Spiritual Life

Today was a relatively pleasant day with some effort and focus, connection with others, meditation, rain and solitude. I was alone most of the day which was peaceful. The day began with a couple of hours of exercise, which I do a lot of in order to remain functionally disabled. I also mentored a couple of people, went to a recovery meeting and spent around an hour in meditation. I kept thinking of Patricia Loring ‘s comment that "to undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." That is certainly true in my case. It is best for me to always keep that in mind, with the exception of brief, two or three hour, periods of distraction, which also seem important for self-care. My life is very full and satisfying.

Spiritual Journey

I am experiencing an inner conflict as I continue to further "turn my life and will" over to God’s care and guidance. Internally I am shifting and a small part of me is resisting. I cannot put the shift into words using logic and reasoning but I can sense it happening. I have long viewed myself as the cabin boy on a beautiful ocean going several masted sailing ship which I own but God steers, determining where we go and what we do. Using this metaphor, God was like a partner and mostly in charge but the ship was still mine. The best I can do in explaining the current transition is that I no longer own the ship but am still a cabin boy. I simply follow. "One by one we move beyond conceptions of ourselves, just as we pass beyond metaphors, symbols, and conceptions of God on the way into unmediated, unknowing, intimate relationship with the source of our being." (Patricia Loring)

Connection

About seven years ago during my nightly meditation I would make my connection with God and immerse myself in a feeling of unconditional Love, an overwhelmingly strong feeling that I would always remember but leave behind when I came back from meditation. Then, one night the feeling stayed with me when I returned and I asked how I could function in the world feeling like that. I was told "you’ll get used to it", which has happened and I now like the feeling. This evening I watched one of the original James Bond movies to get a break from the intensity of my life, which was a very pleasant and absorbing distraction. I also notice that the, now familiar, feeling of Love and direct connection I just mentioned was also missing. It seems, at least for now, that I cannot have both, simultaneously. I involved myself in service work to get my connection back! "Few things — no things that I know of — are so completely and effectively restorative as the discovery that this World of the environing Spirit is verily closer to us than breathing and is charged with the resources of Life for which we pant." (Rufus Jones)

Choice

As I carry out my daily activities, described yesterday, I keep God/Love in the forefront and feel a sense of joy in all I do, though there is no logical reason for that joy or love. That is what I mean when I say I walk around in a "bubble of love". The feeling is very fulfilling and is available to anyone who will exert the necessary commitment and discipline. "He should learn to remain in God’s presence with a loving attention and a tranquil intellect", even though this seems like idleness to him. Soon he will find little by little that a "divine calm and peace with a wondrous, sublime knowledge of God, enveloped in divine love, will be infused into his soul". (St. John of the Cross)

Discernment

Lately I have been continuing my activities to be of service to mankind while also taking care of myself and enjoying the vibrance of spring. I connect with God daily through prayer and meditation, asking for support and guidance. As always, I also stay alert for any indications of new assignments, what I call "marching orders", through my daily meditation and contemplation, often during working in our gardens. I work with several living people and spirits that have already transitioned. Maria and I also have our work with the Friends. "It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some, novel and previously unimagined course." (Patricia Loring)

Mystical Experience

On Thursday evenings Maria and I lead a one hour, largely silent, Friend’s worship service in the 19^th century meeting house of the Sandy Spring group. For me the evening begins about ½ hour before the actual service when I greet the huge tulip poplar right outside of the meeting house and invite the spirits hanging around the adjacent graveyard to join us. At the appointed time a ½ dozen or so people join us for an hour of meditative, silence seeking guidance and divine connection. Because of the group meditation and the spirits, the feeling of presence is very strong. Usually one or two people speak briefly about what they sense and the rest of us just feel the presence. "The very fact that such a mighty experience [mystical worship] as this is possible means that there is some inner meeting place between the soul and God; in other words, that the divine and human, God and man, are not wholly sundered." (Rufus Jones)

Eternity

Yesterday I wrote about life, death and eternity and today I was feeling the eternal nature of life’s transient events. It is my understanding and experience that it is precisely the dealing with life’s difficulties that gives eternal value to the short-term experiences of life. In my case, I have had numerous physical and emotional difficulties to overcome. Overcoming each of those difficulties has taught me a bit more about Love, compassion and God. In order for me to benefit from life’s events I have to "listen" to the universe rather than simply being pissed off about the challenge or difficulty. "And though ideas such as these may seem unimportant in our bustling world, the testimony of seekers after life in all ages is that nothing is so important as the completion of our half-lives, the God-filling of our void." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Death

Not to be morose but the inevitability and proximity of my death is always with me and, in fact, the presence of that reality adds to the apparent beauty of life. Because of my disability I have taken downturns and been near death three times. My awareness of death is always present. I walk through life with death as my partner, which adds to my appreciation of both life and eternity. Life is very short-lived and transient but what I learn in the process of life will be with my spirit eternally. "The moral which needs more emphasis in this century than in any other of which we have record is that a complete life can only be lived when the fact of death is kept steadily in mind." (Bertrand Russell)

Faith

Elizabeth Ostrander Sutton commented that "Faith, then, means putting trust in a process that slowly builds an intimate relationship with someone I can neither see nor fully understand, but only feel. Living a life of faith implies being in continual contact with God and opening up to being searched and known." I have an intimate relationship with God but I cannot say that my trust is 100%, which, as far as I can tell, matters not at all. My lack of complete trust is simply part of being human and because of the loving, unconditional nature of that relationship, my hesitation does not detract. Admitting that part of me to0 God and myself is an aspect of being "searched and known".

Awakening

Since getting into recovery I have changed my life, or my life has been changed for me, I’m not sure which (and care not at all!). I used to believe that my intellect, money, power, and prestige would satisfy all of my needs. I was a functional addict/alcoholic in love with my many distractions. I was also fairly accomplished and totally unhappy. I now lead a spiritual life with relationships, love and compassion as my main focus. My approach is very rich and fulfilling. "He stood before me. He stands before mankind, asking us all, asking the nations and the leaders of nations, the statesmen and the simple people, whether they will destroy themselves or whether they will give themselves to the grip of his power and thereby a new life in which love, not greed or lust for power, is the new dynamic."(Emil Fuchs)