Being

I am very aware that I am different from most people. I have no interest in sports or other common distractions and little interest in politics, preferring instead silent contemplation and meditation. Even as a child I recall trying and failing to be interested in the pass times my peers liked such as sports, stamps, coins or games. I did enjoy walking alone through woods and fields. At the present time I find myself enjoying who I am and also wishing that I fit in better! The highlight of my day is getting up in the middle of the night to pray, meditate and be with God. "Only a few achieve the colossal task of holding together, without being split asunder, the clarity of their vision alongside an ability to take their place in a materialistic world." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo).

Listening

Today during our book study meeting I spoke at length about the joys I experience nightly during my meditation and conscious contact with God, the joys I described in my last two entries. I was selfishly disturbed and saddened that the ten or so other people there did not listen to my words and praise me for speaking the truth. They did listen attentively but were primarily restricted by their own beliefs rather than immediately changing their minds and thanking me — pretty silly on my part. I have since recalled how difficult it was for me to really listen to alternative points of view and being stuck within my own beliefs. I could not and would not "listen attentively". Listening was a challenge for me and I am now more open (I think).

Growth

Because of the absolute and unconditional nature of God’s Love I strive to grow in the direction of greater harmony with All-That-Is and to halt anything that impedes that growth. I choose this growth not because I am being judged or graded by some entity but because I value that Love and wish to align with it. The alignment I seek can and does look like a sacrifice on my part but it is simply my choice. As much as possible, I attempt to carry this Love with me and apply it to the people I contact. I should confess that I often fail in my attempts to carry that Love, finding that I judge others.

Perfection

I find truth in the divine sense of perfection while also finding it hard to grasp since it is very different from the human concept. When I am with God I know that I am perfect as I am and that part of that perfection includes what the human part of me considers to be my imperfections, similar to the way a mother looks at a newborn. I also realize that this perfection includes the beauty of luna moths, eagles and springtime, as well as the wonders of cockroaches, bacteria and mosquitoes. The concept also causes me to strive for greater harmony with All That Is. The divine concept gives me a greater sense of peace and results in lessening my stress.

Growth

Two days ago I wrote of my internal struggle to overcome my own fears which are hangovers from past lives. I want to overcome those fears in order that I might become "all I can be". I just do not know what that is! I need to remember that if I stay loving and humble, with God’s help I can become "more powerful than I can imagine" (Williamson). The help is readily available, the rest is up to me to ask, listen and act. "If you can rise above the fear in your life and live the love within you, and if I can rise above my fear and live the love in me-----if that drama is reenacted enough times by enough of the world’s people-----then we will pierce the cosmic darkness and tip the world in the direction of light." (Williamson)

Holistic Healing

Yesterday afternoon, evening and into the first part of the night I had a very bad headache and was feeling agitated since my salt/water balance was off. That was why I wrote nothing last night. Today I meditated for several hours and asked if there was anything emotional or spiritual causing the problems I had. I immediately started reflecting on past lives which I dismissed as meaningless, idle fantasy at first. I then realized that my difficulties were, in part, a PTSD episode based on my experiences in past lives. During the last several days I had been doing several things like healing a suspicious, spontaneous sore on my arm, communicating with spirits and listening "beyond the words" with people. All activities which had resulted in my death and/or persecution during those past lives. My past experiences resulted in a present belief that "I would be punished". In the future I will reassure myself that I am safe.

Connection

Today I had a very strong, enjoyable and exhausting connection with someone new to my arena and I did indeed feel "more than my little self".   During the connection I felt the Presence of something else in addition to the other person, who I was present with. I did not notice any exhaustion until later. My role was to listen and be present. "Great deeds can only be achieved when we are more than our little selves. When we are lent wings we should not reject them." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

God's Love

It is impossible for me to convey in words how much it means to me to have God’s Absolute and Unconditional acceptance, to feel and live within that degree of Love and know that I am perfect within my imperfection. For me, when I meditate and feel that feeling my disability, chronic pain and worldly stressors just fall away — they do not exist there. I am motivated to perform at my best, often beyond what I thought possible. "Great deeds can only be achieved when we are more than our little selves. When we are lent wings we should not reject them." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Perfection

Tonight and in past days I have been meditating and contemplating on the idea of perfection which, I have come to understand, is very different from a human versus God’s perspective. The human view is that in order to be perfect on must always perform without falling short of some pre-determined ideal, a view that is often harmful and stress producing. God’s view, which is communicated by feelings to which I ascribe words, is that perfection is closer to harmony and that we are all perfect all of the time, a view that is supportive and encourages being. God’s view is Absolute and Unconditional so that a person could be ten or ninety percent in harmony with All-That-Is and still be perfect. I know the feeling and I need not understand how that works. That concept is never harmful and motivates me to perform at my maximum.

Vibrancy of Spring

Yesterday we (mostly Maria, I watched and made comments) put up a bluebird house and today it was being checked out by a male bluebird. If he approves he will show it to a female and she will have final say. The plants in the gardens are getting ready to bloom. Buds on bushes and trees are swelling and getting ready to burst forth. According to the plants and animals spring is here and it feels wonderful. According to the Thomas gospel, Jesus says that this primordial light not only brought the entire universe into being but still shines through everything we see and touch.