Self-interest

As a part of my nighttime devotional I always pray that I may be "relieved of the bondage of self". I include this sentiment since no matter what service which I ask for or imagine there is always a part of me that thinks and hopes that I might benefit in some way, usually some type of money, power or prestige. When I am actually performing the service rather than just thinking about it I am totally focused on that service. Not when I am just thinking about it! I must confess I wish those thoughts were not there — but they are.

Focus

I lost my focus, stumbled and fell while walking from the parking area to my recovery meeting today. Actually I lost my focus and twisted my body to look at something at the same time, a bad combination. One of the gifts (curses?) of my disability is my need to focus on whatever it is that I am doing, a zen thing. If I can maintain my focus and concentration, I move slowly but relatively well. I look on this as a gift since the need keeps my attention on the present moment.

Ministry

In the middle of every night when I get up one of my main activities is to join with God, fill myself with the powerful feeling of God’s Love and broadcast that feeling through my hands to the area around me and as far as it will go. The feeling of joining with God and then broadcasting Love has gotten stronger over time and now has become almost automatic makes my hands pulsate and my wrists ache. I usually visualize sending that Love to a tent above the graveyards and spirits I have visited. I have a strong feeling that this action will get stronger and that it will be necessary, though I do not really understand more than that, but then I do not need to. "The fruits of the Spirit [tests if leadings are divine in origin] have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’" (Galatians 5:23)

Being

I am very aware that I am different from most people. I have no interest in sports or other common distractions and little interest in politics, preferring instead silent contemplation and meditation. Even as a child I recall trying and failing to be interested in the pass times my peers liked such as sports, stamps, coins or games. I did enjoy walking alone through woods and fields. At the present time I find myself enjoying who I am and also wishing that I fit in better! The highlight of my day is getting up in the middle of the night to pray, meditate and be with God. "Only a few achieve the colossal task of holding together, without being split asunder, the clarity of their vision alongside an ability to take their place in a materialistic world." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo).

Listening

Today during our book study meeting I spoke at length about the joys I experience nightly during my meditation and conscious contact with God, the joys I described in my last two entries. I was selfishly disturbed and saddened that the ten or so other people there did not listen to my words and praise me for speaking the truth. They did listen attentively but were primarily restricted by their own beliefs rather than immediately changing their minds and thanking me — pretty silly on my part. I have since recalled how difficult it was for me to really listen to alternative points of view and being stuck within my own beliefs. I could not and would not "listen attentively". Listening was a challenge for me and I am now more open (I think).