Connection

Many years ago, I learned that the therapeutic method used was not as important in a therapeutic relationship, as was the actual relationship, the connection between the client and the therapist.  For that reason, I have focused on acceptance, love and connection with my clients.  When I had completed my training I commented to one of my professors that I had learned many fine techniques that worked well when applied with love and did not work at all without it.  I have seen and experienced that an atmosphere of compassion, love and acceptance together with structure, guidance and boundaries, promotes growth and change in myself and my clients.

Paradox

It feels to me that our (Maria’s and mine) life is fairly solid, well grounded and more or less predictable, a pleasant feeling.  I am also quite aware that the feeling, at least as far as the earthly plane, is not in the least true, and I am good with both.  The feeling, my realization of the feeling being illusory and enjoyment of each, are all part of being awake and living in the present.  Paradox is fine - just part of life.

The Power Of Love

I spent the morning attending and participating in staff meetings at the place I work, as assistant clinical director, then the afternoon preparing meals for eating and freezing.  Both were activities that conventional wisdom predicted that I could not do.  I have had several people refer to me as an inspiration or their hero and this evening my wife said I was amazing.  The fact is that daily, weekly, monthly and yearly I am accustomed to reaching beyond my own capabilities.  I am able to do these things because of my alliance with the power/force that I call God or love.  It is useful for me to realize that I have also spent a good part of my life pursuing other, material, types of power, being self-destructive and inspiring no-one, so I know both sides, intimately.

Delusions

As I said yesterday, I was struggling for a while.  It struck me today that within a couple of hours, I saw the event as trivial, took responsibility for my part and did not create any new karma with an angry emotional outburst.  Later that evening, I began to smile and laugh about the incident.  All-in-all, that was a pretty good turn around time.
The topic in the recovery meeting I went to today was “delusions”.  I did not get called on but began reflecting on my own brain’s tendency to grasp on to various delusions, rather than simply see reality.  For example, the notion that “living right” or being of service would somehow protect me from the difficulties of being disabled and getting older, when in reality I know nothing about my future.  I find it better to attempt to look beyond the delusions, smile at my brain’s tendency and focus on the wonder of being alive, today.  If I do that, I realize that I have a wonderful life, stay in the present and enjoy it as it comes.

Struggling

I was struggling emotionally this afternoon and evening, after a mostly quiet and neutral day of paperwork, paying bills and exercise.  What happened is that I went to an office supply store to purchase a new shredder.  I had to go through a fairly lengthy period of explanation to several clerks, made quite a bit more difficult by my speech impediment.  They did not have the model I wanted in stock, so I went through the ordering procedure.  I then tried to pay and found out that they would not accept my check, so I said “fine” and left the store,  rather than use my credit card, which I had previously decided not to use.  I went to another store and purchased a shredder.
A short time later, I went to a recovery meeting and interacted with several friends only to fiend out that I could not really connect with or listen to them since I was preoccupied with the rather trivial events I had just been through.  I apologized for my preoccupation and put it aside. The events clearly illustrated to me how compelling (and useless!) the mind-chatter is.

Acceptance

Today was a day of exercise, solitude, meditation and self-care, very nice.  I started out the day feeling a bit drained and worn down after several days of connecting and being a conduit of love, empathy, understanding and compassion.  By the end of the day, I felt physically tired, from the exercise but emotionally and spiritually refreshed, from the other activities.
One of the highlights of the day was going into a wooded area, near our home, to be with the trees and woods in order to allow their vibrance to cleanse me.  When I left the car, I noted the skeletal backbone of a medium sized mammal that someone had placed in the branches of a nearby tree and, at the same time, felt called to sit and meditate in a nearby rocky area.  When we approached the rocky area my wife and I encountered the skeletal remains of an elk.  I then sat to meditate nearby.  My impression was of the “matter of fact”, “life and death” nature of life.  The suggestion was to accept it, be with it and let it flow through me.

Vibrance

A few years ago, as a result of my awakening process, I began to both see and feel the intense vibrance of the plants, animals and environment around me, quite an experience.  My increased ability to sense things seems to be part of connecting with them and is especially pronounced with other humans.  It is tempting to say that I am sensing the pulsing life force, but I can also sense it with rocks, mountains and deserts, things that are generally considered to be inanimate.  With things like rocks the vibrance is just different, slower, quiet and more solid.  My changing sense has certainly changed my relationship with trees and makes dawn on the desert a very intense experience.