I was reminded today of the very different feelings and outcomes due to personal interactions based on love/respect/understanding versus interactions based on fear/judgment/ shame. This is something I have much personal experience with, both toward myself and others. It is also something I have witnessed many times. Generally speaking, interactions based on fear/judgment/shame result in feelings like hurt, defensiveness and anger, with no or limited growth. There may also be compliance, but at a cost. The same sort of interaction, based on love/respect/understanding could also result in compliance, but through willingness, a win-win situation, frequently coupled with growth.
Two examples come to mind. In the case of a child who has broken something in the act of being a child, meaning exploring his/her world. It is possible to yell at the child, tell him/her they were bad and punish them in some way. It is also possible to understand that part of the role of a child is to, sometimes clumsily, explore different ways of doing things, point out what happened and offer to help the child fix what he/she broke.
In the case of adults, when an adult takes some sort of action which has an undesirable result, it is possible to tell the person that he/she was foolish or stupid and then tell them to do it over again differently, sometimes resulting in a more desirable outcome. On the other hand, it is also possible to believe they were doing the best they could, given their cultural or personal history and then to make a suggestion as to how they could do it differently.
