commented that "unfortunately the connection required daily devotion". I suspect she was correct though I have not risked finding out. Personally I benefit greatly from abiding and hope I will not stop. "A mystical touch is a deep, intimate contact-union-experience of God in one of His attributes such as power, light, goodness, beauty, or joy." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Love

My understanding of love has certainly evolved over time beginning with what I now call "country song" love and ending with my understanding of God’s Love. When I was much younger love meant a deep longing for the other person, a feeling that I now realize was dependency which put pressure on the other person and that it tended to result in emotional pain. Then love meant always wanting "sunshine and roses" for the other person which was unrealistic and hollow. Finally the Love I have learned from God is to devote myself to everyone’s mental and spiritual growth, especially people close to me. I find this to be a deeply fulfilling experience for everyone which recognizes and respects their need to work through and overcome the challenges of life, including unpleasant feelings.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Abiding

My method of abiding in God and God’s Love is to continually ask for guidance, act on that guidance and be grateful. In my process of abiding it has become clear to me that I do not understand God and that abiding is not as simple as I thought. The guidance I receive is not always what I would expect. For example, I asked for guidance while responding to one of the people I mentor who was having some emotional pain. I was planning to attempt to alleviate his pain but was told to "leave it alone", because his working through the pain himself would result in growth and out of respect and love for him. I did what I was told and the result was him getting emotionally much stronger and the pain passed quickly. God apparently Loved him enough to let him have his own pain and process.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Listening

When I was a boy I learned that in the process of exploring the contents along the bottom of a stream, I could lift a rock and allow the disturbed mud to flow away and clear until I got a clear view of what was there. For me, the process of listening is very much like allowing the mud to clear so I can arrive at a clear understanding. In this case the "mud" consists of my previous ideas, biases and prejudices which obscure my view. During my exploration of the unseen realm of spirits it has become clear to me that I do not understand and I am allowing previous ideas to muddy the water. In order to really hear and understand I need to be an open vessel, having let go of all previous ideas — I’m not there yet. "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with." (Sogyal Rinpoche)

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Self-care

  Today I practiced self-care and just being, meaning I did very little and took care of Charlie. It used to be that my feelings of self-worth depended on my accomplishments, an attitude that I learned as a child in a very conditional home. That feeling has been replaced with loving myself unconditionally and for just being me. With the help of God and the people I choose around me I have re-parented myself. It snowed today so I did not even try to go out and one of my wonderful neighbors cleared the snow Off of my sidewalk and parking pad.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Doing

Today I got lost in doing, accomplishment, and in fact I did accomplish doing some tasks but I did not take time to just relax, meditate and be present. I performed normal tasks like exercise, shopping and cooking but rather than taking time to relax and meditate during the day, I chose the direction of accomplishing more — it was an easy choice to make. I paid the price of getting tired, irritable and feeling off center. Sigh!

Monday, February 18, 2019

Joy

Yesterday I wrote of feeling lost and I must admit to feeling lost, impatient and fearful much of the time with joy always there around the corner to be felt any time I get reminded. For example today was a day of performing household duties like shopping and cooking while feeling groundless and impatient to feel something more concrete. I had periodic flashes of joy at seeing the young mothers with their small children or the gratitude for being able to cook. Throughout the day I listened and meditated. "We want to be spiritually alive, but also to be comfortable; to be prayerful, but not to rise early in the morning to pray; to possess power to lead, but not to undergo the discipline that it takes to control the power." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Spiritual Journey

This evening I was re-reading the story of "Jumping Mouse" a Cheyenne teaching story which I identify strongly with. In the story Jumping Mouse goes on a quest to be in the sacred mountains and reach the sacred lake. During his quest he encounters several entities that tell him he is insane to continue and he travels past several temptations to stop. Jumping Mouse is lost and scared much of the time and gets encouragement and guidance from several other animals along his path. He also makes sacrifices along the way but ultimately triumphs by becoming an eagle. And as the Neal Diamond song says "except for the names and a few other changes, my stories the same one". Right now I am feeling lost and listening for guidance while moving forward — such is a spiritual journey.

Saturday, February 16, 2019

God's Love

This afternoon Maria and I returned to visit the spirits in the same local graveyard I mention on the 9th. During the visit we both felt a very powerful feeling of God’s love and I kept thinking of the words I heard when I had my Near-Death-Experience; "this is what it feels like to be dead". As happened within my N.D.E., I could think of nothing but that feeling — it was that intense. Those spirits exist within that feeling which affects and dominates the way they sense reality and I cannot say that I understand more specifically than that. I am reminded of the situation with Jesus Christ where that feeling dominated his life and determined everything he did and said. I understand that feeling is available to us all.

Friday, February 15, 2019

Divine Order

For the last couple of days I have felt strongly that everything around me is in divine order and that I am a part of that order. Nothing particularly monumental has happened but I found myself doing my regular periods of meditation and repeatedly blessing "everything and everybody", which felt very good. As usual I have connected with several people that I mentor. I just feel very loving and in harmony with all that is, a good feeling. This afternoon I discovered a Carolina Wren stuck in one of our gutter drainpipes and Maria freed it. Go in peace little bird!

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Change

For today "the courage to change the things I can" has been on my mind since I keep running into that issue, both for myself and those I mentor. Finding that courage requires a great deal of faith and self-love, but it still is not easy and it does not feel good. For myself I have made a number of internal and external changes over the years and found the necessary courage. That courage felt like fear but making the change anyway. In order to make the change I had to overcome and discard the part of myself that no longer served me and also have the faith that something would take its place. "To become a person one must both affirm and deny himself. One involves the other." (Rufus Jones)

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Love

In my experience love is other-directed, very fulfilling and long term or even eternal, while individual ego/self-will is pleasing, self-directed and extremely short lived, needing frequent renewal. The latter is frequently supported by our culture; e.g. keep buying newer, bigger and more expensive cars. Having spent several years trying to satisfy my ego, I now prefer and promote love, which gives me much joy and long term fulfillment. Switching from short-term to long term gratification proves to be a difficult step to take but well worth the effort.

Monday, February 11, 2019

Oneness

Today I felt a strong sense of oneness with All-that-is which began last night with my blessing everything, then during my exercise, shopping, blessings at meals and periods of meditation during the day. It was a feeling of being in harmony with life. I am grateful for the feeling and knowing the reality of it, quite a gift. "When the will, in becoming aware of the satisfaction afforded by the object of sight, hearing or touch does not stop with this joy but immediately elevates itself to God, rejoicing in Him who motivates and gives strength to its joy, it is doing something very good. (St. John of the Cross)

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Reality

Way back in time to when I was studying for my Ph.D. in animal behavior, around 1976-7, I was just becoming conscious of the fact that there was more to reality than I was aware of. In those days I was following the leaders in the field. Then, more recently, with my own healing through energy work and published scientific discoveries in quantum physics I became more aware of what I did not know and began using what I learned. I am now exploring, haltingly, the unseen realm(s), which I certainly do not understand. Life is strange! "Reality is only partly our invention; it is also partly our discovery. Our task is to discover how much and in what areas which is which; and then to determine how much new freedom this gives us and what we can do with it". (Lawrence LeShan)

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Spirits

We went to visit the spirits around another local graveyard today. This particular location used to be bucolic and relatively idyllic but today is located near heavy traffic. When we got there I settled on a bench and it took a few minutes to focus and center myself and prepare for spirit communication. My focus consisted of connecting with my God/love part and the Absolute or God, in order to identify myself spiritually. After I did I could sense a youngish "male" sitting next to me on the bench and him wanting me to go with him back in time, which I did partially but did not know it until I "came back". I believe we went back to a warmer spring day around 1937 when the surrounding area was farmland and quite beautiful. We then joined with other spirits for a period of powerful silent worship. I knew we were done and that I was back when it got colder all of a sudden. I told Maria I was done and we came home.

Friday, February 8, 2019

Listening

It feels right for me to just sit quietly and listen intently and openly for any sort of guidance about my next right move. I say listening "openly" since I can easily distort any guidance I receive if I have pre-conceived notions or any emotional involvement. I also need patience since my timing does not always match God’s! When I write this it sounds simple and easy but for me, it is not. I often lack patience and/or have pre-conceived notions. Time to meditate.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Harmony

Until recently I have not thought of my well-being this way, but I have a strong sense of harmony (being with and a part of) with everything and everybody and I suspect this contributes to physical healing. When I pray and meditate I harmonize mainly with God or that part of God within me. When I exercise I focus on harmonizing with the strength and power of loving earth energies. Before I eat I bless my food and "everything and everyone that contributed to putting the food on the table in front of me". When I connect with others I have a sense of empathy, love and harmony with them. My sense (which I cannot prove!) is that the energy or sense of harmony that I carry with me during the day impacts on my physical health.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Quiet Time

My car is in the shop for repairs so I am grounded in terms of outside activities and I find that pleases me because I am "forced" to stay at home and do things like meditate. I am never involved in worldly activities but for now even less. "The unending yearnings of the human spirit are satisfied by nothing that can be measured, seen, heard or touched. To focus selfishly on anything in the created order is to be restricted and thus to fall that far short of full freedom." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Monday, February 4, 2019

Being Of Service

In terms of my own spiritual growth, I am doing very well, and I am aware as part of that growth that I am feeling "lost in a trackless desert" in my quest to assist others in their evolution to higher levels. When I meditate I have a very good connection with God, I also feel a good sense of harmony with all things and am doing well physically. I feel positive about my interactions in mentoring several people. I also have several situations (website design, committee membership, work with spirits, etc.) where I feel lost in my effort to maximize my impact. I am "in between" and searching — feeling mostly patient but also a bit restless. "It [evolution to higher levels] is not now the result of an escalator coming up from below. It depends on us, and persons like us, whether we go on to further goals or not. The possibilities are in us, there is no compulsion. We can sag down to the level of animal life, or we can climb an inward Jacob’s Ladder and become rightly fashioned by spirits, kindled by a flame from above..... We have the possibility of becoming superbiological. (Rufus Jones)

Sunday, February 3, 2019

There, But For The Grace Of God.....

I spent this afternoon at a visit with my in-laws during which they spent most of the time smiling, being pleasant and talking about superficial things like sports, home design and cars. There was a six month old present so there was also some cooing and other happy expressions around the baby. There were a few "cracks" in the facade showing some of the dysfunction, hurt and anger underneath the pleasantries. Having "been there", I could not judge them and I also realize that the way to help is love and support — not judgment or criticism. I was reminded how much work my wife and I have done to become more fulfilled and functional. I am very grateful for the help we have received along the way. As Patricia Loring points out "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." She also wrote "We can cultivate an environment among us which will foster one another’s spiritual growth by directing and redirecting intention and attention to God; by discouraging what draws us away; by loving support for each other in the vicissitudes of our utterly human lives; by respecting and cherishing the uniqueness of each life."

Saturday, February 2, 2019

My Shadow

There are two people in my life right now that I do not feel loving and supportive toward when they are not present and I am just thinking about them. However, when I am with them I am genuinely loving and supportive in my thoughts and actions towards them. When just thinking about them I judge them and want to control and correct there behavior. Pretty arrogant and part of me that I am not proud of — but at least I do not act on my negative feelings. On a good day, when those judgmental feelings arise I think "Ahh, there you are again!". "Loving the enemy within ourselves does not eliminate the enemy out there, but it can change our relationship with him." (A.B. Schmookler)

Friday, February 1, 2019

Choices

I have been tasked by the powers that be with renewing my website and to do it in such a way that it helps people make love based, ethical and honest choices and actions, choosing the "good wolf" I mentioned two days ago. I will write about my own experiences, joys and hopes for the future, using myself as an example which people can follow if they wish. As I say on my website "I lead a fairly disciplined life" and I am aware that others would rather not follow that example. I want to make it clear that love is important, not discipline or any particular belief system. Love is inclusive not exclusive. All loving actions, choice and beliefs are included.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Conflict

A few years back I encountered what was titled "Cherokee Wisdom" on the internet. In that piece a grandfather explained to his grandson that within each person there was a struggle or conflict between a bad or evil wolf and a good or loving wolf. The grandson then asked "which wolf wins" and the old Cherokee responded "the one you feed". Right now that same conflict is playing out on a societal level with lies deceit and unethical practices on one side and kindness, honesty and love on the other. I sense clearly that, in an eternal sense, Love will win since love is much more powerful and love conquers all. However, we are not there yet. I will continue to do all I can on an individual and societal level to promote the Love side.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Light and Love

I see and feel the light and Love of God in everything around me at all times, which brings me great peace and joy. Because of that feeling I often find myself laughing or smiling. I feel great joy. For example, yesterday, I went grocery shopping and I saw several very young children with their mothers. I saw their beautiful eyes, smile and they often smiled back. Another example is that tonight I encountered a cockroach, a truly well adapted survivor and I smiled (I still dispatched it while admitting I valued it!). According to Thomas Jesus said, "I am the light which is before all things. It is I who am all things. From me all things came forth, and to me all things extend. Split a piece of wood, and I am there; lift up the stone, and you will find me."

Monday, January 28, 2019

Human Nature

Tonight I keep thinking back to the movie Wonder Woman and her words after her opponent pointed out that humans were self-centered, selfish, aggressive and not worthy of her concern, protection or attention. Her response was to say basically "yes they are — but they are also so much more". We/they are. As in my case, we are quite capable of being loving and other-directed. I am committed to the growth and well being of my brothers and sisters on this planet and I know many others who feel the same. We, unquestionably, have our negative sides but we also have a positive side. We just need to nourish it.

Sunday, January 27, 2019

On The Cross

Today, in the monthly meeting of our spiritual reading group, we were talking about "living on the cross", the suffering and the death of our own ego selves as we turn ourselves over to the will of God. As I mentioned, I do not experience suffering from carrying out difficult ministries or turning my life and will over to the care of God. Anyone looking at the physical reality of my life would think I was suffering. I do not. I do feel the " peace, Love and joy I find there", which I spoke of yesterday. As St. John of the Cross said of touches " The delights they engender more than compensate for all the trials suffered in life, even though innumerable"

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Connection

I have a very close connection with God and I rely on that connection with the peace, Love and joy I find there to carry me through each day. Most of the activities in any day are difficult and challenging for me but I usually do not notice that because of that peace, Love and joy I feel. In order to cultivate and maintain that connection I spend a good part of each day in prayer and meditation. So far, I have not experienced any spiritually "dry" times when I do not feel that connection for which I am very grateful. "Immersion in God entails a being filled with Him, a divine inflowing. Biblical men knew well enough that this self-communication of God is the sole destiny of men." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Friday, January 25, 2019

What Matters

We got a second opinion and analysis of the problem with our car and it was different from the first, but similar in that it was concluded that the engine was worn out. We can either replace the engine or get a new car. Given the age of the car (16 years), a newer engine is a bad idea. This will be expensive but it is also just a material thing. I am reminded of the words of Richard Pries from years ago that "Nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all". Buying a new is car not a matter of love or relationship, has no eternal significance and will matter little when I am on my death bed.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Focus

Today, in contrast to yesterday, I did well at maintaining my focus on "God, Love, healing and recovery" during my various activities. The difference between yesterday and today made me think of the comment by Gilbert Kilpack, that "one must travel much in the dark and be greatly sifted and tossed about is an inevitable step in the way of spiritual growth." During my exercise this morning I was able to keep focus on healing and harmony with the earth. Later in the day, during meditation, unlike yesterday, I kept my brain on "God, Love, healing and recovery" rather tan revisiting my monkey mind. Scattered through the day I was able to deal with the same car stuff I mentioned yesterday, without giving it much importance, reminding me of the comment by Thomas Dubay, S. M., that "A person is able to attend to the indwelling Trinity and yet carry on the ordinary business of daily life." I also relaxed for a while with an inspirational movie about a woman, love and her dog. It was a good day.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Meditation

Tonight I have been having difficulty keeping my focus on God, Love, healing and recovery during my meditation. My brain keeps drifting off into current events of my life and I keep noticing the wandering, not judging it and bringing my focus back. The current event that I am having trouble with is the situation with my car. We are not sure at this point but we may have to replace it. The various options vary, in cost, from hundreds up to $26,000, which captures my attention but it is also just material stuff and money, items of little importance. I wish to quiet the "clamoring" of my brain (monkey mind) which tends to give this topic more than it deserves!

Monday, January 21, 2019

Near-Death-Experience

When I had my Near-Death-Experience I could feel the Love of God and with that love was its strong "desire" (not the right word since it is human and God is more, but the best I can do) to create more love. The nature of love is that it creates more love, it spreads and increases. At that time I chose to come back to the living and be part of spreading that love, I felt I could do no less. That was a fine choice which has yielded incredible riches for me. I need to keep my focus on that choice or I slip back into my old ways, in spite of how harmonious it feels.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

God's Love

I need to always to remember that "To be perfect in God’s eyes is to be my whole self" (Elizabeth Ostrander Sutton) and that God’s Love is very powerful, absolute and unconditional. I could feel all of that during my Near-Death-Experience and will never forget it — at least not for long. Like many of my fellow humans, I "have a history" and I am not totally free of my frailties in the present. I could feel that none of that made any difference, that reality did not diminish God’s Love in any way. The feeling was much stronger than anything of human origin.

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Eternity

I was just meditating and when I do that I feel the Loving and powerful presence of God and I know that everything in the world is in divine order. Earlier in the day I was talking to someone about the rampant unethical practices that many business people employ and I was also reading in the Washington Post about some of the destructive practices and problems all over the world. Both are true. The first view being love based, eternal and the second being fear based, worldly. As a culture we have not "hit bottom" yet and decided to turn our behavior around. Personally, I have hit my bottom. I then decided to reverse my self-destructive, hurt, angry behavior and became more ethical, loving and service oriented. I am still working on it!

Friday, January 18, 2019

Holistic Healing

Five days ago I re-committed myself to further relaxing my jaw and since then I have focused on relaxing and done healing touch on my face, jaw, brain and upper spine. For some reason (possibly the relaxation), I have not bitten the inside of my cheek since then. I am aware that this is only the beginning of this effort and I wonder where it will lead. "But if I, as a physician, cure someone and aid him or her to become less vulnerable to that disease again, then I am a good doctor. But if I, as a doctor, cure someone, aid him or her to become less vulnerable to that disease, and help him or her to understand their place in the universe, then I am a healer." (Carl A. Hammerschlag, M.D.)

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Spirits

Consciousness of the presence of spirits first happened for me back in 1994 and they have dramatically impacted my attitudes and actions since then. I serve as an example and now ask that they influence others similarly. Back in 1994 I did not believe in the presence of the spirit realm and would have dismissed any notion of it ---- so my first introduction came through a disreputable looking Native American who told me that the spirits came to him in dreams and that they wanted me to build a sweat lodge. He said they came to him rather than me because I would not listen. Four years later a Navajo family offered to build me a lodge which my wife and I conducted weekly for close to a decade. During the four years between my introduction to their presence and the construction of our lodge, I attended weekly sweat ceremonies and was visited by loving spirits that others could not see several times. I was also aware of some sort of negative entities which would leave me alone when I sent them love and asked them to leave. The difference was clear. "There are, says the saint (St. John), encounters with God such that the devil cannot possibly counterfeit them, nor can one’s imagination create them. Some are so indelibly imprinted in the center of one’s being that they can neither be described nor forgotten.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Spiritual Path

About thirty years ago, when I began to intentionally follow a spiritual path, I anticipated that following that path would consist of comfortably and joyfully encountering opportunities to grow and then doing so. I find instead that I feel "lost in a trackless desert" much of the time and that I keep encountering internal resistance. The resistance is there because spiritual growth often involves ego deflation, and my ego does not enjoy that. I also keep giving up worldly distraction like un-needed possessions or attachments. Just the same, I would have it no other way since the result are well worth it. "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)

Monday, January 14, 2019

Spiritual Growth

I commented yesterday that " I am now in a position where I wish to relax my jaw more completely", meaning I now wish (plan?) to increase my physical recovery another step or two, with God’s guidance. I feel strongly that it is time and I will give my progress the effort and time which is needed. I am quite aware that using current medical knowledge what I just wrote is impossible and I have no clue as to why it is time. So tonight I feel in the dark and at a loss. I plan to keep deepening my spiritual connection anyway — where ever that takes me. "To resign one’s self to the fact that one must travel much in the dark and be greatly sifted and tossed about is an inevitable step in the way of spiritual growth." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Holistic Healing

In 2010 I was going through a period when I could not relax my jaw at all and it was in constant motion while awake and I even had to sleep in a position that held my jaw still. That is when I was diagnosed as having a jaw dystonia, which was quite a bit worse than it is today. I found that during deep meditation I could relax my jaw and I reasoned that I could carry that ability into when I was being active, my normal waking self. I mentioned this plan to my doctor and she said "most people cannot do that" and in response I thought "I can and I will". I am now in a position where I wish to relax my jaw more completely and I have realized that I can do so when I am meditating. There is part of me that thinks I cannot do that and another part that keeps repeating to myself "I can and I will". We shall see.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Joy

This evening I was reading in Marcelle Martin’s book Our Life is Love: The Quaker Spiritual Journey, about what the original Quakers called "Living in the cross", or living and acting within God’s will. I lead a life based on being of service and have given up many of the ego pleasures she described. I participate in minimal distractions and focus on carrying out God’s will, not mine. I cannot say that I suffer since I simply accept my lot in life as "what is" but I do experience pain. I also experience tremendous joy in my life which comes from living a life of Love and following guidance. In response to the question of how I’m doing, I generally say that my body is a mess and I have a wonderful life. I focus on the joy I feel.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Meditation

Usually when I meditate I continue to be semi-conscious and partially aware of my surroundings so that if someone speaks to me I know it and can choose to respond, though usually I do not. I generally have feelings of peace, love and well being and am usually focused on some question or topic. Each session usually lasts twenty to thirty minutes, sometimes longer. Today I was having a difficult day emotionally and physically while dealing with my demon of low self-worth mentioned two days ago. In order to more thoroughly explore my internal conflict I used a form of meditation where I am not conscious of my surroundings and appear to be asleep but I am sorting out the question I started with. This particular session lasted two hours and in the past, similar sessions have gone on for three hours, though they always seem like minutes to me. I have the clarity I was seeking and feel much better.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Dragons

What a "coincidence"! Yesterday I wrote of continuing whispers of feelings of low self worth left over from my youth and today I found myself talking about my past "dragons" coming back to haunt me. It’s important for me to not believe those whispers and even laugh at them as old and familiar companions. I would also like to remember that in God’s eyes I am perfectly imperfect, growing and learning. "The Lord explained that it was needful that he [George Fox]’should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?"

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Internal Conflict

Today I am dealing with a totally irrational internal conflict between being a loving person who represents joy to many people and feelings of low self worth which apparently stems from childhood. On one hand I feel wonderful about my life and spontaneously radiate Love and joy as described yesterday. That part of me is present and dominates my life most of the time. There is also a quiet part of me that is apparent some days which has a low opinion of self. That part of me is stuck on the many years of my youth when I was unpleasant, hurt and angry. The best process for me is to acknowledge my past and not let it impact the present, which I do most of the time.

Monday, January 7, 2019

Joy

Two days ago on Sunday before our period of silent worship a friend was relating a poem about finding events that bring joy and she said "seeing your face does that for me". I was pleased and surprised. I am aware that I radiate Love, especially during times of worship and she could feel that. Similarly, when I go grocery shopping on Monday mornings I often encounter young women with their babies. I spontaneously beam love at them and the babies and often the moms show the same joy. We all exchange glances and sometimes words within that loving atmosphere. The encounters are brief but very satisfying and it is wonderful for me to have that impact on people. "The fruits of the Spirit [tests if leadings are divine in origin] have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’" (Galatians 5:23 NJB)

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Meditation

When I meditated tonight I felt an especially strong connection to that Loving, healing power and presence I call God. The feeling was right on the verge of overwhelming, almost more than I could deal with. I visualized flying over the earth in this area and covering it in a bubble of love, dispelling any negative energies. There was also a recognition that the current darkness is necessary for the responding release of light and Love. "The Lord explained that it was needful that he [George Fox]’should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?’ Then followed the critical experience: ‘I saw the infinite love of God. I saw that there was an ocean of darkness and death, but an infinite ocean of light and love which flowed over the ocean of darkness. In that also I saw the infinite love of God; and I had great openings"

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Life

It struck me today that in spite of the inconvenience of my disability, I truly enjoy my life, all of it. Today I began the day by meditating and praying in the wee hours right after midnight. I went to a morning recovery meeting and mentored a couple of people. Those activities were all meaningful and had substance. I also watched part of an enjoyable movie (The Martian) which was pure distraction and had no meaning beyond being a nice break. As Jack Kornfield wrote "The happiness we discover in life is not about possessing or owning or even understanding. Instead, it is the discovery of this capacity to love, to have a loving, free and wise relationship with all of life. Such love is not possessive but arises out of a sense of our own well-being and connection with everything."

Friday, January 4, 2019

Meditation

When I meditate on my connection to God or All-That-Is, I arrive at a place of Love, peace and well-being that others have called the Absolute or La-la Land. Originally I pursued that depth of meditation in order to have the pain reduction I find there and now I go there for the joy of being there. Feeling that connection used to take several minutes of focus but now is easy and immediate. I now carry that feeling during the day and attempt to radiate it. As Jesus said in the Gospel of Luke "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you."

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Meditation

Recently, when I get up in the middle of the night I begin by having a small snack, drinking some harmonizing tea, sitting down to meditate on love and healing and then sit with the local spirits for an hour or so. This is a Thursday evening which I normally spend at my mother-in-law’s, with the spirits and unseen entities at that location but tonight I am at my home in Columbia, several miles away. Tonight when I began to meditate I quickly realized that I was expected there so, using my imagination and intent, I went there. I actually felt like I had gone there and found it momentarily confusing when I opened my eyes and found I was at home. I did not know I could do that and do not really understand how I did.

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Perseverance

Patricia Loring commented that "We can cultivate an environment among us which will foster one another’s spiritual growth by directing and redirecting intention and attention to God; by discouraging what draws us away; by loving support for each other in the vicissitudes of our utterly human lives; by respecting and cherishing the uniqueness of each life." I believe that she was right and I also realize that we have a long way to go if we wish to reach that goal. The "seed" of that way of life is within us but it needs to be nourished. I am doing that with living people and the unseen spirits. I am reminded that about thirty years ago I was using crutches and gradually learning to walk with a cane. It took me five years but I knew I would get there if I kept making slight movements in that direction — perseverance!

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Allowing

It’s a simple thing, very human and a bit silly but I like it when people enjoy the food I prepare. Today was a New Years gathering of me and my in-laws, eleven others and myself. I made spaghetti and meatballs, which they enjoyed. They like to keep things positive, never discuss negative or disturbing things and never go to more depth than superficial small talk. I’m not good at any of that but I can cook and that is comfortable for all. I do not judge them, but I do observe and notice. Judging them for being themselves would be a pointless and exhausting exercise. They are different from me.