Ego

I have often told the people I work with to pay attention when something causes them to "well up" and/or cry since this is often the subconscious’ way of saying "this is important to you". Then today I was watching a movie during which one character said to another "they will follow you". I need to pay attention since I welled up with tears when I heard that comment. There are many people who openly admire me and follow me closely. For the sake of my ego it is useful for me to realize that those people are actually admiring me together with the loving power that walks with me. This situation works for me and will continue as long as I stay humble and am careful about what I say and do. I have ample examples in my life of what this kind of admiration and power can do to a person — I would rather not go there.

Compassion

There was a fellow who today was banned from the Serenity Center, where I go for some of my recovery meetings. He was banned because of his disruptive behavior and not altering that behavior in spite of prior warnings. I agree with the decision since his behavior could discourage and be harmful to the newcomer. I also have empathy for him and will reach out to him, given the chance. It is important for me to realize that he and I are very similar, differing only in some brain chemicals. I, too, have self-centered, grandiose and anti-social thoughts but I choose and have the ability to not act on them. I also have difficulty, at times, in listening to the criticism and comments of others, but I am able to slow down, listen and remain quiet and respectful. He has a bit more difficulty in restraining himself. "Doing shadow-work means making a gentleman's agreement with one's self to engage in an internal conversation that can, at some time down the road result in an authentic self-acceptance and a real compassion for others." (Zweig and Abrams)

Balance

Today was a day of moderate activity (exercise, recovery meeting, talking on the phone and meditating) mixed with periods of relaxation and restoration. I seldom enter into total relaxation or distraction and usually continue to think about my activities at a much reduced rate and intensity as I did today. I watched a movie while also having some thoughts and planning about my interaction with trees. I find this partial relaxation actually helps my creativity and the fruition of my thinking — it is also good self-care. I should also confess that when relaxing I always wonder if I should be doing more!

My Growth

Most of the time when I meditate I connect with and feel the strength, Love and power of God, a feeling that is a gift which I can then carry with me during the day. The feeling originates with God not me and, to use an analogy from baseball, the capability of connecting with and generating that feeling is my "home run". I also find that I can pass that feeling to other entities, though doing so is not totally under my control. I am the "instrument" or "organ" of its passage, not the one who decides and is truly in charge. At this point I have transmitted that feeling to spirits, most recently to trees and at least twice (probably more) to living people. My sense is that I could be a better channel with people by being more completely open and then allowing it. I am working on that! "There are encounters with God such that the devil cannot possibly counterfeit them, nor can one’s imagination create them. Some are so indelibly imprinted in the center of one’s being that they can neither be described nor forgotten." (St. John of the Cross)

Spiritual Quest

I bet everything on the single card of my spiritual connection and the guidance I find there. Originally I made that choice because I was desperate and having explored earthly possibilities I found nothing that could help me. For the last couple of decades I have been pursuing a greater connection and continued guidance not from desperation but because of the joy and peace I find there. "Immersion in God entails a being filled with Him, a divine inflowing. Biblical men knew well enough that this self-communication of God is the sole destiny of men." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.). I have an adequate income and possessions but have to keep it spare because of my acquisitive nature. If I have much money or possessions I get excited, focused on the material and want more. As St. Augustine says "we cannot serve two masters. But a man does try to serve two masters if he seeks both the kingdom of God for the great good it is and those other temporal things."

Love

Words do not do the reality justice, but when Love is present it "desires" to create more Love, that is its nature and purpose. I live within a world of love and do everything I can to pass it on. I would like other people to feel that love, but also trees, stones, earth and everything else. The very human tendency and quest after "money, power and prestige" or technological distractions can block that love. I would like to overcome that tendency in others, leading to greater feeling of contentment and peace. "To the mystic he [God] becomes real in the same sense that experienced beauty is real, or the feel of spring is real, or that summer sunlight is real — he has been found, he has been met, he is present." (Rufus Jones)