Feelings Are Not Rational

The several people that I work with are all doing excellently, as am I, given my disability and age. I have also been learning recently that the scientific community and parts of the general culture are considering or investigating the efficacy of some of the practices I wrote about in my book and that I have been using for years. These are both situations that affirm what I am doing. On the other hand, tomorrow is the panel discussion of my book and that terrifies me. That makes no sense, but then "feelings are not rational". It is best for me to observe, be amused and keep moving on.

Meditation

As I described in my recovery meeting today, when I get up in the middle of the night, through my prayer and meditation I connect with the Absolute, a place of pure unconditional love and a place of knowing that everything is just perfect. In that place my disability and the associated pain, frustration and inconvenience does not even exist, a wonderful experience to have daily. It’s good for me to be reminded and keep in mind that I am not my body.

The Loving Response

At different times, each one of the three questions (would I do this in front of God?; is it really my responsibility?; will this increase the integrity of the universe?) is most significant. Recently the most important question has been the last. In general, any action based on love increases the integrity of the universe and any action based on fear does not. My impulse, at times, is to act in defense of my ego, a fear impulse which I choose not to act on. The loving response is difficult for me to determine since it frequently requires that I put my ego aside in favor of the long-term growth and well being of everyone involved. Arriving at the loving response usually requires meditation.

Attitude

Today was a day of fulfilling my daily duties while also keeping in mind the three questions (would I do this in front of God ?; is it really my responsibility ?; will this increase the integrity of the universe?). For today the last question was most important. I attempt to do things out of a loving attitude, realizing that it will increase the integrity of the universe. For example, even doing something like paper work or preparing for taxes can be done with a constructive, positive attitude.

Balance

This was a very "meat & potatoes" sort of a day, meaning I did several very simple, but necessary "living and functioning on this planet" type of things. I exercised, shoveled snow, went to a movie, paid bills and did some preparation for tax season, all simple direct and necessary. I did not do much of the intense connection or spiritual work that I usually do. This day was a break & it felt good, part of balance.

Focus

I have noticed a couple of times lately that I performed activities without being aware of what I was doing, without focus. I used to do that all the time like walking or driving somewhere while thinking of other things and not really being aware of what I was doing, going through life distracted and unaware. That no longer works for me and is a sign that I am doing too much. The other day I was distracted and unthinking while using a knife and ended up cutting myself fairly badly - a lesson I should pay attention to.

Being Social

This was a day of sharp contrasts for me. I had some experiences with individuals or very small groups of about five where I was able to connect with the people, truly enjoyed the experience and even found it invigorating. I love the feeling of connecting with others on a trusting, feeling and empathic level. I also had the experience of being in several groups of twenty or more, which I was able to tolerate and recognize the experience as part of the human condition. I am very sensitive to the energy around me and in the larger groups people are generally superficial, posturing and fearful of the impression they are making. Personal connection is difficult or impossible. As a result, I love being with people, but I am not social.