Connection

  I spend my day connected to the Universe, God, Eternity, my higher self and “all that is”.  The connection feels strong, loving and very powerful and I suspect I am just scratching the surface.  I cannot describe it more than that but it’s a wonder to me.  It is when I meditate that I feel it the strongest and it is also then that I “listen” most intensely.  I believe that is what Nisargardatta Maharaj called the “I am”.  I get quiet, connect and listen for the whispers.  “According to Thomas, Jesus says that this primordial light not only brought the entire universe into being but still shines through everything we see and touch.” (Elaine Pagels)

Acceptance

  I was primarily listening and feeling but quietly communicating with an old, gnarled juniper tree.  The tree was living in a hot, wind-swept, dry and rocky area of Arizona.  I found myself considering what it would be like for the tree to live in a less rugged location and it stopped me by pointing out that it was more peaceful for it to think only of “what is” and be grateful for life.  I have used that level of acceptance for my own life, particularly my disability.  I could certainly compare myself to others and envy their ease, coordination and speed.  I have to admit I do that at times and it feels like I am fighting myself, definitely not peaceful.  I also can and usually do accept “what is” and be grateful for what I have.  It changes nothing but I find peace there.

Listening

  I have been reflecting back on a time a few years ago when I was a therapist on contract with child Protective Services.  I would meet with people and council them in their homes, usually as an unwelcome guest.  On my first visit with one family, their dog, an enormous mix of Great Dane and boxer, jumped on my lap and gently rubbed his cheek on mine.  It was a loving greeting and a clear response to my own energy field, since he did not know me.  I have found dogs to be sensitive to those unseen energies, which I try to sense as well.  Sensing those unseen energies is now part of “listening” for me.

Self Care

  I am missing something in me and there is a lot going on in my life right now so it’s not surprising that I feel lost and confused.  My mother-in-law just died and I was close to her so there is grief.  I am also the executor (personal representative) of her will so there are legal requirements and rules I must follow.  I filed her will and opened the estate yesterday— so I have begun the process, a big deal for me.  I need quiet time in order to sort out my feelings and just to rest.  I will rest. (Later) I needed that rest since I am dealing with challenging times. I also spent some quiet sorting time to get in touch with me.  I am reminded that “emotions can’t hit a moving target” and I now feel much better.

Love

  Hurt people hurt other people.  There are a lot of hurt, angry people doing destructive things to themselves and others — and I used to be one of them.  Now I do no intentional harm to myself or anyone else.  The difference was love and understanding which was given to me and I now pass it along whenever I have a chance.  I surround myself with what I was given knowing that I could be a part of that love by giving it away, freely.  In my past people have tried to modify my behavior with rules and regulations.  I have also been punished.  Those actions though well intentioned and necessary at times, did not address the hurt.  Love did.

Grief

  Today I am sad and grieving the loss of my mother-in-law so I do not feel particularly enlightened or enlightening!  I have been waiting for whatever feelings to hit me so I was not surprised with the sadness and anger.  Writing about them and talking of the feelings in a recovery meeting help.  I also feel tired so I think I will rest and not do anything for now.  I am totally convinced that she is now in a pleasant place but I will miss her living presence.

Sigh

  I have had several doctors and other medical professionals ask me about my approach to health and healing since I have accomplished what they consider impossible (mainly “spontaneous” healing of things that either were not possible or should have required surgery).  After my explanation they dismiss me by saying something like “I don’t know what you are doing” or deciding I was miss-diagnosed.  They have never asked me to talk to their other patients ---- very discouraging but totally understandable. I have generally spoken of the transforming power of love, meditation and imaging.  To them I am an exception or an outlier, far removed from what they know as true.  I do not fit but I continue!

Holistic Health

  The topic in today’s Quaker reading group was service to others and there was primarily talk of mental health and medical services.  Providing needed aide to poor or under served communities was also mentioned.  The book we read spoke of ‘the power of science, lovingly administered” and how science could save lives.  When it was my turn I spoke passionately of how “the power of love, scientifically (objectively) administered” had saved my life numerous times.  The fact is that I had been diagnosed with a degenerative neurological problem in 1988 and the medical community made it clear that they could not help me so, with guidance, I turned to a spiritual, loving solution.  That solution has served me well ever since and I now pass it on as was done with me.

Acceptance

  I find a lot of peace in simply accepting or even enjoying “what is” any given time.. Sounds simple and it is for things that are enjoyable and many short term unpleasant events.  I have found accepting long term unpleasant aspects like my disability to be more complex.  On a good day I can just accept my limited abilities and focus on the many benefits I have received due to my condition. There are always gifts.  On a less good day I can at least be grateful my condition is not worse.  I also need to accept those days when I am angry, fed up or impatient with my condition.  I need to accept those times when I am terrified about getting worse.  If I do not accept my “negative” feelings they build up pressure inside me.  Today is a good day and I am grateful.

Martha and Mary

When Jesus visited sisters, Martha and Mary, Martha bustled around taking care of business while Mary sat at his feet basking in the feeling of his presence.  I tend to be a Mary, though I also see that the needed things get done. My approach is made easier by my disability.  The fact is I cannot do much and tire quickly.  My choice to meditate a great deal is aided by necessity.  Quiet time is easy for me while activity is not.  I also enjoy connecting with that loving force I call God, several times a day.

Fulfillment

  I exist in a culture which emphasizes material success and professional accomplishments and I certainly admit that I am financially and materially quite well off, gifted in fact.  My wife and I are also what may people consider poor and we generally qualify for financial assistance, though we do not usually take advantage of it, since we have no need.  I emphasize things like love, relationships, connections, listening, self-care and understanding.  I find my fulfillment within and feel quite rich and totally fulfilled.  “An Indian says you search in vain for what you cannot find,. He says you’ve found a thousand ways of running down your time.”  (Jeremiah Johnson, the movie)

Part of My Practice

  I have several people that I mentor primarily on spiritual issues or life events that impact spiritual connections. I talk to most of them weekly on the phone and some are local.   I was surprised because some were young when we began (now closer to middle age!) and they still sought my guidance.  I listen a lot to them and also my own guides.  I ask for guidance, listen and pass it on.  It feels wonderful and helps keep me humble.  I know the source of wisdom is not me — I get out of the way and say what I am told. No small task!

Self Care

  Today I am sick of being disabled and would very much like to be more physically able —It is one of those days and I wish to pay attention and move on.  My normal approach to the difficulty of being me is to accept the unpleasant parts and focus on my gifts.  The gifts of being slow and disabled include greater patience, deeper empathy, expanded understanding and more peaceful solitude.  I am more able to see and feel those gifts if I, sometimes, allow myself to feel the negative realities also.  I am also aware that I could be and have been a lot worse.  Time for lunch!

Holistic Healing

  Whenever I am experiencing physical pain, in addition to addressing the physical issues, I look for any emotional component since dealing with that aspect facilitates healing.  Today I had an injured forefinger which got infected and became extremely painful.  I meditated on the pain and was surprised to encounter a thought/feeling/part of me which felt that I deserved the pain — a hangover from my upbringing.  I have been growing and aspire to be “all I can be”.  There is apparently a part of me that thinks such aspirations in a lowly human such as myself should be punished.  Sigh!  Loving myself and asking for guidance took care of that. 

Self Care

  I have come to enjoy feeling loving, peaceful and quiet most of the time.  It is a condition that I find necessary to maintain using quiet time, frequent meditation and conscious contact.  I find that I am easily distracted by things like most news reports and some household tasks.  Quiet gardening, cooking and quiet time work for me.  Self care has become very important, but I still have to remind myself to take the time.

After Death

  Back in 2006 I had a near-death-experience where I either died or came close to dying and was transported to the spirit realm, commonly called the “other side”.  During the experience I was told “this what it feels like to be dead” and given the choice of returning to the living or staying there.  I made the choice of coming back because of the powerful unconditional love I felt there.  I knew I could continue to experience that feeling by coming back and spreading love. Since coming back I have also joined a group of others who have  had NDEs.  We talk about the experiences which differ some in each case.  Our tendency is to conceptualize the experience using worldly terms and values.  Having been there it is clear to me that the other side of death is very different from this realm. The difference is so great that we are incapable of conceptualizing what it would be like — so I just enjoy the feeling.

Discernment

  During my recovery group today the importance of being able to discern negative and potentially harmful people was discussed.  This was mentioned as a particular problem when viewing all people through the lense of unconditional love, as mentioned in the last entry.  Viewing all people as “beautiful and wonderful” could be dangerous if they did something potentially harmful.  I realized that I actually prayed for and was granted discernment.  I now trust people to be themselves and love them regardless of what they do.  If they do something that could potentially be harmful, I get out of the way, expect it, and do not take it personally 

All People Are Beautiful

  Many years ago, during a sweat lodge, I asked to “see things the way God does”.  My prayer was granted during my NDE (near-death-experience) and the “downloading” in the months after.  I learned and, eventually, came to feel through the powerful unconditional love of that plane that “all people are beautiful and wonderful”. The feeling was similar but stronger that a parent might have toward his or her beloved children, even when they do something harmful to themselves or others. When I first had that feeling myself, I asked how I could continue to function in today’s world with such a feeling.  I was told simply that “you’ll get used to it”.

Discovery

  Tonight my wife was getting rid of some camping equipment we no longer use and I was reminded that before I became disabled we used to go  backpack camping.  I thought of those times fondly but was then reminded by my wife that we were always searching for something.  I wanted a feeling of completion, peace and love which I approached when I was in something like wilderness.  I never quite found that, even when my wife and I spent our honeymoon backpacking in Alaska.  I am now disabled and quite a bit older.  One of the gifts of my disability is that I can’t do much.  I am forced to sit and meditate and in so doing have found what I was looking for I also now realize it was all around me all that time.  All I had to do was sit quietly, be of service and give that gift to others.  “Few things — no things that I know of — are so completely and effectively restorative as the discovery that this World of the environing Spirit is verily closer to us than breathing and is charged with the resources of Life for which we pant.”(Rufus Jones)

Sigh

  I was just reading some of my previous journal entries and what stood out to me was my comment that “simply being “Charlie” for a day is a workout for me” and today I feel that.  I can also look back at all the “gifts” I have been given.  This evening I have some pain, muscle aches and simple tiredness.  Today I have also felt God, love, eternity and the living, loving energy of the earth.  It’s important for me to remember that both are true and I cannot have one without the other.  My life continues and it’s time for bed and then getting up in the middle of the night to pray and meditate!

Choice

  There is no doubt that humans have an angry/fear based/aggressive side which  is liberally “fed” by activities such as most news programs, reports of severe weather or even many negative comments on social media platforms.  Those activities actually increase my feelings of anger, fear and aggression. Feelings which I do not enjoy.  It is also clear to me that we all have a love and compassion side which is supported or fed by activities such as forgiveness, serving others, heartwarming news stories or even the simple act of smiling.  I enjoy those feelings and make the choice of turning off the news after achieving some awareness of daily events.