Faith

The topic for today’s recovery meeting was "faith" and, as a result of my reflecting on the topic, I have realized that I have a very deep faith that everything in my life will be just fine. I also realized that I haven’t the slightest idea what that will look like and that I very possibly won’t like it. I come to those conclusions because of my own history and observation of others. For example, I don’t really like my disability but also realize that it could be a great deal worse and that dealing with it has pushed me into a spiritual and loving life that is wonderful beyond my imaginings. The rest of my life is much the same - if I pay attention.

Silly Human

Tonight I found myself chuckling a bit at my own foolishness. What happened revolves around a person in my life where there is friction between us, which, I believe, is caused largely by his reaction to me. Today it was suggested that I do a daily "loving kindness" meditation toward him, meaning that I visualize him, send him love and support and wish him a loving, wonderful and very fulfilling life. I actually have done that but only periodically and when the mood struck me. The part that I was chuckling about is that when she suggested I do it daily, I felt immediate resistance and also a knowing that it was the right thing to do. I recognize and even have some fondness for that resistant part of myself, but I generally either don’t act on it or apologize when I do. I began my daily practice of the meditation tonight.

Following A Spiritual Path

As I have pointed out many times, when I got into recovery I had no intention of changing my focus to spiritual growth. Life circumstances took me in that direction. I had been following a path of increasing intellectual achievement and material acquisition, a path I have de-emphasized since it did not result in the fulfillment I was seeking. I still enjoy intellectual achievement and material possessions but I find fulfillment in my spiritual practices and sense of love, connectedness and inclusiveness. As a result, my interactions with people and this planet have changed dramatically and I think that others could benefit from a similar change.

A Different Approach

I went to the movie "Concussion", starring Will Smith today and found myself identifying very strongly with the doctor who discovered the significance of head trauma. He ended up bucking the power and financial control of the NFL. In my case, I keep emphasizing the importance of love, connectedness and inclusiveness which is counter to individuality, competitiveness, short term and material gain at all cost. The reason I take my approach is that I have tried both and find my current approach extremely fulfilling and it does not result in destroying each other or this planet.

My Contribution

This morning the person I was talking to made reference to the chaos and destruction going on in the world and I responded that I felt peaceful inside. I attempt to carry that feeling of peace, love and compassion with me all day. Later on this morning I also commented that I will do everything I can to share and propagate that feeling, a small and large thing at the same time. I am only one person but I can do that, actually I can do no less.

Loving Connection

This was a very enjoyable day, a day full of loving connections and increasing the integrity of the universe. The day started with setting up for & then attending a recovery meeting, complete with numerous interactions before and after the meeting. That was followed by leading two therapeutic groups and multiple e-mail exchanges. There was a strong feeling of deep connection in all of the activities. Not bad for a guy that used to be isolated!

Resolutions

Today, as in years of the past, I kept hearing about the idea of making resolutions to make my life better & the fact is that I tend not to make them. My approach is that through my daily meditation practice I become acutely aware both of the changes I could make to improve my situation, and my resistance to making those changes. For example, I became aware that for weight and health reasons I would be better off eliminating the chocolate bits from the trail mix that I snack on during the day. I was also aware that I enjoyed the sweetness and taste of the chocolate & did not want to give it up. I have added dried fruit for sweetness and eliminated chocolate, a good compromise that is working.

Doing The Next Right Thing

This was a day of getting things done in preparation for taking a trip back east to Baltimore. I took the time to exercise, rest & eat but also just moved from one task to the next. I felt impatience creeping in and also fretting at moving too slowly. I simply kept reminding myself to do the "next right thing" and kept moving. It is now time to meditate and be at peace. I will be away for a few days.

Connection 2

Today was a day of valuing and being grateful for the numerous connections I have with other people. At this point in my life I love pretty much everyone & have no people that I consider enemies, though some that I would rather not be around. There was a special Christmas-eve gathering for worship tonight. I noticed that I wanted to be with the people, not for Christmas, which I do not celebrate because of commercialism, but for connection and love

Connections

Connections of all types and being with social groups are very important to me, as are periods of solitude. I need both to feel balanced, usually daily. In terms of different types of connection, I enjoy being alone in various "wild" natural settings and I also enjoy the trees and birds in my own backyard, which is "tamed" and in the city of Flagstaff. We have a variety of social groups we are part of and connecting with people, experiencing different levels of intimacy is very important. With all of that, my alone time becomes extremely important. The balance keeps shifting, but is always rich.