Awareness and Progress

Today has been a day of physical awareness.  My awareness is frequently increased on days when I have significant pain.  Today it is nerve pain (deep and burning) in my right shoulder and arm.  I don't know what I did, but I must have pinched the nerve or moved wrong.  At any rate, it will pass with time and I just need to take it easy with that arm for a few days.

On the plus side, I notice that my chewing is getting easier.  I don t bite myself nearly as often and my jaw is much more relaxed when I chew.  Small daily progress, but with progress the end result is not in question.  It is taking longer than I would like, but that is the way of things.

The Benifits of Connection

A great day!  I was able to stay very strongly connected while working with a family that was largely burned out by dealing with the addiction of their son, my primary client.  Through the process of deep listening, my own intuition and the guidance I received, I was able to reach the various members of the family and give them a more human and compassionate understanding of the disease.  I think it will help my client, and the rest of the family, heal.

We had a sweat lodge tonight to welcome back Maria, my wife, after her vision quest.  I was guided to pour and then, while pouring, to make it fairly hot.  The group protested, somewhat jokingly, somewhat not, that I was pouring too much and making it to hot.  I heard myself say, very forcefully, “Look, I m not going to turn my back on a power that saved my life!”.  That statement and feeling was the reason it was important for me to pour.

Communicating With Spirits

Just prior to the sweat, yesterday, it was raining fairly hard.  I tried communicating and negotiating with the storm in order to stop the rain and have a sweat lodge.  The negotiating involves first joining with the spirit of the lodge and then connecting with the weather/storm.  The whole process needs to be done with respect, love and humility and also with the objective of being of service, not for any selfish motive.  With all that in mind, it is then possible to communicate that intent to the storm and request that it hold off from 2:00 to 7:00.  I have heard of others (Native Americans) doing this sort of thing and have been doing it periodically for several years.  Last night, it then stopped raining for the period of the lodge and a bit more and then it rained all night.  Perhaps coincidence, but similar things have happened repeatedly, before.  I would like some method to be sure something is happening, but perhaps I am just being a silly member of my culture. "Understanding is not required"!

The Sweat Lodge, Love and Connection

We had a sweat lodge for the young, early recovery guys from Back2Basics, some of whom I have as clients.  For most of them, it was their first sweat experience.  It s a bit hard to explain, but if a person transcends the physical discomfort of the lodge, it is possible to feel strongly the sense of connection, love and compassion that I have described elsewhere.  If you are in a dark confined space with several others focusing on the same thing, it can be a truly awesome and magical experience.  I know of no other way to achieve that feeling, regularly, for most people.  I achieve it daily through meditation and it can also be achieved in very intimate groups, when a sacred space is established.  At any rate, they all seemed to get there and were very moved by the experience.

Waking Up the Demon

While working with a client, he stated that he had blown up in anger at another person and that it did not feel good.  I commented that it did not feel good to “wake up the demon”, which is exactly what it feels like to me.  I also suggested that he approach the person he blew up at, apologize, express caring and compassion and provide some minimal explanation of his behavior.  Techniques I have used to put the “demon” back to sleep.

Earlier in the day a friend was talking to me about having observed someone else call his x-wife, “you f - ing bi –“.  No one deserves to be talked to like that.  Yet I have said similar things, and still have the capability inside me, if enough hurt and fear is applied.  The demon used to be very close to the surface and I would express it frequently.  Now I generally conduct myself with love, compassion and understanding and the demon is deep inside and never acted on.  As far as I can tell, we all have the capability of either and our behavior depends on which part we choose to “feed”.  People do not hurt other people unless they have been hurt, themselves.

The Fear of Change

Today, I am scared.  My work schedule has changed.  I am doing more.  I feel like more is being asked of me, by God and I have not been able to access that strong feeling washing over me and saying “everything is going to be O.K., I am with you”.  I know that I am the one preventing that feeling, because of my own fear.  The feeling of things being all right is not there and the fear is.  I also know that this will pass, but the feeling of fear persists.  Writing about it and simply being with the fear helps, a lot.  I begin to get glimpses of that feeling of everything being in divine order, being just a tool and not in control of much of anything.