Joy

This evening I was reading in Marcelle Martin’s book Our Life is Love: The Quaker Spiritual Journey, about what the original Quakers called "Living in the cross", or living and acting within God’s will. I lead a life based on being of service and have given up many of the ego pleasures she described. I participate in minimal distractions and focus on carrying out God’s will, not mine. I cannot say that I suffer since I simply accept my lot in life as "what is" but I do experience pain. I also experience tremendous joy in my life which comes from living a life of Love and following guidance. In response to the question of how I’m doing, I generally say that my body is a mess and I have a wonderful life. I focus on the joy I feel.

Meditation

Usually when I meditate I continue to be semi-conscious and partially aware of my surroundings so that if someone speaks to me I know it and can choose to respond, though usually I do not. I generally have feelings of peace, love and well being and am usually focused on some question or topic. Each session usually lasts twenty to thirty minutes, sometimes longer. Today I was having a difficult day emotionally and physically while dealing with my demon of low self-worth mentioned two days ago. In order to more thoroughly explore my internal conflict I used a form of meditation where I am not conscious of my surroundings and appear to be asleep but I am sorting out the question I started with. This particular session lasted two hours and in the past, similar sessions have gone on for three hours, though they always seem like minutes to me. I have the clarity I was seeking and feel much better.

Dragons

What a "coincidence"! Yesterday I wrote of continuing whispers of feelings of low self worth left over from my youth and today I found myself talking about my past "dragons" coming back to haunt me. It’s important for me to not believe those whispers and even laugh at them as old and familiar companions. I would also like to remember that in God’s eyes I am perfectly imperfect, growing and learning. "The Lord explained that it was needful that he [George Fox]’should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?"

Internal Conflict

Today I am dealing with a totally irrational internal conflict between being a loving person who represents joy to many people and feelings of low self worth which apparently stems from childhood. On one hand I feel wonderful about my life and spontaneously radiate Love and joy as described yesterday. That part of me is present and dominates my life most of the time. There is also a quiet part of me that is apparent some days which has a low opinion of self. That part of me is stuck on the many years of my youth when I was unpleasant, hurt and angry. The best process for me is to acknowledge my past and not let it impact the present, which I do most of the time.

Joy

Two days ago on Sunday before our period of silent worship a friend was relating a poem about finding events that bring joy and she said "seeing your face does that for me". I was pleased and surprised. I am aware that I radiate Love, especially during times of worship and she could feel that. Similarly, when I go grocery shopping on Monday mornings I often encounter young women with their babies. I spontaneously beam love at them and the babies and often the moms show the same joy. We all exchange glances and sometimes words within that loving atmosphere. The encounters are brief but very satisfying and it is wonderful for me to have that impact on people. "The fruits of the Spirit [tests if leadings are divine in origin] have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’" (Galatians 5:23 NJB)

Meditation

When I meditated tonight I felt an especially strong connection to that Loving, healing power and presence I call God. The feeling was right on the verge of overwhelming, almost more than I could deal with. I visualized flying over the earth in this area and covering it in a bubble of love, dispelling any negative energies. There was also a recognition that the current darkness is necessary for the responding release of light and Love. "The Lord explained that it was needful that he [George Fox]’should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?’ Then followed the critical experience: ‘I saw the infinite love of God. I saw that there was an ocean of darkness and death, but an infinite ocean of light and love which flowed over the ocean of darkness. In that also I saw the infinite love of God; and I had great openings"