Spiritual Growth

I commented yesterday that " I am now in a position where I wish to relax my jaw more completely", meaning I now wish (plan?) to increase my physical recovery another step or two, with God’s guidance. I feel strongly that it is time and I will give my progress the effort and time which is needed. I am quite aware that using current medical knowledge what I just wrote is impossible and I have no clue as to why it is time. So tonight I feel in the dark and at a loss. I plan to keep deepening my spiritual connection anyway — where ever that takes me. "To resign one’s self to the fact that one must travel much in the dark and be greatly sifted and tossed about is an inevitable step in the way of spiritual growth." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Holistic Healing

In 2010 I was going through a period when I could not relax my jaw at all and it was in constant motion while awake and I even had to sleep in a position that held my jaw still. That is when I was diagnosed as having a jaw dystonia, which was quite a bit worse than it is today. I found that during deep meditation I could relax my jaw and I reasoned that I could carry that ability into when I was being active, my normal waking self. I mentioned this plan to my doctor and she said "most people cannot do that" and in response I thought "I can and I will". I am now in a position where I wish to relax my jaw more completely and I have realized that I can do so when I am meditating. There is part of me that thinks I cannot do that and another part that keeps repeating to myself "I can and I will". We shall see.

Joy

This evening I was reading in Marcelle Martin’s book Our Life is Love: The Quaker Spiritual Journey, about what the original Quakers called "Living in the cross", or living and acting within God’s will. I lead a life based on being of service and have given up many of the ego pleasures she described. I participate in minimal distractions and focus on carrying out God’s will, not mine. I cannot say that I suffer since I simply accept my lot in life as "what is" but I do experience pain. I also experience tremendous joy in my life which comes from living a life of Love and following guidance. In response to the question of how I’m doing, I generally say that my body is a mess and I have a wonderful life. I focus on the joy I feel.

Meditation

Usually when I meditate I continue to be semi-conscious and partially aware of my surroundings so that if someone speaks to me I know it and can choose to respond, though usually I do not. I generally have feelings of peace, love and well being and am usually focused on some question or topic. Each session usually lasts twenty to thirty minutes, sometimes longer. Today I was having a difficult day emotionally and physically while dealing with my demon of low self-worth mentioned two days ago. In order to more thoroughly explore my internal conflict I used a form of meditation where I am not conscious of my surroundings and appear to be asleep but I am sorting out the question I started with. This particular session lasted two hours and in the past, similar sessions have gone on for three hours, though they always seem like minutes to me. I have the clarity I was seeking and feel much better.

Dragons

What a "coincidence"! Yesterday I wrote of continuing whispers of feelings of low self worth left over from my youth and today I found myself talking about my past "dragons" coming back to haunt me. It’s important for me to not believe those whispers and even laugh at them as old and familiar companions. I would also like to remember that in God’s eyes I am perfectly imperfect, growing and learning. "The Lord explained that it was needful that he [George Fox]’should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?"

Internal Conflict

Today I am dealing with a totally irrational internal conflict between being a loving person who represents joy to many people and feelings of low self worth which apparently stems from childhood. On one hand I feel wonderful about my life and spontaneously radiate Love and joy as described yesterday. That part of me is present and dominates my life most of the time. There is also a quiet part of me that is apparent some days which has a low opinion of self. That part of me is stuck on the many years of my youth when I was unpleasant, hurt and angry. The best process for me is to acknowledge my past and not let it impact the present, which I do most of the time.

Joy

Two days ago on Sunday before our period of silent worship a friend was relating a poem about finding events that bring joy and she said "seeing your face does that for me". I was pleased and surprised. I am aware that I radiate Love, especially during times of worship and she could feel that. Similarly, when I go grocery shopping on Monday mornings I often encounter young women with their babies. I spontaneously beam love at them and the babies and often the moms show the same joy. We all exchange glances and sometimes words within that loving atmosphere. The encounters are brief but very satisfying and it is wonderful for me to have that impact on people. "The fruits of the Spirit [tests if leadings are divine in origin] have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’" (Galatians 5:23 NJB)

Meditation

When I meditated tonight I felt an especially strong connection to that Loving, healing power and presence I call God. The feeling was right on the verge of overwhelming, almost more than I could deal with. I visualized flying over the earth in this area and covering it in a bubble of love, dispelling any negative energies. There was also a recognition that the current darkness is necessary for the responding release of light and Love. "The Lord explained that it was needful that he [George Fox]’should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?’ Then followed the critical experience: ‘I saw the infinite love of God. I saw that there was an ocean of darkness and death, but an infinite ocean of light and love which flowed over the ocean of darkness. In that also I saw the infinite love of God; and I had great openings"

Life

It struck me today that in spite of the inconvenience of my disability, I truly enjoy my life, all of it. Today I began the day by meditating and praying in the wee hours right after midnight. I went to a morning recovery meeting and mentored a couple of people. Those activities were all meaningful and had substance. I also watched part of an enjoyable movie (The Martian) which was pure distraction and had no meaning beyond being a nice break. As Jack Kornfield wrote "The happiness we discover in life is not about possessing or owning or even understanding. Instead, it is the discovery of this capacity to love, to have a loving, free and wise relationship with all of life. Such love is not possessive but arises out of a sense of our own well-being and connection with everything."

Meditation

When I meditate on my connection to God or All-That-Is, I arrive at a place of Love, peace and well-being that others have called the Absolute or La-la Land. Originally I pursued that depth of meditation in order to have the pain reduction I find there and now I go there for the joy of being there. Feeling that connection used to take several minutes of focus but now is easy and immediate. I now carry that feeling during the day and attempt to radiate it. As Jesus said in the Gospel of Luke "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you."