Death

During my recovery meeting today someone mentioned a young person who had died from drugs a few days ago and I mentioned the death of my family members who had died similarly. As a result, death has been on my mind today. I do not think that death is something to be feared any more than any change makes us uneasy. I have been with several people when they died and I have had a "Near Death Experience". During my N.D.E. I was told "this is what it feels like to be dead", a feeling of extreme and overwhelming unconditional love. It strikes me that death is a transition to a different state — and that feeling was wonderful.

Listening

Tonight the words of Patricia Loring jumped out and caught my attention as I perused my list of quotes. She wrote "Our awareness develops in the context of prayer, our communication with God—not only as we address God but as we learn to listen for God." What caught my attention was not the God or prayer part — but the need to listen, not just during prayer time but listening to the Universe during all my activities. By Listening I mean paying attention to aches and pains, comments of others, changes in my environment and feelings while letting go of expectations, distractions, attachments and desires, a tall order. The constant noise of my own thoughts make it hard to listen. It helps me to remember that as far as the created order "Nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all".

Change

The theme for my recovery meeting today was change and one person spoke of a dream she had in which her internal change was symbolized somewhat violently. I told her that it was a great dream and that I had several dreams symbolizing change, sometimes quite violently. In my case change often feels internally violent, a feeling expressed well in dreams with symbols, sometimes even murder. For example, changing my outlook from control and anger to love was extremely internally difficult for me and in one very vivid dream the process was symbolized by the bloody, bludgeoning murder of a rat, which is how it felt. I now have a very loving outlook but getting here was not easy. "Doing shadow-work means making a gentleman's agreement with one's self to engage in an internal conversation that can, at some time down the road result in an authentic self-acceptance and a real compassion for others."(Zweig and Abrams)

Holistic Health

In 1987 and the beginning of ‘88 I was having extreme movement difficulties and went to several Drs. in order to find out what was wrong, finally being diagnosed with cerebellar degeneration by a neurologist at Johns Hopkins hospital. At that point it was clear that the medical community could not help me so I began using a holistic approach and took on the task myself. I now focus my life on health, healing, unconditional love and being of service. I use visualization and meditation several times daily. I constantly push myself to be active and to do as much as I can. For example, I now mow the lawn (slowly!) with a push mower, something I could not do a few years ago. I also exercise 5-6 times a week using an exercise bike, treadmill, free weights and calisthenics and walk very slowly, unaided. In spite of the dismal prognosis I was given, it is now thirty years later and I have difficulties, but I am doing pretty well. Recently I have gone to another neurologist and found that he still does not believe in the approach which has worked for me for thirty years – sigh. "You create a path of your own by looking within yourself and listening to your soul, cultivating your own ways of experiencing the sacred, and then practicing it. Practicing until you make it a song that sings you."(Sue Monk Kidd)

Clarity

For the last several days I have felt lost and groundless because of changes taking place inside me, developing a clearer awareness of what is. This afternoon I just felt gratitude. I have a wonderful life, which includes getting older, disability, pain, connection with all that is, love and gratitude. In the words of Jack Kornfield; "To love fully and live well requires us to recognize finally that we do not possess or own anything---our homes, our cars, our loved ones, not even our own body. Spiritual joy and wisdom do not come through possession but rather through our capacity to open, to love more fully, and to move and be free in life." I have learned to agree with that point of view. He goes on to say; "The happiness we discover in life is not about possessing or owning or even understanding. Instead, it is the discovery of this capacity to love, to have a loving, free and wise relationship with all of life. Such love is not possessive but arises out of a sense of our own well-being and connection with everything."

New Years

It’s New Years Eve and I am thinking that the conditions on this earth we depend on would be very different if we all behaved according to that infinite, eternal loving force or God seed, I spoke of yesterday. On the other hand, taking a more eternal view, everything is moving along just fine, perfect even! Both views are true, and part of me. I was aware today that I have one foot in the present, what "is", and the other in the eternal, "ought". As a result, I feel very much anchor-less. "it is certain that in a person the ought goes beyond the is, the vision of the potential makes the present actual unsatisfying and insufficient."(Rufus Jones)