Fear

I am in the midst of preparation for a colonoscopy, meaning taking various laxatives in order to cleans my intestines of everything. The procedure is set for tomorrow morning. The doctors detected some blood in my feces so I have been practicing self healing using love energy and tomorrow I will find out how successful I was. Yesterday I spent a good part of the evening and night getting in touch with and feeling my fears about the procedure and what they might find out. This evening I just feel acceptance about whatever happens, knowing that I will deal with it

Holistic Health

To me, the fact that I am doing as well as I am with my disability, as opposed to the possibility I wrote about a few days ago, represents the power of acceptance and love. I have applied that power to several other physical conditions in my life with similar effects (causing confusion, surprise and disbelief in doctors!). I have also suggested that approach to other people who also had success. The process costs nothing other than focus and intent and even feels good.

Acceptance

I meet with a woman who has a "progressive degenerative neurological" condition very similar to mine but hers is mid-brain and mine is hind-brain. She does not accept her condition but "hates" and fights it. I, on the other hand, accept my condition and can therefore work with it. I can’t say I like it but it’s an unwelcome partner that I deal with daily. In working with my disability I do everything I know of in order to be functional, including bathing it with love. In my case I was diagnosed about thirty-one years ago and am living in my own home with the help of my wife. She was diagnosed a few years ago and I visit her in a nursing home. Anecdotal but suggestive!

Listening

Today I have been reflecting on the fact that most people "listen" to others through the filter of the story they have made up about that person rather than really paying attention and truly listening. For example, in my case, with a few notable exceptions, because of my behavior and the stories they had heard the adults around me believed that I was of below average intelligence, rather than taking the time to realize that I was really just indifferent to their opinions and bored out of my mind. The primary result has been that I recognize how important it is to truly listen and I have been blessed with the ability to look beyond my own mind chatter to hear the reality of what is happening. "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with." (Sogyal Rinpoche)

Growth

Today the topic which came up in my recovery meeting was "parental anger during our formative years" so I have been reflecting on how much my father’s violence and anger dominated the behavior of me and the rest of my family during those years. I used to be very hurt and angry with spells of rage. My rage terrified me because of its out of control destructive potential. Since then I have broken free of that part of my story. I went through periods of anger, understanding, forgiveness and finally love regarding my father. On my last visit with him before he died, he did not recognize me (Alzheimer’s) and I felt only love.

Power Of Love

I am amazed by the quiet power and perseverance of love in my life. I have to stay quiet and listen since the love does not make as much "noise" as an adrenaline rush or some of the other distractions like buying expensive things or watching the the news. Love is quiet and ever-present. Love heals me physically and is a major part of any connection with myself, God or anyone or anything else. The feeling of love is always there — if I pay attention. "Jesus said, ‘I am the light which is before all things. It is I who am all things. From me all things came forth, and to me all things extend. Split a piece of wood, and I am there; lift up the stone, and you will find me.’" from the gospel of Thomas

Being At Peace

Strange day, on the one hand I was aware of being tired and sleep deprived, on the other hand I felt alert and at peace with my life today. Yesterday I spent a good part of the day in a spiritual zone of connecting, love and power so I felt exhilarated when it came time to sleep. When I did try to sleep I was relaxed and peaceful but not tired, so I slept very little. During today I again felt relaxed and peaceful. "To cast their distinction into contemporary terminology, we might say that in the transforming union the person perceives in his profound center a peaceful, gentle awareness that the Trinity is continually present." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Unconditional Love

Today, during my recovery meeting I commented that God’s Love was unconditional, meaning that the Love was not diminished in any way by my not being worthy, not believing in God or being an antisocial jerk. I spoke of having a near-death-experience in 2006 during which I went briefly to the other side and was able to feel the powerful, unconditional Love of God in spite of the person I had been in my life.

Gratitude

During my recovery meeting today I commented that "I was an aging American male who definitely did not have his health and yet was extremely grateful for life as it was for me today". I also commented that things could be a lot worse and used to be. In part I was reacting to the comment that several people made about being grateful that they had their health. Too me gratitude is an attitude or way of life which is an internal state that does not depend on external conditions. I can and do always find things to feel grateful for.

Nightly Practice

It is now closing in on 1:00 A.M. and I have just finished a period being with and asking for guidance from God and my spirit "friends" in meditation. During meditation I envision being in the middle of a large earthen room surrounded by Jesus and other spirits, asking them to beam healing and guidance into me, and, in my turn, beaming the same energy to my surroundings, quite an experience. When it is my turn I send the incredibly loving feeling of being with God to Arlington National cemetery or one of the other cemeteries I have visited. I also remove any negative energies I encounter. This whole process is directed towards others but is very cleansing and healing for me, as well. That is the way love is.