Following Guidance

We had our monthly men’s meeting tonight and I talked about my coming move and the fact that I feel a strong spiritual calling to go back east to around the D.C. area in Maryland. I also talked about the same with Maria, my wife, later in the evening and it occurs to me that on the one hand I am quite certain of the spiritual importance and significance of the move. And on the other hand I am "lost in a trackless desert", meaning that I have no even slightly conventional goal in mind like getting a degree, training or job promotion. I want to play my part but have no idea what that is!

Searching

I have been thinking about the joke in which a man is looking for his lost watch under a street lamp, when in fact he lost the watch in a nearby dark alley. When asked why he is looking under the street lamp he replies "because this is where the light is". The fact is that I looked for happiness and satisfaction in my life through intellect, accomplishment and material possessions because my parents, friends and the TV told me that I would find them there, that was where the light was. I have since learned that I needed to look in the dark alley of feelings, vulnerability, love and relationships. As a result of looking in that dark alley and then developing what I found there, I now have a very meaningful and fulfilling life.

Spirituality

Recently I have been looking into particle physics and quantum mechanics, from a spiritual, love based perspective. In the past I have immersed myself in the writings of some of the mystical Christian Saints like Teresa of Avila or John of the Cross. I have also explored the Buddhism of Wolfgang Kopp and the Hinduism of Nisargadata Maharaj. I spent several years experiencing Native American spirituality and many hours in both traditional and non-traditional sweat lodges. I have felt a strong identity with them all and have a very strong sense that in each case they are experiencing and describing the same things, often using different words. I have also come to know that the words used do not matter.

Acceptance

I am going through a time of not being very accepting of my disability and related difficulties, particularly my speech problems. Several years ago, when I was still using crutches, a friend asked me how I was doing and I replied "good". My friend then responded "how can you be good, you can’t walk?". My response to him was "you can’t fly, and it doesn’t bother you". By that I meant that I had completely accepted my limitations and decided to live within them. It is a difficult dance for me but if I am to continue being functional and not angry, I need to accept the reality of my capabilities while doing all I can to change.

Risk & Faith

I have a good life here and I am very much aware of my tendency to just stick with that and to ignore the calling to go back east and begin a new adventure or phase of my life. The words of Sawhill come to mind, that "To attain excellence, you must care more than others think wise, risk more than others think safe and dream more than others think practical". I want to attain that excellence and I am willing to experience some discomfort along the way.

Change

During this period of my life I marvel (with some discomfort!) at how rapidly things are changing while grieving the past and preparing for the future. The rapidity of things changing is exemplified by the fact that before even listing our house for sale, we had some friends over to look at it & they bought it. That was a few days ago and we have been signing contracts and arranging for inspections since then. For the first time in my life, I am feeling the loss of moving on, particularly regarding the people, but also the experiences of the last several years. I have also been reading in preparation for my new life. I have been meditating and attempting to be present for all of this.

Feeling The Feelings

Today I told the people at my workplace that this would be my last month. I was surprised by how much sadness and grief I felt when I told them that. They have been my main source of referrals for six years and I have put a lot of myself into that program. I will miss the people and my position there. I spent a good part of the afternoon meditating and contemplating, just letting the feelings wash over me

Guidance 2

I wrote yesterday of the guidance I received concerning the Sun Dance from the appearance of the "black Charlie Horton". The reason those memories come to me is that the same level of guidance, though often less obvious, is happening now concerning the current changes in my life (career path, physical location and spiritual shift). My job is to listen, pay attention and take the necessary actions. Yesterday Maria and I went out to a site south of Twin Arrows to perform a ceremony/ritual acknowledging the changes and committing to spiritually expand to the new challenges.

Guidance

A little over twenty years ago, when I was fairly new to the Flagstaff area and had just begun exploring the Native American approach to spirituality, I was invited to attend a Sun Dance, as an observer. At that time Maria, my wife, was not supportive of my exploration and had told me that if I ever chose to participate in a Sun Dance, not just observe, she "would not be there when I returned". I was conflicted and asked for guidance about whether to go or not. I had also recently joined a practice in Flagstaff and the secretary came back to my office and told me that someone was in the waiting area requesting to talk to me. He was a colorfully and somewhat shabbily dressed black man and I invited him to come back to my office. I asked him why he wanted to talk and he explained that he had seen the plaque out front announcing "Charlie Horton, Therapist" and felt compelled to meet me since his name was also Charlie Horton! I then asked him what brought him to Flagstaff and he replied "I’m here to go to the Sun Dance". At that point I thought "message received" and went to the Sun Dance, which turned out to be an extremely significant event for me. The words of Williamson come to mind that "We will be told everything we need to know and shown everything we need to see", an important message in this time of change.

Being In The Flow

Today we sold our house and I was surprised how easy it was and how quickly it happened. We did not even have to involve a realtor, list it or put a sign out front. Also, last week we were contacted by a financial firm that had turned up about $23,000.00 of unclaimed assets from my fathers estate that I was owed. He died over sixteen years ago and we can certainly use the money for the upcoming relocation. The universe is clearly supporting us and as I commented a few days ago, it feels good to be "in the flow".