Connections

Connections of all types and being with social groups are very important to me, as are periods of solitude. I need both to feel balanced, usually daily. In terms of different types of connection, I enjoy being alone in various "wild" natural settings and I also enjoy the trees and birds in my own backyard, which is "tamed" and in the city of Flagstaff. We have a variety of social groups we are part of and connecting with people, experiencing different levels of intimacy is very important. With all of that, my alone time becomes extremely important. The balance keeps shifting, but is always rich.

That Force 2

I went to the new Star Wars movie today and, as I commented to Maria, found it mostly silly and very enjoyable. It also strikes me that the ideas behind the "Force" are at least partly true. In my experience, there is a genuine healing and very positive power in love, empathy, connectedness and compassion. There is also a very enticing and destructive opposing force. I have felt and made use of each force or power. I have found the power in love, empathy, connectedness and compassion to be much more rewarding and fulfilling.

Acting Out of Love

Today I performed several activities in order to promote my book and definitely felt "out there". When I perform such activities there is an old, family or origin part of me that shouts "you will be punished". On the other hand, there is a love-based part of me that simply feels that I am doing the right thing and that everything will be fine. I wish the fear part of me would go away or at least be silent. I will continue to act on the love-based side and not "feed" the fear.

Sorting Time

Today I didn’t do anything remarkably different but I began to feel overwhelmed by life and realized that I just needed time to sit, contemplate, meditate and sort. I just needed sorting time. This morning I set up & then attended a recovery meeting. I then led a group therapy for some young recovering addict/alcoholics and, after that, went to a Christmas party. There was a lot of social interaction throughout. Tonight I just sat & sorted.

Loving Life

I actually like and enjoy the fact that, as I described yesterday, "I place very little importance on many of the attitudes and ideas of this earthly existence, such as power and authority." In fact I frequently end up laughing or chuckling during the various social and political situations I encounter daily. Situations where people think that I should take them "more seriously". I truly believe that "Nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all". I enjoy being alive and participating in life.

Not Fitting In

Some people seem to be very good at negotiating smoothly through the various social and political situations without stepping on toes and just naturally following the prescribed protocol. I am not. I seem to have been absent when that sort of thing was taught. It is a bit strange to me since I have no malicious, competitive or antisocial intent. My attitude is generally loving, compassionate, understanding and honest. Most people perceive me that way, some do not. Part of the problem is that I place very little importance on many of the attitudes and ideas of this earthly existence, such as power and authority.

That Force

Through my prayer, meditation, contemplation, a near death experience and numerous living experiences I have come to know a very powerful, unconditionally loving, selfless and egoless force that, at this point, I would be foolish to deny. I have heard it said of that force many times that "there is something out there", an acknowledgment which seems to be adequate for leading a love based life. I now call that force God, a word that others do not use, which makes little or no difference. The fact is that force or God truly embraces the human experience and free will. This is not a personified jealous God/force who judges me, considers me to be sinful or pitiful or requires any sort of obedience.

Help, Support and Guidance

Today, largely because of the accomplishment of writing and publishing my book, I have been reflecting on the large amount of help, support and guidance I have received along the way. It’s certainly true that much of that help, support and guidance came from that force of love or God, whatever you wish to call it. It’s also certainly true that much of that help, support and guidance came from the very human input of my wife, Maria. She provided and continues to provide some much needed emotional and physical support. It seems important for me to recognize the different forms of help, support and guidance I have received along the way.

Silly 2

One of the attitudes or approaches that I have learned from my recovery meetings is what I call "gentle loving laughter", in response to silly, foolish or even relatively harmless but destructive behavior. This is a non-derisive laughter that reflects fondness, understanding and recognition. It’s the same sort of laughter a person might have while watching some of the antics of a puppy. I use the same sort of laughter when observing myself doing foolish or silly things, such as what I described yesterday.

Sigh - Being Silly

Today at the close of my recovery meeting a woman approached me with tears of gratitude over her appreciation of my book.. She hugged and thanked me. On the one hand I was pleased and on the other hand her actions scared me and made me want to run, since I felt exposed. I wanted to have an effect on people, but now having that effect scares me! Later on during a therapy group with young recovering addict/alcoholics my book was brought up in a similar way and my response was also similar. Something about being a silly human being comes to mind.