Healing & Addiction

We had the beginning of a “family weekend” at the place where I get most of my referrals and, as frequently happens, I was reminded that addiction is a “family disease” having an impact on everyone in the family.  I was also reminded of the importance of love, support and connection for the healing process to take place.  I have accrued a great deal of information about the process of addiction, some anecdotal and some verified through scientific study.  I have found that without the presence of love, support, compassion and connection, the information means next to nothing in the healing process.

Vigilance

My recovery meeting today was about “vigilance”.  I commented that, for myself, the actions didn’t feel like vigilance - that they were simply part of my daily activities not something to struggle with or force myself to do.  I need to recognize things like getting older, being an addict/alcoholic, being disabled and having an active mind that can sabotage me.  Having recognized those things, there are actions I can take like daily exercise, staying away from addictive substances and meditating.  I have learned that if I do those things, I get to have a joyful and fulfilling life, if not I get pain, suffering and death; pretty simple.

Healing

During my recovery meeting today I reflected and spoke on the early years of my disability, when my physical condition was much worse.  Then, this evening I have been revising parts of my website, also reflecting on the many physical, emotional and spiritual changes and growth over the last twenty-seven years.  I am pleased with how far I have come and the person I have become, not bad.  I have had a lot of help and made a lot of meaningful connections along the way.

Overcoming Fear

Today I was asked permission to include some of my writing in the website for the Friends (Quakers), a thought that a few months ago would have produced a wave of fear.  My fear was caused by the thought of increasing my exposure and maximizing my potential.  Part of me felt that I was not worth it and that I would be punished if I tried.  This occasion was notable in that I gave permission, felt some pleasure at the thought and experienced no fear.  To me this is further evidence that fear is generally vapor with no real substance.

Response To Anger

This morning, I experienced some anger toward a person I was dealing with, wanting to take some action in order to “set them straight” and make it clear who they were dealing with.  Realizing that and knowing that my inclination was not a loving response which would definitely not “increase the integrity of the universe”, I took no outward action.  I have been through this many times before.  I meditated, asked for guidance and let the feeling pass.  After a while I arrived at some clarity about the action to take and went ahead.

Gratitude

Tonight I feel a lot of gratitude.  As always, I am aware that the conditions in my life could be a lot worse, but I am also aware that things are pretty good.  There are many of my friends or associates that are either dying or having difficult times, and I certainly have had difficult times in the past.  However, right now things are relatively harmonious and peaceful.  Today, I had periods of good connections with others and also periods of solitude.  I did some exercising, ate and slept well.  All in all, it was a good day.

Love Versus Fear

At times, it has been difficult for me to put my finger on any sort of definition of what it is to act lovingly versus reacting out of fear, so I have resorted to using a simple analogy.  To me, acting out of love has the feeling of a clear mountain stream; a feeling of clarity, cleansing and purity.  On the other hand, reacting to fear or even encountering it in someone or something else feels like a turbid, cloudy lake.  Fear feels polluted and less cleansing, though difficult to define.

Fear

In recent years I have learned to “hold hands with the dragon” of my fears.  It’s still a little strange to me because, on the one hand, I know my fears to be totally illusory and that they probably will never even happen.  On the other hand, they feel very real.  What I do is embrace the fears by feeling them, writing and talking about them.  While also laughing about them and referring to them as “vapor”, not to be taken seriously.  At this point in my life, that approach works for me.

Grief

Several years ago, a few years after my disability was diagnosed, when I still could not walk or stand unaided, my mother died.  As I said yesterday, I had different views about death and I also thought that my different views would mean that I could avoid the grieving process.  I was wrong, realizing now that grieving is a valuable aspect of life.  I wrote her a letter, which I burned and crawled down to the shore of a river to talk to her spirit.  I cried and told her what I needed to.  That was a wonderful part of the grieving process for me.  At that time a very special bird landed near me, listening to what I had to say - magical & meaningful.

Loss

The topic in today’s recovery meeting was “loss” and I chose to remain silent since my understanding was quite different from other members and I felt the need of sorting that out.  Using meditation, contemplation and talking with Maria, my wife, I have arrived at some clarity. During the meeting the participants spoke of getting older as a loss of options and the death of a loved one as a tragedy and a loss of options also.  From a purely physical perspective I realize that is true.  However, having experienced numerous losses and now getting older, I have seen my options expand greatly in emotional and spiritual ways.  It is also my understanding and experience that death is a transition into an existence with a large increase in options, not the other way around.  In my experience, the grieving process and feeling losses are a beautiful though often unpleasant part of life, not to be avoided.