Different Approaches

Yesterday I went to see the MD I go to.  She views herself as holistic and she is, relative to most MDs.   I am struck by the fact that she is fear based with respect to health matters.  For example she feels she should monitor any of my deterioration, possibility of diabetes, loss of bone density with age or signs of C.O.P.D., in case they happen.  My emphasis is on health and healing, embracing my health as it is, doing everything I can to stay healthy and dealing with what is.  On the one hand, I appreciate her thoroughness, which is why I go to her.  On the other hand, when I go to her, I also start to worry about possible problems, which does not contribute to my sense lf well being.

Difficult Day

Yesterday did not go according to my plans and I felt a bit confused and clouded much of the day.  I just kept listening or being attentive to any indication of the best action to take, and then acted accordingly.  To me, that sort of day is a very good indicator of my spiritual condition.  On the one hand I could get increasingly uncomfortable, even angry if I attach to the outcome(s) I had planned on.  I could also keep a “go with the flow” attitude, just accept whatever happens and be relatively serene even in the midst of chaos.  I used to do the former, now the latter is my choice.  Neither has any impact on what actually happens but the latter feels a lot better.

Gaining Clarity

Having cancelled the men’s group for tonight, I take note of how hard it is for me to be objective concerning things I care about, such as the group and its members.  When I sit to meditate on potential actions such as cancelling the group, it works best for me to clear my mind of all preferences, prior to deciding what to do.  I can then be open to what seems “right”.  Any emotional attachment makes that process lengthy and quite difficult to arrive at any sort of conclusion.  In this case, as usual, I felt good about my decision after I had made it, but not before.  Though I had an inkling of what to do, I still felt slightly clouded before my decision.

Importance Of Relationships

For the last several days, I have been noticing how much I value relationships, especially in comparison to other possible activities.  When I went to a movie the other day, the highlight was a brief encounter with a friend I have not seen for a while.  During my initial attendance in recovery meetings I tend to feel a lot of loving connection with old and new friends.  When I see my wife during the day, I feel a lot of gratitude.  In each case I feel a flood of loving connection. This is a marked contrast with the isolated, hurt, angry, intellectual person I was, some years ago.

Self-care

Maria and I went out to dinner tonight, not to an expensive establishment, but definitely more expensive than eating at home. The fact is that the money we spent would have provided home meals for closer to a week.  Her tendency, and mine to a lesser extent, is to think of that sort of thing as a waste of money, a limited resource for us.  Spending the extra money is an optional luxury for us but it is also a welcome respite and the action provides some variety, hard things to put a value on.  When money is tight, going out to dinner stops, but for now it seems to be worth it.

Assumptions & Projections

My tendency to make assumptions and project my own attitudes and ideas has been a major stumbling block to being objective and open to listening.  For example, if someone comes to talk to me about a problem with their current relationship I am likely to draw conclusions based on my beliefs about past relationships of theirs or other people, particularly if I know the partner.  The problem arises that I really believe my conclusions are correct rather than realizing they come from my own head, not listening.  My best tool for realizing when I am doing this is mindful meditation, oriented at looking at my source of information.

Being Silent To Listen Better

I am tremendously grateful for my developing ability to connect and listen.  Truly listening and the resultant ability to connect with everything and everyone has become one of the most important aspects of my current life.  In order to be able to truly listen I have largely eliminated my distracting “mind chatter” (judgment, criticism, assumption, etc.) together with being open to whatever information that comes through.  This applies to listening to people, other animals, plants, rocks or God, and still requires attention and focus.  However, the rewards are great.