Unconditional Love

Through my connection with God, I have learned a great deal more about love, particularly unconditional love.  Within the unconditional love of God it does not seem to matter if I curse God, am apathetic, do self-destructive things or question God’s very existence - the love is still there.  I seek to do the same, to have my love be selfless.  One of the people I work with is/was angry with me, and let me know it.  While he talked to me, I felt nothing but a strong love for him and explained that I said what I said out of love for him and strictly for his welfare.  The whole exchange was a bit strange, but he seemed to understand.  I do enjoy the interactions more when people like me, but I don’t let that alter my behavior.  It is about them, not me.

Enlightenment & Mastery

Enlightenment and mastery are concepts based on duality, and within the absolute they have no meaning.  These concepts, helpful as they can be, are based on judgments, ego and separateness, which is why I choose not to use them.  These concepts represent parts of myself that I would rather not encourage, parts that separate me from others.  I much prefer the feeling of being part of the “oneness” of all things.
Within the absolute there are different levels of awareness for different souls or essences but they are all also part of the greater whole or God.  God and they are all one within the isness. but there is only isness.  Things simply are or they are not.  I can’t say that I completely grasp the ideas that I just expressed, I am too wrapped up in duality!  Understanding is not required.

Pain as a Signal

Pain, to me, is an indication that things are not right, a signal that something could be different and result in less pain.  I have had a great deal of pain during the last twenty five years which did bring me much closer to God, as Catholicism maintains, and, through God, I did encounter a very powerful source of physical healing.  Now, having gone through what I went through, my connection with God continues to get stronger while the pain has subsided and, much of the time, is no longer there.  The pain was a good indication of what was wrong in my life, physical healing has taken place and continued pain has no value.  In my case I needed to make use of the medical profession for some things and then learn to turn away for others, a process of choice which required considerable guidance.  Generally, if the pain lessened and physical healing took place, I knew I had made the right choice.  I also needed to investigate and then turn away from my own tendency toward self-deprecation.  I then needed to turn towards compassion, love and God.  When I clear away my own blocks, then turn to compassion, love and God there can be physical and emotional healing.  The pain then dissipates and/or  vanishes.

Respectful Listening

December 12, 2012
A day of contrasting views of me and my disability/speech impediment.  I spent my morning in various staff and clinical meetings.  My opinion was solicited many times and it was quite apparent that I was respected, though people found me hard to understand at times.  When I got home I found out that the electrical company I had called for a repair to the wiring for my hot-tub would not be coming out.  Maria had called them and they told her that they had a policy of not working on hot-tubs, so she got the name of another company.  I had called them two days earlier, explained the problem and asked if they were the correct people to call.  They said they would be out later that day.  They did not come or call.  It was as if they were thinking “tell him what he wants to hear and just get him off the phone.  He is not bright enough to make a problem for us, and he probably won’t even remember”, an attitude which I get often, usually in person, and the look and body language express that kind of sentiment, though I obviously don’t know what they were really thinking.  Later today we had a men’s group, where I was once again respected.  Both scenarios happen frequently and it certainly keeps me humble, and alert!  The negative response used to make me angry and I tried to counter it, to no avail, now I just take note.  Not many years ago, I would have responded to me and my speech much the same.  Respectful listening and compassion feel much better.

December 13, 2012
Quite a contrast to yesterday!  A guy came out to look at and fix the hot-tub.  He was very courteous and respectful.  He clearly went out of his way to be helpful and of service, very refreshing.

Being Mindful

Typically, I spend one day a week, Sunday, exercising, doing household things and relaxing.  As usual, I spend the first four or five hours, beginning at 2:00 A.M., with a combination of prayer, meditation and contemplation.  Today was that day.  The first part of the day is focused, vital and meaningful.  The rest of the day, the exercise part, is important since I am caring for my body, but I allow my brain to wander pretty freely and it is certainly entertaining to watch and not to be taken seriously.  I find that my brain can go from grandiose to self-deprecating in a heartbeat.  It is particularly dangerous when I get stuck at one extreme or the other.  Not a good time to make decisions.  Today I just wandered back and forth.  It is best for me to be mindful.

Working With Others

Today, I cried tears of extreme gratitude tinged with sadness, both because of being involved with the power of God/love, and watching someone move on.  A few days ago I wrote an entry that made it clear that having my life revolve around God and love had saved my life.  Today, a woman who is moving out of state and on with her life, made it clear that God and love, through me, had saved and altered her life.  She, like many others before her, was extremely grateful.  It is a wonderful gift to be part of that, to get my own ego out of the way, and act as a conduit.

“A true Master is not the one with the most students, but the one who creates the most Masters.
A true leader is not the one with the most followers, but the one who creates the most leaders.
A true king is not the one with the most subjects, but the one who leads the most to royalty.
A true teacher is not the one with the most knowledge, but the one who causes the most others to have knowledge.
And a true God is not One with the most servants, but One who serves the most, thereby making Gods of all others.
For this is both the goal and glory of God: that his subjects shall be no more, and that all shall know God not as the unattainable, but as the unavoidable.”  p 114

from Conversations with God, an uncommon dialogue, book 1, by Neale Donald Walsch, G. P. Putnam’s Sons, New York, 1996

Becoming Willing

The recovery meeting today was about willingness and I mentioned that now I am totally willing to do what ever God guides me to do, but that has not always been so.  Since the meeting, I have been reflecting on the process I have been through in becoming more willing.
I have been through a variety of very difficult and often painful experiences in the past twenty seven years, which have gradually brought me to a compete reliance and a partnership with God.  My growing relationship with God was the only thing I found that made my physical situation better,  or even tolerable at times.  I recall the last instance most clearly and am still coming out of it.  At my lowest point, I had several open sores in my mouth that were all periodically bleeding and could only halt the continuous spastic movement of my jaw during sleep or deep meditation.  I was in a lot of pain from biting my cheeks and tongue several times a day.  I had extreme difficulty with talking and eating, the doctors were prescribing palliative pain meds and telling me to do things like giving up on ever driving again.  They had clearly decided that I was done with any sort of functional life.  At that point, I got down on my knees, crying, early one morning and asked for the strength to deal with what was happening and the guidance necessary to recover from my condition.  Against all odds, I have gotten both.  Immediately after asking/praying, as described above, I felt both the strength and guidance in my life and that continues today.
It is now,  just over two years later.  I have minimal or no pain and bite myself only occasionally and never as seriously as I used to.  My jaw is now relaxed except when I eat or speak and I still have problems with speaking and eating but not like I did.   For obvious reasons, my commitment to the power/source that did that is total.  I also continue to spend several hours a day being with that power, which I choose to call God and continue to pursue my own healing.

Labels & Helping Others

I am Charlie and I know some things, a statement that I am comfortable with.  For some reason, which I do not understand, I am not comfortable with referring to myself with any sort of label like elder, mystic, Bodhisattva or master.  I even have difficulty writing of them here, as if they will confine or describe me.  I am fine with others using those labels and realize that I fit the profile. I am not sure why I have been shown/told the things that I know, other than to pass them on, which I do daily.  I enjoy who I am and what I know and I wish others could see the world the way I do.  I love everything and everybody.  I am passionate about doing everything I can to pass it on.  I want to change the way people relate to the world that supports us.
I get a great deal of joy out of watching myself or others grow and change.  If I play a role for others, it is better for me if my role is not acknowledged or even realized, partly because I like praise too much and partly because “a master craftsman leaves no trace”.  It is also better for the other person if they think they came to see things differently strictly on their own.

Results of a Holistic Approach

A great day!  I did not go into town.  Most of the day was spent doing some sort of exercise, interspersed with relaxation, talking with Maria, computer work and contemplation.  The day began at 2:00 A.M., with several hours of prayer and meditation.  I began my exercising at around 6:30 and finished around 3:30, a combination of free weights, calisthenics and exercise machines.  I have been pushing pretty hard to increase my exercising and stamina.  Not bad considering where I started.  Admittedly, it has been twenty-four years of slow progress and determination.  I recall in P.T. in ‘88, I was learning to crawl and tried to get on a stair-stepper but just crumpled to the floor, unable to hold myself up or perform the necessary movements.  I started my exercise program with 0.3 miles on an exercise bike, with no resistance.  I also recall the dr. warning me, very seriously, that my ability to exercise would be limited by atrophied muscles.

Gratitude

Today I have a renewed awareness of the delicate balance I maintain between acknowledging and accepting the negative aspects of my life versus being grateful for the positive things.  This balance is something I have been aware of many times in the past.  It is easy for me to fall into feeling negative about the events in my life.  The fact is, feeling negative is neither pleasant nor particularly realistic.  Gratitude feels much better and there are always numerous things to be grateful for.  For example, I have had several people ask today about my shoulder pain, which is fairly minor at this point but still present.  They asked me to explain it, which I did in fair detail.  As a result, I ended up being more aware of the pain than I usually am and I began feeling negative.  The fact is my pain or discomfort now can be largely taken care of with ibuprofen and was quite a bit worse even a few short weeks ago.  Additionally, there are other aspects of my life that are just wonderful and some are very unusual within the human experience.  Like I said, it feels better to be grateful!