Connections

I have been carefully molded, that is clear.  In many ways I am different than my peers and in other ways, I am just like them.  I walk in two worlds, this transient one, and the “other side”, the eternal one.  Many people have walked this path before and I thank them for their guidance.  I “play my piano and sing my little song”, meaning I go on being Charlie.
I just met briefly with one of my sponsees.  I was instantly, totally focused and connected with him and God.  It was not something I tried to do.  It happened automatically with no volition on my part.  At other times, I have actually tried to resist this sort of transition, thinking I was too tired.  I could not.  It is a magical experience and profound healing can and does take place.  Others feel it to and respond thinking I am doing it.  I am just being a listening conduit to God.  I also sweat profusely, my nose runs and it is exhausting to do it more than a couple of hours without a break.

Relationships Matter

Today I did lots of connecting and interacting, in a variety of settings.  A wonderful day.  I am reminded of what I learned in early recovery, that “nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all”.  Most material things in the created order fall in the second category, they don’t matter at all, in the long view.  Love and relationships are the only things that matter and they matter a lot.  However, considering eternity and the universal, any one specific relationship is not critical.  I use “Would I care about this if I were on my deathbed” as my measure of importance.

Healing Touch

When I performed a healing yesterday, I accessed the transcendental (beyond words and intellect) love/God energy that I was first taught about in the sweat lodge, when it was used on me to heal a burn.  What I do is recall the feeling of that time, and other similar times, fill myself with that energy, funnel the feeling into my hands and then transmit it to the other person.  I also use the same healing technique on myself, at least twice each day.  The results are quite remarkable, some say miraculous.  On myself, I have healed several conditions that, typically, would require surgery.  On others the results have been similar.  Sometimes the results are immediate, sometimes long-term, sometimes nothing happens.  I act as a conduit and the outcome is not up to me.
When I first began doing healing work, I would access the feeling of unconditional love in the manner described above.  I would visualize various items that evoked that feeling, like babies, small children or favorite pets.  After several years I began to access the powerful, supportive feelings associated with sacred sites I had visited, like Chaco Canyon, the Black Hills, Bear Butte, the Grand Canyon or the San Francisco Peaks.  I found the healing power of the sacred sites to be stronger than unconditional love.  I now use the transcendental energy mentioned above, since I have found it to be strongest.

Achieving Happiness

I encountered a man today that made it quite clear that he was very smart, a doctor and had all the answers.  He knew that the main reason his life was not working, was because others did not understand things the way he did.  He was also not happy and his son was distant, angry and drug dependent.  He was in a trap made for him by his own intellect, a totally miserable place to be.  I have been in a similar “trap”, having done everything that my culture and upbringing said would make me happy, and still being miserable.  I cannot speak for him but I was also bewildered and confused, since I had done everything “right” and still felt terrible.  It actually felt like the more I accomplished, the worse I felt, definitely not what I expected!
I did not achieve happiness until I took my intellect off of its pedestal, and put my focus on love, connection, compassion and understanding. That switch sounds easy and straightforward when I write about it, it was not.  The switch to a “softer” way of life took a lot of strength and courage.

Pain, useful but unpleasant

I have experienced a great deal of physical pain since my diagnosis with cerebellar degeneration in 1988.  My level of pain caused me to sweat, have rapid and shallow breathing and caused my heart rate to rise.  I did not enjoy it!  However, the pain did have long-lasting and positive results in that it was purgative and unitive, as Christians would say. My pain and near death experiences were purgative in that they caused me to let go of my attachments to most (all?) transient things within the created order.  Very cleansing.  I found my pain to be unitive in that my connection (prayer of silence, meditation, contemplation) with God, what I learned and the strength I got was the only thing that reduced the pain and made it bearable.
I have come to rely on infused prayer daily to provide me with the strength and knowledge to keep participating in life and being of service to those around me.  Quite honestly, I don’t think this life would have been possible without the pain or the “dark nights” that St. John describes.
The resultant connection with God and my current way of life, cause me to think that my pain was worth what I went through.  My pain, near death experiences and dark nights of the soul have been very effective at stripping away everything other than the eternal truths of selfless love, compassion, inclusiveness and the oneness of all things.  I don’t think my realizations and increased connection could have been accomplished any other way, in my case.

Balancing Male and Female Sides

There is a general imbalance of the male and female side in most people and that imbalance causes a lot of difficulty. What I have learned as the male side is very logical, linear, fairly concrete, aggressive and likes material things. The female side, on the other hand, is full of feeling, diffuse, intuitive, fairly passive and likes relationships. Our culture tends toward the male side, and so did I until I was around forty. My own imbalance caused me to feel incomplete and a bit hollow inside and I had no clue why since I kept pursuing what my culture told me would make me complete. Right now, I embrace both. I have learned to take delight in my intuitive, feeling, relationship side. I use them both daily, in pretty much everything I do. This approach is messier than the purely male approach, but a great deal more fulfilling.

Loving the Whole Person

A few years ago a friend of mine died.  He wanted to be considered a guiding light and a spiritual leader in our recovery community and, at the same time, he knew that view of him was based partially on illusion.  People then and now idolized him and he loved it when they quoted him at meetings.  On the other hand, I watched him steal some books from the Quaker meeting house where we hold some of our meetings.  I then encountered his anger and rage when I confronted him about the theft.  Later, he asked to work with me since he knew something was wrong in his life.  Through our talk it became quite apparent that he was distorting his past and, in part, living a lie.  He then made it quite clear that he intended to continue living the lie.  A short time after that he indicated that he would like to have lunch with me, but then declined to do so since I would tend to “pop his bubbles”.  In short, he was a very good man and also very complex and human.  I prefer to love and remember the whole man, not just the illusion that he and others would like to promote.  The illusion is simpler but not as real or complete.  I was able to connect with the whole man and, though it made him uneasy, he and I honored that.

Self-Care

I attended a meeting today that was about the difficulty of dealing with the clients I work with, young men in early recovery from addictions to various drugs and alcohol.  Generally, they lie, manipulate, are extremely self-centered and have frequent emotional out-bursts.  They are difficult to work with, but I enjoy the challenge and realize that I used to be much the same way.  I spend a great deal of time each day on self-care, in order to maintain a high level of ability to connect with these young men without judging them or losing myself in the process.

At that meeting was a close friend who knows how much I do each day in order to maintain my equanimity.  He asked “Is it worth it?”, a very good question.  I did not even know it was possible to achieve the level of connection that I achieve with these young men and, through that connection, I am able to change their lives.  So, in answer to his question and in order to do what I do, I would say “yes”.  However, for other people in different circumstances, the answer would probably be “no”.  There is a whole range of options between being totally wrapped up in the material world and the relatively monastic life I lead.  The best choice for most people would be one of those options.

Changes

I went to a movie today.  It was a pretty silly human interest story with chase scenes and some violence, engaging and entertaining and a good break from life's intensity.

Tonight it hit me that very soon, perhaps within six months or a year, my chewing difficulties will be part of the past.  The chewing problems have been part of my reality for the last two years.  The problems started out as quite intense and constant and now are only at mealtimes and pretty moderate, but still troubling.  When this first happened, I asked for the strength to deal with it and to be taught what I needed to know to change it.  I was given both.  I have been guided, through meditation, to use a variety of mind-body healing techniques, such as described in the first entry this month.  They have worked, though not as quickly as I would like.

When I realized the problems would be gone soon I felt a mixture of immense gratitude and some sadness.  Such life changes always seem to be associated with some sadness because of moving on.  I experience the same sort of sadness whenever a period of connection/interaction is over, like working with a family for a couple of hours or participating in the fellowship before, during and after one of my recovery meetings.

Creation and Treatment of Sacred Sites

Much has been made of the conflict between the idea of snow making using recycled water on the San Francisco Peaks versus those that oppose it based on the peaks being sacred land.  Apparently the only reason to pursue snow making is to promote skiing, recreation and making money.  I generally stay clear of this sort of argument, since, to me, it seems to serve no purpose in my life, other than to stir up drama, which I don't need.  The reason I choose to consider the topic is that the subject has come up with my friends and within the sweat lodge.  To me, the question of what is best for the people, this planet and God/spirits, is important.

As far as I can tell, all land is sacred.  The designation of certain pieces of land as sacred is similar to designating certain days of the year as more important than others.  In that such designation promotes awareness, it is a good thing, if a little silly.  I find the emphasis on money and material pursuits over treating the planet as a sacred and limited resource, to be very disturbing.
 

God and the spirits exist within the absolute of love, compassion and connectedness.  Within that absolute there is no question of desecrating the earth the way humans have been doing.  The issue simply does not come up, if a person follows the absolute.  We tend to be self-centered, entitled and short-sighted as a species.  God and the spirits seem to know that.  Isn’t that part of being human?