When I began my recovery from a self-destructive, addictive life, I had no intention of ever following any sort of a spiritual path. I found the very idea of God or a “Higher Power” of any sort to be a source of irritation and a sign of weakness, fine for others but I was clearly better than that. After all, I was also a highly trained, intellectual scientist and emotionally much stronger than the weak minded souls who depended on such things. I had no need of that! As often happens, I was forced by my physical, emotional and spiritual pain to take a clearer look at my life. It was obvious that I needed to make some changes and I thought that it would be a good idea to give spirituality a chance, that there might be something to it that could help me feel better.
Before I go any further, I should clarify that when I say anything about my “following a spiritual path”, I am referring to my own conscious decision or choice, with awareness and intent, attempting to advance spiritual understanding and connection. In the process of my own journey it has become clear to me that in being alive on this planet, we are, each of us, on a spiritual path, whether or not we know it, believe it or intend it. The process of life, by design, results in spiritual growth, though, to us, it may not look or feel like it.
Within my recovery process since my initial resistance, I have had several “spiritual awakenings”, some quiet and internal and some miraculous that shook my foundation. The end result is that I have become convinced that there is really some loving force or power within the Universe. I now choose, for simplicity, to call that power God, though, as far as I can tell, the name used does not matter. Basically, that power or force has saved and/or changed my life many times and I would be foolish and very close minded to not admit there is something there and that I am better off joining with that power for my daily activities. I have now turned my life over to the support and guidance of that power. My devotion is total and my gratitude is immense. I have gone through a 180 degree turn around due largely to the love I found there. My life is now wonderful, often magical and very fulfilling.
I think it important to note that though I have a high level of certainty of the existence of that power and my devotion is total, I also do not even attempt to understand or define it. Typically, as a scientist and member of this culture, I have used definitions to confine and control things, make them seem manageable, something I do not wish to do with my concept of God. I come to, what I think of as, a clear understanding of things that are equal to or less than myself, things that fit into a linear, cause and effect paradigm. My concept of God or a loving force in the Universe does not fit within that paradigm.
Additionally, I wish to point out, emphatically, that, in my case and much to my surprise, following a spiritual path was neither fun nor easy much of the time. This path, in fact, has required a great deal of emotional strength and endurance. The spiritual path is definitely a “path with heart” and very fulfilling - but also difficult. In my case, I have had to face and come to peace with several internal “demons” that would otherwise have blocked my process. Facing and coming to peace with my own “demons” has been a vital, but not at all enjoyable part of my spiritual path.
One of the biggest difficulties of following this path is that it requires suppressing the ego, a part of each of us which is so necessary and useful for life on this planet. In general, I consider the ego to be a valuable tool for navigating through day-to-day life. I have also found it to be an impediment to being open to a firm, conscious, daily spiritual connection. In order to explain what the process of suppressing the ego feels like to me, I have used the analogy of my being the cabin boy on a ship that I own, with something or someone that I cannot identify steering and deciding where we will go and what we will do. I ask for guidance and support several times daily and usually attempt to do what I am told, though sometimes I still hold back.
During and through the practices I mention here, elsewhere in this blog and through my near-death-experience I have encountered an unconditionally loving, conscious, all-knowing, compassionate and understanding power. That power loves me enough to allow me to go through difficult or painful situations if they promote growth. The growth is a gift which is always there, if I look for it. That power is now allowed or surrendered to as part of my life. The power was always there, but I did not allow it.
At the present time (2026), I am 77, retired and living within or in partnership with the power I spoke of. A magical way to live. Because of that power I am able to accomplish many wondrous things, and I hope the same for others.
I am working on recovery (becoming symptomless) from cerebellar degeneration/atrophy ,my disability. Part of the magic of this way of life is that between that power (God?) and myself, I have already recovered completely from hypothyroidism, P.V.C.s and a heart arrhythmia, reflex-sympathetic-dystrophy, athletes foot and assorted burns and bruises. I have partially recovered from tinnitus. As a result of my practices I have only been sick twice in the last 17 years. I had a cold which lasted 4-5 days and I had a case of pink-eye which lasted a week, with longer lasting effects.
I also follow the guidance of that power in order to work with dead and living people in an effort to promote their growth, understanding and love.
Actions and beliefs such as judgement, criticism and sin are no longer part of my world since they are not part of the unconditional love I have been taught. These concepts are not part of the force/power I know as God, though they are sometimes ascribed to he/she/it. These ideas are unquestionably human so they creep into my life periodically and remind me that I am not done yet.