Awakening

I have been reflecting a lot on the emotional “waking up” process that I went through and, subsequently have witnessed and/or assisted in others.  Prior to my recovery process, I had no idea that many of my actions were driven by feelings from events that occurred during my formative yeas of one to ten.  For example, when in my early twenties and after being a rebellious teen, I decided to start doing things “right” so I began to do well in school, follow intellectual pursuits and generally do all of the activities that other people approved of, especially my parents.  The results were doing very well in school, a Ph.D., a highly responsible job, anger, depression and a feeling of “is this all there is?”.  I was not happy and had no clue why since I had done everything “right” according to what I had learned, a position I have now witnessed in many others.
During my recovery, I have been exploring and getting to know my spiritual and emotional sides.  As a result, I am no longer angry or depressed and I feel balanced.  I have discovered many riches there!

Balance

In most developed or developing nations, there is a clear cultural and educational bias in favor of material and intellectual development over the emotional and spiritual.  In my case and many of the people I work with, this imbalance has contributed to serious problems, such as depression, self-destructive behaviors, rage and various addictions.  Typically, as in my case, people do not try to correct their imbalance until their life conditions get pretty bad, some sort of internal and/or external crises.  Unfortunately (?), I had to go through some pretty unpleasant times before “waking up”.  I will continue to do all I can to help others “wake up” without their going through similarly difficult times.

Prayer & Meditation

It is now a bit before 2:30 A.M., part of the time each day that I devote to prayer, meditation and being with that power/force that I call God.  For some reason, it is this period each day that I am closest to God and make my strongest connection.  During this time, I frequently get instructions on how to conduct myself during the coming day and, occasionally, I am even told what will happen during the interactions that will take place, if that is important for me to know.  I also receive a great deal of physical, emotional and spiritual support during this period.  I begin this devotional period every day by acknowledging, internally, that I cannot do the things I do each day without the support and guidance I get during this time.  My being alive, quite literally, depends on this time each day and my connection with that power/force I call God.
When I was working full time, my period of prayer and meditation began at 5:00 A.M. and went until 6:00.  After I partially retired my starting time gradually shifted to 4:00, then 3:00 and now 1:30 to 2:00.  I never set an alarm and have tried, unsuccessfully, several times to sleep beyond that time.  I, now, just accept it, and know that even if I get little sleep, it will be just fine and I will be taken care of..

Symptoms

The book Alcoholics Anonymous speaks of the pathological use of alcohol as being “a symptom”, which I have also found to be true with both alcohol and drugs in the years of my own recovery and,additionally, having assisted numerous other alcoholics and addicts.  I don’t mean that underlying issues are the cause of addictive tendencies, which seem to be physiological, but that pathological use is generally, in part, a method of coping with those issues.  The A.A. program emphasizes a spiritual solution and, I also emphasize things like love, individuation and connection, ideas that could certainly benefit from more education and cultural support.  These approaches address the causes of pathological use.  Criminalization or the use of legal chemicals like methadone attempt to address only the symptoms, and do not appear to work very well.

Life

Maria and I met at the bank today in order to arrange my business accounts in such a way that she will have easy access in the event that I take a downturn in health.  While there, I noticed that the young man (perhaps 37) who was assisting us seemed to be a bit restless.  He talked of buying and selling various fast cars and properties as well as some frustrations over the weather and sports teams, all pretty normal conversation.  I also know of several older individuals who do same sorts of things and talk similarly.  The reason I took note of this, is that I do not say or do similar things and I feel at peace with conditions the way they are.  I readily acknowledge that my life is different than what I would call ideal, there are numerous challenges but it is also wonderful and it is what it is.

Living One Day At A Time

Today I am in a strange position in all aspects (intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically) of my life.  On the one hand, I am aware that I know and can do many things, a great deal more than I thought I was capable of.  On the other hand, today I am acutely aware of how little I know or can accomplish, when faced with the reality of what actually exists, in the various aspects of life.  I realize that I know and understand only a little.  I think it best to continue living one day at a time, stay in the present, do my best and to continue acting out of love and faith.

Labels

I could apply any of various labels to myself (alcoholic, scientist, enlightened, mystic, etc.) and they all describe certain aspects of me.  For example, describing myself as an alcoholic, which I do on occasions, says that my body reacts in a particular way when it encounters alcohol or referring to myself as enlightened would indicate that I experience delight in the human condition and realize my relation to eternity.  The draw-back to using any of these labels, and the reason I tend not to use them, is that they tend to also indicate that I am done, having reached some sort of goal or endpoint.  The only label that I am comfortable with is “I am Charlie”.  I don’t think I am done, in fact I have just begun.

Healing

A couple of weeks ago I noticed a very dark, almost black, blemish on my forearm that had not been there before.  It was roughly circular and a bit less than half an inch in diameter.  I was concerned, and I will never know for sure since I did not get a biopsy, because the blemish looked like a melanoma.  I incorporated healing that area in my daily healing activity and it is now almost completely gone, a capability that I suspect others have as well.  I have certainly taken note of the whole process as being of some significance.  One fact that has not escaped me is that things like this, typically, do not happen to me without a very good reason, I wonder what that reason is.

Listening

Listening has been on my mind a lot lately, partly because it is the central theme I will use in a coming retreat, partly it just keeps coming up in conversations.  Listening, really being open to input from the plants, animals, other humans, my own body/emotions/spiritual connections and the earth itself, requires focus.  It used to be that I only got glimpses, now I am better at being open (about 70%) and listening.  I have always liked and followed the comments by  Claremont deCastillejo,  “if we can learn to listen to the voices within and to the whisper in the wind, with trust as well as with discrimination, we may be able to follow the road where the Rainmaker walks."

Harmony

On a good day, like today, it feels to me like I am working with God to help other people grow and change, a very pleasant sensation.  It is quite clear to me that I need not understand what or why I am doing what I do.  It is important that I stay in harmony and act out of love, and be as egoless /selfless as possible.  The way I do that is through having a period of focusing my intent and then prayer and meditation every morning before I start my day.  When I was working full time, that period varied in length from twenty minutes to an hour daily, and now that I am partially retired, that period has expanded to four hours.  Doing that daily results in amazing synchronicities throughout the day.