Long Day

Today I spent six hours making a very strong loving connection with several families in three different settings.  All in all, it was a very fulfilling day.  It was also exhausting, sort of like running a marathon or some other long race.  It was both exhilarating and exhausting!  It is important for me to realize that I need a few days of quiet.

Spiritual Weight

I went to check out a nearby location as a potential site for a sweat lodge today.  I swept over the area with a feather, sprinkled tobacco and meditated at the site, asking if it was a good location for a lodge and basically asking permission from the environment.  I got a response that required some sorting out, on my part.  My sense is that the trees, spirits and the rocks (it’s in a rocky area) are good with the proposed site and that was the response I was most interested in, that response carried the most spiritual “weight”, or significance.  On the other hand, the location seems to be on federal land, a fact that does not carry much weight but, I suspect, will keep the lodge from happening.  The phrase “white man’s law” comes to mind.

Compassion

Today I went to my pharmacist in order to pick up my thyroid medication (I’m hypothyroid).  Just ahead of me was a woman who was berating the clerk and felt she had been mistreated by her doctor and the pharmacist.  This went on for about ½ hour, while I waited.  I experienced a range of emotions as a result of the situation.  I was glad I was not the woman who was complaining, felt compassion for the clerk and amused by the whole situation.  When my turn came, the clerk was relieved that I was not angry and that caused me to realize that I could have made the situation a lot worse, but I chose compassion and amusement instead.  I have a great deal of compassion for my fellow humans and often find life to be amusing.

Love Versus Fear

I learned many attitudes and techniques during my formative years which protected me then, and hold me back now, if I listen to them.  Things like low self-worth, the danger to self of facing up to anger, the importance of appearance over substance, the necessity of using intellect over feelings or the danger of feeling and openly expressing emotions.  In my case, recently, those attitudes and techniques seemed very compelling, almost necessary, but also imprisoned me.  I recall, vividly, the first time I bought a used P.C. for myself.  The action actually made me nauseous since part of me said “you are not worth it” or “this is dangerous” and another part knew it was a good thing to do.  I went through similar conflicts when I first stood up to anger or began to trust my feelings or intuition.  Acting out of love, rather than fear is one of those “dangerous” behaviors that I choose today.

Harmony

I strive for harmony with “all that is”,asking for support and guidance repeatedly during the day.  During my daily meditation, I am very clear that I cannot do what I do alone and I have faith that I will get the assistance that I need.  My jobs are to get my ego out of the way, listen and do what I am told.  As a result of this practice, I do get the help I need and never feel alone.  During my day, I generally interact directly with several people, clients and others.  Typically, I also do many things which, indirectly, impact other people or future events.  Frequently I do not know why I am doing or saying what I do, other than it feels right and I figure I will know and understand eventually.  I realize that I am merely a willing participant in life and not in charge of outcomes.  This is a strange and very enjoyable way to live.

Forgiveness

Within my healing journey, I needed to forgive two main people.  One of those people was myself for being self-destructive, hurting many others, turning away from God and being angry.  The second main person was my father for having beaten me and, in general, exposing me to his anger and rage as I was growing.  I went through many complex feelings and realizations on my journey to forgiveness, and finally letting go of these anchors that were holding me back,
arriving at acceptance and forgiveness.  I then began to receive many gifts from God, one of which was going to visit my father, shortly before he died.  During that visit, he had advanced Alzheimer’s so did not know who I was and could not speak, cogently, we had long, deep communications and there was none of the past for either of us.  We were both transported through love, quite amazing.  Because of that visit, the gifts I received and my own meditation, I realized that within the love of the Absolute, the God place, there was nothing to forgive, only the love of the absolute.

Spring

I certainly realize that in human terms it is still February and the middle of winter, but the plants and animals are demonstrating behaviors that I associate with spring.  When I connect with the plants and animals, I can feel their vibrancy.  The plants are quietly exhibiting waking up to the presence of a period of new growth.  The birds are more active, chasing each other around, in their bright spring plumage and singing their spring songs.  Personally, I consider this time of year to be very enjoyable, full of the promise of things to come.
Additionally, I notice, that though it has been a very dry winter in Flagstaff, so far,  rather than fretting about the dryness, the plants and animals just accept the reality and continue with life, a good model for me to follow.