Overthinking

  While meditating today I was reflecting on the work I do with spirits, in preparation for my wife and I visiting a troubled graveyard where some spirits hangout.  As I frequently do when thinking ahead, I was focused on problems I might encounter and the possibility of not being able to cope with whatever happens, not worrying but definitely ruminating.  What I then heard was “don’t think, just do.  The fact is that when I am in the middle of any situation I simply do what I am called on to do or I ask for help.  It often works out better if I do not plan ahead for some things.  I can hold myself back.  “Words and thoughts often block the doorway to the soul.” (Valerie Brown) 

God Seed

  I have made it a point to nurture the part of me which I call my God seed, the part of me that feels connected to God, love, compassion and eternity.  I discovered that part through meditation and found it felt much better than my angry/aggressive/violent, materialistic and self-centered part, which I had acted out of for may years.  I now know that the God or love seed is a part of each of us.  I found that out through my work as a therapist with recovering heroin addicts and others who were having difficulties with the legal system.  Love is the way I find and nurture that part.  “From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Daniel A. Seeger)

Choice

  In my self development process I have focused on developing what I call my God seed, the part of me that feels connected to God, love, compassion and eternity.  In order to develop that part I have found it best to de-emphasize my aggressive/violent, materialistic and self-centered tendencies in favor of things like being of service or relationships.  It’s a simple choice of which wolf I want to feed.  I also need to do a lot of self-care in order to be available.  I make my choice because it feels best and more fulfilling.  “To become a person one must both affirm and deny himself.  One involves the other.” (Rufus Jones)

Spiritual Experiences

  I have been reading The Varieties of Spiritual of Spiritual Experience, 21st Century Research and Perspectives by Yaden and Newberg and found it very thorough in terms of the varieties of experience and attempts at elucidating them   I have also had numerous spiritual experiences of my own and had my life changed accordingly.  In my reading, I am reminded that “No process of analysis, no piling up of descriptive accounts, no reversion to antecedent causes, brings us any nearer to what we mean by beauty, goodness or love.” (Rufus Jones).  I also recall that Margaret Mead once wrote that “As I understand contemporary trends of physical science, there is increasing recognition of vast unknown areas which science may explore and assist in ordering, but to which it may never provide anything like complete answers.”

God/love

  I do not personify God since I find no reason to do so.  I experience God as love and have integrated that feeling into all; of my beliefs and activities.  I practice formal sitting prayer and meditation for at least an hour a day and, less formally, walking around meditatively for another hour or so.  I generally feel connected to God/love and grateful for the rest of the day.  So I know and experience God/love much of the time, but I wish to also clarify that I do not understand God/love.  It is a wonderful way of life and I depend on that connection.  I use that power for my own health and healing as well as other activities, but I do not understand its full extent,  "That God is both utterly beyond me and yet totally within me at the same time is the exquisite balance that most religion seldom achieves..." (from “Immortal Diamond”, by R. Rohr) 

Loving Communication

While contemplating my upcoming visit with a neurologist I realized that because of my past unhelpful visits with medical people, I was setting up a defensive attitude for this visit.  Not a good idea!  I would like the visit to be free, respectful and understanding, resulting in a neurologist who is an ally who appreciates my position.  Understanding on his part would also be nice, but is probably unrealistic given the fact that using my various practices, I accomplish things that are considered impossible and am far healthier than I should be.  My assuming that I have to defend myself starts us off on the wrong foot.  I fully realize that I am putting him in a challenging position so starting out with an open, loving and respectful attitude is more likely to produce the results I desire.

 

Daily Practices

  I am not a saint, though I strive to be as close to the historical Jesus as possible, within my personal limitations.  I take part in daily practices of being quiet, listening and following the guidance I receive.  I carry out my daily activities while viewing everything as sacred and being grateful for my many gifts.  As far as being 75 and disabled, I accept them and wish it was different.  If I do these things I feel connected all the time — which I depend on.  Doing these things also allows me to access and make use of the power of love/God.  “You can be a saint, if you want to be one. It's as simple as that. Only you must remember, ALL THE TIME, that GOD makes saints, not we: we just do what we are told. But in order to do what we are told, we must hear what is said, and in order to hear we must listen, and in order to listen, we must be quiet - not only with our tongues, but interiorly, in our minds and hearts.” )author, an anonymous priest or brother(

Humility

  Today’s meeting was about humility, which is very important to my recovery, particularly my ability to listen deeply.  I have found it best to be in a place of balanced peace and openness in order to really hear and be receptive to others or even my own internal voice. For that, I need to be right sized and internally quiet.  Ego deflation, which was emphasized in the meeting, is easy for me.  I am comfortable recognizing my past “defects” and shortcomings.  Self criticism and judgement come easily.  The part of that balance which does not come easily is to recognize that in some ways I am unique and remarkable, as is everyone else.  I would like to always remember that I am a valuable human who can do things others cannot .

Self-image

  For the last several days I have been thinking a great deal about my own self-image and I have realized that it is very difficult, perhaps impossible, for me to assess myself accurately and without bias.  My difficulty comes, at least in part and perhaps largely, from my childhood and early life, during which I was conflicted and confused.  I have tended to have a low opinion of myself mixed with brief periods of grandiosity.  I would like to have a balanced and accurate view.  On the one hand I am aware that I can do many things which noone else can do.  I am also very much aware of my limitations, especially as a disabled person.   I am also smarter than most, but on the other hand there are many things I don’t know.  As I often say “I know enough to know I don’t know”.  I think I’ll leave it there!

Tending the Fire

  This afternoon I have been reflecting back on my life in AZ and the many “Native” ceremonies I participated in during my life there.  I used quotation marks since I was a white boy practicing ceremonies within a glorious mixture of people from different cultures and both sexes.  There were Caucasians, Navajos, Hopi, Lakota and several mutts or mixtures of different cultures.   During those ceremonies one person would tend the fire while others took part and all would pray and feel blessed for whichever.  I now live in MD and am older and retired.  I find that I still spend much of my time either tending fire or practicing in some way — sometime both.  I also spend my days feeling grateful and much blessed.  Not bad for an older white boy!