Growth

It was a strange day - but good and reflective of my progress. I found out that a flight I booked on the computer several weeks ago, with my wife’s help, did not work and they had no record of it. Rather than getting upset or angry, I realized that computers only understood yeses and noes or pluses and minuses and that one or more did not match up, so Maria called instead and set the flights up again. It took time and my phone (verbal communication) skills are not good but everything worked out. I asked for guidance, worked within my limits and sought help when needed.. Otherwise, it was a quiet, rainy, east coast kind of day - beautiful.

Fear

I moved back east after a period of learning in the west. During that period I learned and studied several spiritual traditions and now I wish to carry what I have learned to the east. I am here to be of service, to help out in dark times. On the one hand I know that, with God’s guidance, I have what it takes to do what is required. On the other hand I am afraid that I don’t. About five days ago I referred to it as "galloping fear", Williamson calls it "free floating" in her comments; "A lot of us know we have what it takes—the looks, the education, the talent, the credentials. But in certain areas, we’re paralyzed. We’re not being stopped by something on the outside, but by something on the inside. Our oppression is internal. The government isn’t holding us back, or hunger or poverty. We’re not afraid we’ll get sent to Siberia. We’re just afraid, period. Our fear is free-floating. We’re afraid this isn’t the right relationship or we’re afraid it is. We’re afraid they won’t like us or we’re afraid they will. We’re afraid of failure or we’re afraid of success. We’re afraid of dying young or we’re afraid of growing old. We’re more afraid of life than we are of death." I’m not being stopped but I am aware of the difficulty.

Detachment

I go through my daily activities from within a "bubble of love", a gift I have been given through living with my disability. It has taught me to ask for guidance, that I am not in charge and for the sake of my sanity, I need to detach from everything. The way my disability has taught me is through pain and discomfort when I don’t do those things and serenity if I do. Jack Kornfield put it well when he wrote "To love fully and live well requires us to recognize finally that we do not possess or own anything---our homes, our cars, our loved ones, not even our own body. Spiritual joy and wisdom do not come through possession but rather through our capacity to open, to love more fully, and to move and be free in life." He goes on to say "The happiness we discover in life is not about possessing or owning or even understanding. Instead, it is the discovery of this capacity to love, to have a loving, free and wise relationship with all of life. Such love is not possessive but arises out of a sense of our own well-being and connection with everything." I have found all of that to be very true.

Spiritual Path

Yesterday, on Sunday, I took part in a "spiritual development" group that meets once a month, very enjoyable and enlightening. In that group the members are connecting with each other while also following some techniques meant to enhance their spiritual paths. In addition to taking note of the self-criticism I mentioned yesterday, I notice that they each tend to have relatively explicit concepts of what a "spiritual path" looks and feels like. As I state in my book "You are on a spiritual path whether you know it, intend it, admit it or not. If you are doing so with consciousness and intent, the path will, very likely, not be as you expect." It took me a few years, but I found that out!

Perfection

Perfection is one of the topics I mention in my book and website and I kept thinking about it today as I listened to people criticize themselves for giving in to their "shortcomings" or humanity. As I say in my website "In a divine sense, we are all perfect within our imperfections, a beautiful truth.", an attitude which is ineffable and does not fit the human notion of perfection. I also pointed that out today. Realizing and then overcoming those shortcomings is a major part of the human experience, a process that is embraced by God.

Perspective 2

Today I acted like a normal, middle-class, retired person. I paid bills, watched birds, worked on our budget, did some laundry and cooking. All through the day I was also acutely aware of the wonder of being human, including the painful and unpleasant parts and how everything fits into eternity. I recall a comment from many years ago by Millman in Way of the Peaceful Warrior a Book that Changes Lives; "You will live an ordinary life, learning how to remain ordinary in a troubled world to which, in a sense, you no longer belong. Remain ordinary, and you can be useful to others."

Fear

Today I am aware of and experiencing some generalized fears about the future, something I call galloping fear since it can switch from one potential event to another very quickly and without reason. The fears are not real but my conscious mind believes them. I like the comment by Williamson, that "Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the relinquishment—or unlearning—of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. Love is the essential existential fact. It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life." I have learned the fears well!

Spring

Today was a day of connecting with the natural world around our home - feeling the vibrancy of spring. During my blessing ceremony this morning I was very aware of the blossoming flowers, the budding trees and the very active animals. We have finished setting up those feeding stations I mentioned yesterday, blocking the squirrels and allowing the birds. After the quiet of the winter months it’s time to wake up. I tend to enjoy each season for its part of the cycle.

Perspective

We are setting up various "feeding stations" in our yard primarily for birds and keeping the squirrels out. I need to keep in mind the words of Lance Morrow, that "The wild animals fetch back at least 2 million years. They represent, we imagine, the first order of creation, and they are vividly marked with God's eccentric genius of design: life poured into pure forms, life unmitigated by complexities of consciousness, language, ethics, treachery, revulsion, reason, religion, premeditation or free will. A wild animal does not contradict its own nature, does not thwart itself, as man endlessly does. A wild animal never plays for the other side. The wild animals are a holiday from deliberation. They are sheer life. To behold a bright being that lives without thought is, to the complex, cross-grained human mind, profoundly liberating. And even if they had no effect upon the human mind, still the wild animals are life - other life." The sheer number of squirrels in this area has clearly been altered by the presence of humans and reduction in predators. On the one hand, they are a nuisance. However, the squirrels are also little bundles of instincts and very good at it.

Blessing

My wife, Maria, and I are setting up a God/love "zone" around our house and property. Every morning around sunrise each of us perform a dawn ceremony and blessing in our backyard. Before the blessing I go through some exercises specifically to rid myself of negative feelings. I then bless the yard, house and surroundings. We have many wonderful plants and animals around the property which we attend to daily. Our house is a place of love, prayer, peace and harmony.