Happiness

  I cannot say that I feel what I think of as happy but I do feel complete or fulfilled and am aware of being connected in a very loving way to everything and everybody.  I think of happy as that giddy, carefree feeling of a child laughing while riding on a merry-go-round.  The feeling I live within is much deeper than that.  “I tell you, I am in every flower, every rainbow, every star in the heavens, and everything in and on every planet rotating around every star.  I am the whisper of the wind, the warmth of your sun, the incredible individuality and the extraordinary perfection of each snowflake.  I am the majesty in the soaring flight of eagles, and the innocence of the doe in the field; the courage of lions, the wisdom of the ancient ones.” (Walsch)

Being Rather Than Doing

  I plan to spend much of this day focused on simply being myself, meaning prayer and meditation on gratitude and love, things I can do readily during covid-19 isolation.  Being disabled I find that if I focus on “doing” rather than “being” I am likely to be aware of what I cannot do or how slow I am.  If, instead, I focus on being then my disability does not hamper me, as long as I accept it without fighting.  I tend to be concerned that I will not be physically able to do what is asked of me and my meditation made it clear that I need not worry — just be Charlie.  I can do that!  “It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some, novel and previously unimagined course.” (Patricia Loring)

Choice

  Today I find myself conflicted, on the one hand I really like the person I have become and on the other hand I wish I was more “normal”, able and inclined to perform the average activities of a husband and person on this planet.  Long ago I asked to see things the way God does and I keep pushing myself to be more.  I now see things through the eyes of love and eternity.  I do things that others think impossible and have become the exception I have mentioned before, behaving outside the norm.  Being the exception also means leaving average behind.  I cannot do both and I have made my choice.  "Only a few achieve the colossal task of holding together, without being split asunder, the clarity of their vision alongside an ability to take their place in a materialistic world." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Gratitude

last evening, after dinner, my lack of coordination coupled with my over-reaction caused me to spill and throw across the kitchen about half a quart of water, creating quite a mess.  Maria, my wife, is not here so I went about moving things out of the way and toweling everything down, taking over an hour since I move slowly.  I did so with a very matter-of-fact attitude, rather than getting angry — It had to be done.  This morning I feel a lot of gratitude that I was physically able to do it.  I offered thanks.  “He should learn to remain in God’s presence with a loving attention and a tranquil intellect”, even though this seems like idleness to him.  Soon he will find little by little that a “divine calm and peace with a wondrous, sublime knowledge of God, enveloped in divine love, will be infused into his soul”.  (St. John)

 

Dealing With Life

  I feel a bit uneasy, which is unusual for me but it happens and it has my attention.  The fact that I am disturbed could mean that something important is going “wrong’ or it could mean that I am not doing enough meditation and self-care.  I have listened to some disturbing reports on NPR, the postal service is having problems and I am having billing difficulties with two of my creditors.  All factors that are compelling but trivial so I must need more meditation and peace time.....It is now later the same day and I did what I said so I now feel peaceful and balanced.