Gratitude

During my recovery meeting today I commented that "I was an aging American male who definitely did not have his health and yet was extremely grateful for life as it was for me today". I also commented that things could be a lot worse and used to be. In part I was reacting to the comment that several people made about being grateful that they had their health. Too me gratitude is an attitude or way of life which is an internal state that does not depend on external conditions. I can and do always find things to feel grateful for.

Nightly Practice

It is now closing in on 1:00 A.M. and I have just finished a period being with and asking for guidance from God and my spirit "friends" in meditation. During meditation I envision being in the middle of a large earthen room surrounded by Jesus and other spirits, asking them to beam healing and guidance into me, and, in my turn, beaming the same energy to my surroundings, quite an experience. When it is my turn I send the incredibly loving feeling of being with God to Arlington National cemetery or one of the other cemeteries I have visited. I also remove any negative energies I encounter. This whole process is directed towards others but is very cleansing and healing for me, as well. That is the way love is.

Connecting

I wrote yesterday of going "through my daily activities within a bubble of love" which is the way it feels to me but is also the energy field that surrounds me. Many people enjoy being around me apparently because of that energy field, some even referring to being near me as "Charlie time". There are also some people who do not want to be close to me because I will lovingly "probe" them and know things about them they would rather I didn’t. I can only probe people with their permission and would never violate them in any way. To me, probing others and allowing myself to be probed is part of connecting or the feeling of being with them.

The Kingdom

Due, in part, to carrying out daily practices such as outlined in my book, I go through my daily activities within a "bubble of love" and feel the presence of the divine all around me. If I cut back on those activities or become distracted by worldly events, I also lose or reduce my connection. I think of what I describe as feeling the presence of "the Kingdom of God" and, for me, maintenance of that feeling does require daily practice — a discipline well worth the effort. "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you."(from the gospel of Luke)

Recovery

My recovery meeting today consisted of three females of various ages and me. It was a very good meeting for me. They were all new to recovery so they had not learned the recovery "lingo" yet and they were all extremely honest about the power alcohol had over them. The talk was raw, heartfelt and honest. A common theme for the meeting was that self-will and intellect were not enough to overcome addiction and that recovery required some sort of spiritual intervention or awakening. I spoke of my experience that self-will and knowledge was not enough for me — but I sure tried!

Silence

Today was a day of silent worship, a day of listening for clarity and guidance. The day began with a formal hour of silent worship in the Quaker tradition and continued with various quiet activities including shopping, lunch, resting, meditating and working in the garden. I heard people comment about the chaos, hurt and anger in the world and knew that in the eternal sense "all was as it should be — all was well". "It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large." (Daniel A. Seeger)

Limits

The theme at today’s recovery meeting was not allowing other people determine our own limits and capabilities by their opinions and words about us. During the meeting I kept reflecting on the fact that I had stumbled and fallen about a week ago — which sounds like a failure. The fact is that I was doing something that "a person in my condition" has no business doing. I was walking over rough terrain without my cane or trekking poles and lost my focus because someone interrupted me. To me, that is not failure since I was pushing myself beyond my limits, something I do all the time, and sometimes get consequences.

Reality

The subtitle of my book is to "be in the world but not of it", meaning to participate in worldly things but not to rely on them for any sense of long lasting fulfillment. I enjoy going to work and do my job lovingly and well, as my purpose in this incarnation. I do the same for other aspects of "money power and prestige", trying to add to the integrity of the universe. For a strong sense of reality and sense of fulfillment I turn to my divine, eternal connection. I look on them as different and valuable aspects of reality and balance the two.

Near-Death-Experience

When I had my Near-Death-Experience in 2006 I was told that "This is what it feels like to be dead", a powerful and all-encompassing feeling of unconditional love. It felt like being bathed in that feeling and that nothing else mattered. The pain and struggles of my physical existence vanished. It was a very cleansing feeling. I was given the option of "coming back" to be of service, an option I took because of that Love. Through that experience and my nightly contact I have learned to love everyone and everything.

Over-thinking

Last night during meditation, while listening, I kept hearing that I thought about my issues way to much, that my thinking interfered with my progress and that I was better off just doing, not thinking. Lately I have been having some health concerns which are probably minor but I over-think them, creating anxiety for myself. There are other activities in my daily life that I simply "do" and have the faith that they will turn out. I do not over-think them. I take the action, feel gratitude that I have support and guidance and have confidence or faith in the outcome. Sounds simple, I should pay attention! "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words. It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning."