Loving Life

I actually like and enjoy the fact that, as I described yesterday, "I place very little importance on many of the attitudes and ideas of this earthly existence, such as power and authority." In fact I frequently end up laughing or chuckling during the various social and political situations I encounter daily. Situations where people think that I should take them "more seriously". I truly believe that "Nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all". I enjoy being alive and participating in life.

Not Fitting In

Some people seem to be very good at negotiating smoothly through the various social and political situations without stepping on toes and just naturally following the prescribed protocol. I am not. I seem to have been absent when that sort of thing was taught. It is a bit strange to me since I have no malicious, competitive or antisocial intent. My attitude is generally loving, compassionate, understanding and honest. Most people perceive me that way, some do not. Part of the problem is that I place very little importance on many of the attitudes and ideas of this earthly existence, such as power and authority.

That Force

Through my prayer, meditation, contemplation, a near death experience and numerous living experiences I have come to know a very powerful, unconditionally loving, selfless and egoless force that, at this point, I would be foolish to deny. I have heard it said of that force many times that "there is something out there", an acknowledgment which seems to be adequate for leading a love based life. I now call that force God, a word that others do not use, which makes little or no difference. The fact is that force or God truly embraces the human experience and free will. This is not a personified jealous God/force who judges me, considers me to be sinful or pitiful or requires any sort of obedience.

Help, Support and Guidance

Today, largely because of the accomplishment of writing and publishing my book, I have been reflecting on the large amount of help, support and guidance I have received along the way. It’s certainly true that much of that help, support and guidance came from that force of love or God, whatever you wish to call it. It’s also certainly true that much of that help, support and guidance came from the very human input of my wife, Maria. She provided and continues to provide some much needed emotional and physical support. It seems important for me to recognize the different forms of help, support and guidance I have received along the way.

Silly 2

One of the attitudes or approaches that I have learned from my recovery meetings is what I call "gentle loving laughter", in response to silly, foolish or even relatively harmless but destructive behavior. This is a non-derisive laughter that reflects fondness, understanding and recognition. It’s the same sort of laughter a person might have while watching some of the antics of a puppy. I use the same sort of laughter when observing myself doing foolish or silly things, such as what I described yesterday.

Sigh - Being Silly

Today at the close of my recovery meeting a woman approached me with tears of gratitude over her appreciation of my book.. She hugged and thanked me. On the one hand I was pleased and on the other hand her actions scared me and made me want to run, since I felt exposed. I wanted to have an effect on people, but now having that effect scares me! Later on during a therapy group with young recovering addict/alcoholics my book was brought up in a similar way and my response was also similar. Something about being a silly human being comes to mind.

I am 2

For the last day or so, I have been very conscious of acting out of the God part of me or the "I am" part, the part that feels, as Williamson says, "powerful beyond measure." I am very aware that the power within that part actually stems from something outside of me, but it still feels like "dancing with a thousand pound gorilla", scary and daunting. There is a grrreat deal of healing and love there so I am committed to the experience and what it means.

I Am

Having gotten more in touch with the "I am" or essence part of me, as I described yesterday, I feel much stronger emotionally and spiritually. I also find the feeling a bit scary and daunting because, as Williamson says "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone."

Waking Up

I have found myself saying to several people recently and in the past that "you are a great deal more than you think you are", because of my sense that if each of them would get in touch with their own essences, their God parts, that they would be much more than "their little selves" (Claremont deCastillejo). I realized today that the same is true with me, and now I will begin to figure out what to do with that. The realization came because of my book, today’s men’s group, the agency where I get most of my referrals and the promotion of my book. My way of acting within each venue will have to change. Time to meditate and contemplate that.

Holiday Season

Today in our recovery meeting we talked about getting through the holiday season with minimal stress and no drinking. I realized that I now enjoy the holiday season, which for me usually includes some fellowship, gratitude, a feeling of love for all things, periods of peaceful solitude and no gift giving or drinking. What I just described is quite a change from how the holidays used to be for me and represents years of change. There was a period when I just did not do holidays, realizing that they caused me stress. I now enjoy the community and feeling of gratitude.