I am 2

For the last day or so, I have been very conscious of acting out of the God part of me or the "I am" part, the part that feels, as Williamson says, "powerful beyond measure." I am very aware that the power within that part actually stems from something outside of me, but it still feels like "dancing with a thousand pound gorilla", scary and daunting. There is a grrreat deal of healing and love there so I am committed to the experience and what it means.

I Am

Having gotten more in touch with the "I am" or essence part of me, as I described yesterday, I feel much stronger emotionally and spiritually. I also find the feeling a bit scary and daunting because, as Williamson says "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone."

Waking Up

I have found myself saying to several people recently and in the past that "you are a great deal more than you think you are", because of my sense that if each of them would get in touch with their own essences, their God parts, that they would be much more than "their little selves" (Claremont deCastillejo). I realized today that the same is true with me, and now I will begin to figure out what to do with that. The realization came because of my book, today’s men’s group, the agency where I get most of my referrals and the promotion of my book. My way of acting within each venue will have to change. Time to meditate and contemplate that.

Holiday Season

Today in our recovery meeting we talked about getting through the holiday season with minimal stress and no drinking. I realized that I now enjoy the holiday season, which for me usually includes some fellowship, gratitude, a feeling of love for all things, periods of peaceful solitude and no gift giving or drinking. What I just described is quite a change from how the holidays used to be for me and represents years of change. There was a period when I just did not do holidays, realizing that they caused me stress. I now enjoy the community and feeling of gratitude.

Grief & Gratitude

Today I was grieving the loss of the close friend I spoke of yesterday. The aspect that was notable about the grieving process was that I chose to just experience it and let it be rather than trying to distract myself or push through it. I was in an indecisive fog most of the day, mixed with periods of gratitude for my life. I just took it easy, did not make any major decisions, paid some bills and did some cooking, just general life stuff. When I comment that I was in an indecisive fog what I mean is that I did not care enough about what seemed like the little matters of life to make any decisions about them and I was good with that.

A Sacred Time

When I was nine or ten the city I was living in was periodically spraying the local trees with, what I now know to be DDT. All I knew at that age was that they were using "big orange trucks" and that their spraying was killing the insect eating birds (I did tell my parents what was happening but was dismissed since I was a child and had no proof). At that time, my family and I had a reputation of rescuing baby or injured animals. After one such round of spraying a neighbor woman brought a sick robin to me and asked me to care for it. Because of its symptoms I knew the bird had been poisoned and would die. I told the woman that the bird would be fine. After the woman left I put the bird out of its misery saying "go in peace little bird". This afternoon I had the privilege of sitting and praying with a woman who was about to die and what I kept thinking and said to her was "go in peace little bird". I then introduced her to the loving and welcoming spirits in the room that I could feel but not see. She died a short time later. The whole process was quite an honor.

Difficult Times

With friends having trying times, getting serious illnesses and dying I find it hard to keep a peaceful or even joyful view of life. From my own experiences and the resultant growth I have realized that life on this planet is frequently difficult, but ultimately leads to feelings of love, peace, gratitude and compassion. In my own life I have found true what Walsch says, that "For each circumstance is a gift, and in each experience is hidden a treasure." I have also come to realize that as Jampolsky says "death is a transition". I also go through the very human feelings of loss and grief.