Growth

I have been very aware of my own growth for the last several months, an illuminating and often challenging experience. I am attempting to become "all I can be" on all levels, spiritual, emotional, cognitive and physical, a daunting task at the age of 68 almost 69 and disabled. I am also becoming more aware of my impact on the people I meet and how I might cause the changes I would like to see. I frequently end up thinking of a comment by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton that I read many years ago, "Indeed, it is the most difficult thing in the entire human experience -- to claim your Self, your Life, your Light, your Truth and your God.

Love

During my recovery meeting today there was a lot of talk about having difficulty with the concept of God. I commented that many people believe that there is "something there" besides what a person can see, touch or feel. I suggested that they give that a name and believe in it. Personally I am comfortable with calling it Love, which then leads me to believing in relationships, connectedness, inclusion, respect, forgiveness and compassion. I like the comment by C. Jung, that "Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other."

Having An Impact

As always, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the life process and my place in it, today it’s about my role, having moved to MD from AZ. I moved here because I wanted to "change the world", a daunting task. I am very aware that I "have issues", that I am very human. During my reading about the historical Jesus, I find it very reassuring to find that he also had issues and knew he was very human. He certainly changed the world and I suspect that if I continue to seek guidance and stay humble, I can have an impact. In the words of Claremont deCastillejo "If we can resist the compulsive pressure of our logical thinking, without relinquishing our precious heritage of lucid thought; if we can hold our ground with our own hardly won ego personalities, yet bow our heads and say, 'Thy will not mine be done'; if we will but notice the reactions of our bodies; and heed the behaviour of the world towards us; if we can learn to listen to the voices within and to the whisper in the wind, with trust as well as with discrimination, we may be able to follow the road where the Rainmaker walks."

Spiritual Path

Within my spiritual path I have specifically and purposely avoided the renunciate’s path, choosing instead to be a functioning member of society who participates in normal activities without attaching or giving them much importance. My focus is instead, on the wonders of love and the eternal (some would say God’s Kingdom). In my book I call it "being in the world, but not of it". All around me I see people dissatisfied with life as it is and yet unwilling to give up their attachments and distractions. Being in the world gives me more of a chance to reach them and offer them an alternative.

Being Human

Today was one of those days when very little went according to my plan, the first problem being that I did not realize we had switched to daylight savings time. I spent most of the day feeling a little uncomfortable and having some minor post-surgery pain. During the day I kept thinking of various negative, judgmental and self-centered things to say - so I kept quiet most of the day and was fairly successful at that. Toward the end of the day I went through a couple of hours of anxiety over the possibility that my healing will go awry. All-in-all today was a very human sort of day.

Recovery

I took my last pain pill this morning at 5:30 and then spent the rest of the day quietly - reading, meditating and contemplating, then ending the day by fixing dinner. It is hard for me to realize that two days ago, Thursday, I had surgery. I am now largely over it with a small amount of pain and some healing to go. I am reminded of the words of Emmet Fox, that "There exists a mystic Power that is able to transform your life so thoroughly, so radically, so completely, that when the process is completed your own friends would hardly recognize you, and, in fact, you would scarcely be able to recognize yourself. It can lift you out of an invalid's bed, and free you to go out into the world to shape your life as you will. It can throw open the prison door and liberate the captive. This Power can do for you that which is probably the most important thing of all in your present stage: it can find your true place in life for you, and put you into it. This Power is really no less than the primal Power of Being, and to discover that Power is the divine birthright of all men." I have tapped into that power and it has indeed transformed my life, in addition to helping me recover from surgery quickly.

Medication

Today was a quiet day of healing and recovery after surgery. I read, meditated and slept a lot. In keeping with my holistic "joining with" approach to pain, I took minimal pain medication in order to stay connected to my body and its needs. I wanted to respect, love and listen to my body so I only took enough pain medication in order to minimize the pain, not mask it. That way I was more likely to do what was needed to heal. This balance is made more difficult in my case since I am an addict and like drugs too much!

Surgery

I had left-side-inguinal-hernia-repair surgery today and felt much blessed by the whole process and aware of how differently I could have felt. I could have been angry that I needed the surgery and impatient with the inconvenience of it. Instead I was delighted with my feisty, young, brown-skinned, professional surgeon and her extremely competent and helpful staff. I looked on the whole process as a "God thing" but was also aware that these were just my words and thoughts, and that it was the attitude and feeling of gratitude that mattered. The actual words used make no difference.

Choice

Recently I have been encountering people who are committed to and emotionally attached to their material possessions and, as I have come to realize through mu meditation, that is completely fine. The material possessions bring them satisfaction and a feeling of completeness. I need to realize that, in addition to that situation being fine for them, it is not for me. I found fulfillment from material possessions and intellectual achievement during part of my life and still enjoy them. I now take a small amount of pleasure in the material, recognize those things as transient, let them pass and focus primarily on the spiritual. As was stated by Marsh "If you choose to center your life in Divine Radiance, two things can be pretty much guaranteed. One, life will not be as simple as it could be if you had chosen another way. The Spirit-centered life has little in common with ‘Business as usual.’ Two, there will never be a dull moment. You will see the colors of music, hear the songs of color and be blessed with magic people.   A fair trade I'd say."

Limitations

Within limits, I keep pushing myself and trying to do more, a complicated effort since I am disabled. Today I rested on a hot pad for most of the day since I an experiencing some sciatica and have a substantial amount of pain. I have always enjoyed the comment by Sawhill that "To attain excellence, you must care more than others think wise, risk more than others think safe and dream more than others think practical".