Growth

Today the topic which came up in my recovery meeting was "parental anger during our formative years" so I have been reflecting on how much my father’s violence and anger dominated the behavior of me and the rest of my family during those years. I used to be very hurt and angry with spells of rage. My rage terrified me because of its out of control destructive potential. Since then I have broken free of that part of my story. I went through periods of anger, understanding, forgiveness and finally love regarding my father. On my last visit with him before he died, he did not recognize me (Alzheimer’s) and I felt only love.

Power Of Love

I am amazed by the quiet power and perseverance of love in my life. I have to stay quiet and listen since the love does not make as much "noise" as an adrenaline rush or some of the other distractions like buying expensive things or watching the the news. Love is quiet and ever-present. Love heals me physically and is a major part of any connection with myself, God or anyone or anything else. The feeling of love is always there — if I pay attention. "Jesus said, ‘I am the light which is before all things. It is I who am all things. From me all things came forth, and to me all things extend. Split a piece of wood, and I am there; lift up the stone, and you will find me.’" from the gospel of Thomas

Being At Peace

Strange day, on the one hand I was aware of being tired and sleep deprived, on the other hand I felt alert and at peace with my life today. Yesterday I spent a good part of the day in a spiritual zone of connecting, love and power so I felt exhilarated when it came time to sleep. When I did try to sleep I was relaxed and peaceful but not tired, so I slept very little. During today I again felt relaxed and peaceful. "To cast their distinction into contemporary terminology, we might say that in the transforming union the person perceives in his profound center a peaceful, gentle awareness that the Trinity is continually present." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Unconditional Love

Today, during my recovery meeting I commented that God’s Love was unconditional, meaning that the Love was not diminished in any way by my not being worthy, not believing in God or being an antisocial jerk. I spoke of having a near-death-experience in 2006 during which I went briefly to the other side and was able to feel the powerful, unconditional Love of God in spite of the person I had been in my life.

Gratitude

During my recovery meeting today I commented that "I was an aging American male who definitely did not have his health and yet was extremely grateful for life as it was for me today". I also commented that things could be a lot worse and used to be. In part I was reacting to the comment that several people made about being grateful that they had their health. Too me gratitude is an attitude or way of life which is an internal state that does not depend on external conditions. I can and do always find things to feel grateful for.

Nightly Practice

It is now closing in on 1:00 A.M. and I have just finished a period being with and asking for guidance from God and my spirit "friends" in meditation. During meditation I envision being in the middle of a large earthen room surrounded by Jesus and other spirits, asking them to beam healing and guidance into me, and, in my turn, beaming the same energy to my surroundings, quite an experience. When it is my turn I send the incredibly loving feeling of being with God to Arlington National cemetery or one of the other cemeteries I have visited. I also remove any negative energies I encounter. This whole process is directed towards others but is very cleansing and healing for me, as well. That is the way love is.

Connecting

I wrote yesterday of going "through my daily activities within a bubble of love" which is the way it feels to me but is also the energy field that surrounds me. Many people enjoy being around me apparently because of that energy field, some even referring to being near me as "Charlie time". There are also some people who do not want to be close to me because I will lovingly "probe" them and know things about them they would rather I didn’t. I can only probe people with their permission and would never violate them in any way. To me, probing others and allowing myself to be probed is part of connecting or the feeling of being with them.

The Kingdom

Due, in part, to carrying out daily practices such as outlined in my book, I go through my daily activities within a "bubble of love" and feel the presence of the divine all around me. If I cut back on those activities or become distracted by worldly events, I also lose or reduce my connection. I think of what I describe as feeling the presence of "the Kingdom of God" and, for me, maintenance of that feeling does require daily practice — a discipline well worth the effort. "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you."(from the gospel of Luke)

Recovery

My recovery meeting today consisted of three females of various ages and me. It was a very good meeting for me. They were all new to recovery so they had not learned the recovery "lingo" yet and they were all extremely honest about the power alcohol had over them. The talk was raw, heartfelt and honest. A common theme for the meeting was that self-will and intellect were not enough to overcome addiction and that recovery required some sort of spiritual intervention or awakening. I spoke of my experience that self-will and knowledge was not enough for me — but I sure tried!

Silence

Today was a day of silent worship, a day of listening for clarity and guidance. The day began with a formal hour of silent worship in the Quaker tradition and continued with various quiet activities including shopping, lunch, resting, meditating and working in the garden. I heard people comment about the chaos, hurt and anger in the world and knew that in the eternal sense "all was as it should be — all was well". "It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large." (Daniel A. Seeger)