Detachment

A major part of my morning meditation and prayer is to "free me of the bondage of self" since it is only then that I can truly and objectively listen to guidance and be free to act accordingly. Yesterday I spoke of hurt, fear and anger and two days before I spoke of attachments, either of which can cause me to act out of self-interest, rather than the good of all, "increasing the integrity of the universe" as I say in my book. In addition, acting out of self-interest is fear-based and does not feel good. I have detached enough from self so that these impulses are mere whispers compared to earlier in my life, but they are still present.

Growth

Earlier in my adult life I was reacting to the events in my life out of hurt, fear and anger that I did not even realize I had. For example, as an assistant professor at a woman’s college I was very harsh, judgmental and demanding of my students and similar in my committee work. I thought my behavior to be right and proper and I was proud of my status and the way students feared me. I had no idea that my behavior at that time was due largely to residual hurt, fear and anger at the way I was raised. I was very much afraid of appearing incompetent and being judged. I then went through a lengthy period of increasing awareness and shedding the hurt, fear and anger. I still have high standards for myself but also know that if I try and fail - it is no failure at all. I love myself and everyone else and will do what I can to help us all grow. A position that no longer creates more fear.

Spiritual Path 2

I have found a tremendous sense of peace and freedom through detachment from worldly, temporal things together with a focus on love and eternal things. I began my growth process with an increased awareness of my attachments to material things. My awareness continued to expand and finally included my emotional attachments to my own story (history) and concept of self. I next began to realize how much those attachments were creating my own anxiety and restricting my growth. I began giving up those attachments and turning toward love and my sense of the eternal. I now encourage others to follow a similar path, in their own ways. "We do not return to wholeness through any one religion; we return through the Universal Christ. The Mysteries taught initiates that we first enter the path, then we follow the path, then we become the path." (Gloria D. Karpinski).

Spiritual Path

I have discovered and continue to discover many wonderful mystical things that I cannot see, touch or physically feel but are very real and impact what we know as physical reality. I learn through meditation and reading that others have discovered many of the same truths, which I find very reassuring. It would be comforting to be able to rely on the guidance and support of a teacher or mentor during my quest, a role I fulfill for many others. I gather through experience and meditation that’s not going to happen since, ultimately, it would discourage me from moving forward into unknown territory. In my efforts to find a teacher I have always run into their egos restricting and judging me when I questioned them or attempted to go into unknown territory. Meanwhile, I will continue to be open to the possibility, be careful not to discourage those I work with, and continue my path.

Connection

We are now making plans to visit Gettysburg, PA, probably next Monday and Tuesday, where to camp, tours, etc. I understand, through meditation, that there are many disturbed spirits there, much like I encountered in South Dakota. The spirits in SD were of Native people and these are of Caucasian with the tendency to impact living Caucasians. I gather that I can help the spirits come to peace and, through that action, impact similarly on the living population. This will be a strange and daunting task which I have been prepared for through my sweat lodge experiences. I keep recalling the word of Walsch when he said of God "Only when you’ve had enough of the separateness, enough of the illusion, enough of the loneliness and painfulness, will you seek to find your way home, and then you will find that I will be there — that I have always been there. All ways."

Acceptance

It’s a weird paradox but I am totally fine and at peace with the way my life is today and yet I fully expect it to change and will be fine with that as well. Over the last several years I have been given many gifts, some spectacular like my near death experience and being with God, others have been quiet like the transformation that I have been going through recently. Most notably I have aligned myself with the force I call God and I feel very good about that. Saint Faustina puts it well in her diary: "Neither graces, nor revelations, nor raptures, nor gifts granted to a soul make it perfect, but rather the intimate union of the soul with God. These gifts are merely ornaments of the soul, but constitute neither its essence nor its perfection. My sanctity and perfection consist in the close union of my will with the will of God. God never violates our free will. It is up to us whether we want to receive God’s grace or not. It is up to us whether we will cooperate with it or waste it."