Differences

During my recovery meeting today I remained silent and listened to the other members of the group bring up issues that were bothering them, the main issue being their perception that they had made mistakes and I was reminded how different I am from the majority. Personally, I don’t think there are mistakes, just choices that have unintended outcomes. We always learn from those choices and we have no idea if the outcomes are desirable or not in the long run. Irene Claremont deCastillejo said it well when she wrote "Scientists discover and theologians affirm; but faced with the mystery of life and death we know almost nothing." I also kept thinking of the comment Richard Pries made several years ago, that "Nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all".

Listening

Because of my disability I speak very slowly with very poor diction and enunciation so it is a chore for people to listen to me and particularly my slowness gives me a chance to observe how most people listen. I have noticed that when I talk people instantly make up stories about what I am saying and then pay more attention to their story, than what I am saying. For example, if I am cooking and begin relating something about a dream I had a few nights ago, Maria, my wife, might make up a story about what I am cooking and have trouble realizing that what I am saying does not fit. I, of course, do the same, often tending to believe my story rather than the reality going on around me. I work on my listening skills. "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with." (Sogyal Rinpoche)

My Effort

Trying to change attitudes and choices that other people make in a loving, positive, long-term and sustainable direction feels like an uphill battle tonight. I attempt to be a living example but when I go shopping like I did this morning I am bombarded by merchants selling things of little real value and trying to get me to spend my money. The same happens when I watch TV or listen to the radio. When I read the paper I learn about various harmful choices being made. Meanwhile I conduct myself within my "bubble of love" and do the best I can to be an example.  "From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Daniel A. Seeger)

Faith

Today I was honored to be visited by the spirit of one of my teachers from social work school. At that time we talked about spiritual matters and he encouraged my spiritual tendencies during a time when there was a strong belief in evidence based science to the exclusion of the spiritual approaches. It was not safe to talk of spiritual matters. I did not know it at the time but I was just scratching the surface and had barely begun my exploration but as Elizabeth Ostrander Sutton says "I cannot create when I choose the path that separates me from God. But when I consent, I soar for I have opened the door of creation." That was 1993 or 4 and I or we have come a long way since then and the importance of spirituality for mental health is now recognized and openly talked about. "Faith, then, means putting trust in a process that slowly builds an intimate relationship with someone I can neither see nor fully understand, but only feel. Living a life of faith implies being in continual contact with God and opening up to being searched and known."

Silent Time

I need a large amount, several hours, of quiet time each day during which I contemplate, meditate or just sit and sort out my thoughts. I may spend about 25% of that time on day-to-day worldly concerns and the rest on current spiritual matters, such as my mentoring of others or my various types of communication. If I do not get enough quiet time I feel off balance and know something is missing. I notice that I can indulge in some sort of relaxation, like watching a movie, and feel like I am wasting valuable time which would be better spent just sitting in silence, so I generally turn off the movie and sit. "It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large." (Daniel A. Seeger)

Helping Change

I lead a life of being of service to others and I am empathic, understanding, inclusive and loving. I am also aware of, largely unexpressed, selfish, self-centered egotistical tendencies which were acted upon in my younger times. I was able to move away from the way I was when younger because of an atmosphere of love, understanding and encouragement which was given to me. At the present time I witness lying, stealing, manipulating and racism in the authority figures around me, usually driven by selfish, self-centered and egotistical motives. I find that I cannot condemn them since I was the same but I can and do extend love, understanding and empathy. In the Dhammapada the Buddha teaches that in this world hate never dispels hate. Only love dispels hate.

Dealing With Issues

During my recovery meetings and through my work with others I keep hearing about people being upset over the fact that other people close to them are angry with them or simply that people close to them are having difficulties. Using the second of the three questions; (Would I do this in front of God [or whatever you call the power or force behind the Universe]?; Is my name really on it [or is it really my responsibility]?; Will this increase the integrity of the universe [or is this action motivated by love, rather than fear, acting out of love always increases the integrity of the universe]?) I have realized that beyond being empathic, listening and being supportive, their issues are theirs, not mine — frequently even if they are angry with me. The last of the three questions leads me to self-care as being the loving activity I am responsible for.

Silent Connection

Today I just went about my daily activities feeling Love and gratitude for all things, making brief, largely non-verbal, connections and being largely silent with lots of loving eye contact. I began my day in the usual fashion with a dawn ceremony greeting and blessing the day and the plants in my yard. After oatmeal I went shopping and enjoyed the many non-verbal connections. I spent most of the afternoon cutting up vegetables and cooking. This has been a very enjoyable and peaceful day. "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words. It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning." (Daniel A. Seeger)

Presence

I first encountered the awesome force or presence I now know as God while sitting on a narrow ridge near the top of Grandfather Mountain in North Carolina. Maria, my wife, and I had been hiking up the "back country" side of the mountain during one of our backpacking vacations. It was an overwhelming feeling of love, power, presence, strength and peace which Maria felt as well, quite a gift. That was back around 1985 and I did not believe in much of anything, but that got my attention. I, of course, had no idea of the life which was coming. "Jesus said, ‘I am the light which is before all things. It is I who am all things. From me all things came forth, and to me all things extend. Split a piece of wood, and I am there; lift up the stone, and you will find me.’" from the gospel of Thomas.

Peace

After our period of silent worship this morning Maria and I stopped to visit a nearby graveyard. It was a very peaceful setting in a rural area down the road from some big, expensive homes. Most of the markers were from the 1800s or early 1900s with one that I saw dated 2000. The spirits wanted to get to know me before communicating with me so I sat and invited them to probe me, which they did. According to Maria they were pleased and I plan to return in a week or so — why, I do not know. Before leaving there was a family of beautiful red-tailed hawks soaring above us and then a large Accipiter flapped its way across the sky. All-in-all it was a wonderful experience.